I’m Done


I’m writing this to partially vent, and partially document my current feelings right now, along with material to reread in the future if I get weak….

   

This week has been part hell and part bliss.

The bliss was spent alone with my daughter, playing tourist with a private chauffeur (ubur)


Yes, I spent $80 in ubur fees this past week, but I don’t drive, and I’m pretty certain that renting a car for a week would have been more, or at least equal.
The hell part of the week was listening to someone complain and belittle me. And not realizing the damage she was doing. A friend told me to stay strong and turn the other cheek. But I just couldn’t keep feeling down right exhausted each time she would speak.

I tried to hold on, but just couldn’t. 
Some of the complaints were,
1. Looks like you put on some weight.

2. What the heck is wrong with you, it’s 90 degrees, how the hell can you be cold. 

3.Do you really need that?

4. Do you know how many calories is in that? A seed bar is all I need in the morning, and that lasts me till dinner, in which I have a salad or bowl of soup. That’s why I don’t ever gain weight.

5. I don’t understand why you like the beach. The sand fleas, sun, people.

6. You have no idea what you are talking about, just wait till you are my age, then we will talk.

7. You are lucky you have a husband. Try being a single mom with two kids and not a lick of help!

8. If you want hot coffee you can’t pour it and go use the bathroom.

9. I’m sorry the air mattress isn’t comfortable but it’s all I have. Try sleeping on one for four years like I had to do once.

10. I’m sure your bed back home is not any more comfortable that what I’m offering you.

11. I hope you don’t mind sleeping with the lights and tv on. Remember, you are a guest.

12. I’m doing more dishes in the past few days then I have had to in the past four years.

13. Don’t bother putting the groceries away, I need them a certain way.

14. It would be nice if I had some help here!

15. Let me show you how the shower curtain works.

16. The towel next to the sink is for you to dry your hands on, NOT the one hanging up. I realize they are the same towels, but it’s how I do things.

17. I don’t have any ants here I don’t know what you are talking about. You must be seeing things.

18. Make sure you scold the cats if they try to eat at the same time.  

19. If you go to the beach make sure you don’t bring anything back inside that was at the beach.

20. Why are you cleaning the seashells in the sink. Those should have been hosed off outside. They stink like the beach!

21.You don’t know what it’s like living on a fixed income, and hopefully will never have too.

22. It cost me $80 last month to get my hair done and now I need to get it done again because it’s fading.

23. You are not actually going to pay an extra dollar for that tomato, right? That’s insane and stupid! Just stupid!

24. So, does your household still eat whenever they want and however they want? Does everyone still eat differently and at different times? I don’t know how anyone can live that way. But I guess I’m old school and we grew up eating all at the same time and all are what was served!

25. Don’t forget to wipe any hair out of the shower and drain, and that goes for your daughter too.

26. Are you really going to let your daughter go outside at this time of night?

27. No, of course I don’t want any of that orange juice, I have diabetes, or have you forgotten? Now pass me one of those pepper mints.

28. If you are going to have a potato you might as well gorge on a cupcake. Your body sees it as one of the same.

29. You have no idea what REAL struggling is!

30. There’s never been a time when I was happy, I didn’t realize that you thought differently.

31. I’m not staying in FL. I’m going to find someone who will let me live with them for the summer in exchange for my company. 

32. I don’t drive in traffic or in the dark. Live with it!

33. I am at the mall to pick you up, but you will have to walk around to the front because I’ve never driven around the back and don’t plan to now. 

34.Why must you get a Starbucks coffee while we are out. That’s simply not needed!

35.Maybe you like the nonsense sitcoms that are on today, but I don’t. 

36. I don’t have the internet and have no desire to learn. Why would I want to waste my time and energy.

37. When I was your age I had tons of energy. Wait till you reach 60.

38. Some people have to work for a living!

39. Make sure you eat up that food that you bought or it’s going straight to the garbage.

40. It’s hard for me to feel sorry for anyone. Karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around.

41. Just remember, you only have ONE mother and regardless of the circumstances, she deserves respect!

42. Today’s kids are still living at home at age 25, and it’s the parents fault for coddling them their whole lives! That, and they seem to feel entitled and scared of the real world. I certainly didn’t raise you that way.

It falls back to the parents, and letting their kids rule the home. I will never understand this screwed up generation. Is she the product of how you raised her?

43. I know you say you just like it, but I simply don’t need makeup to feel good about myself. I don’t! Apparently you do!

44. So tell me again why you feel the need to waste money on a hotel when you can stay here with me?

45. I’m not arguing just because I’m raising my voice. And I’m sorry if you and your daughter think I am. That’s on you, not me. Get over it! Welcome to the real world!

46. Well I’m happy that it works for you but at my age you want someone else to do it. Don’t you think I deserve at least that?

47. You are delusional and don’t know what you are talking about.

48. No. This is the first time I’m hearing this. You are lying if you think you have already told me this.

49. I don’t need a bunch of friends to fulfill me. I also don’t need church. I know my limits and who I am. 

50. You snore, did you know that? You really need to get that checked out.

51.People live in RV’s at my age, not yours! You guys are living in a fantasy world if you think you will be able to do that. But whatever!

52. We’ll tell me about this book. What’s it about and why do you think of like it? You know how picky I am about books. I doubt I will like it.

53. I can’t be around negative people. I can’t! I need uplifting people I need uplifting people in my life. People who want to be around me!

And these are just the ones that keep rewinding and playing in my head because they were said in such an unkind way. 

There were more.  Lots more!

There was not one thing that I said that was not counteracted to bring the focus back to the toxic person. Everything that came from her mouth was negative. EVERYTHING! I kept trying to find one positive thing that I could focus on, but never did. Not one!

I keep asking myself how can one person not realize they are this way. 

How can someone complain this much and truly believe they are in the right, and everyone else is at fault, and put to get them.

But then I kept being silently reminded that it’s not my job to fix anyone or prove anything. I’ve lived my whole life forgiving and forgetting, meanwhile parts of me were dwindling away.


It’s my job to take care of myself. And after suffering years from emotional abuse… I have finally reached my breaking point.

It felt liberating!

It was as if something snapped and I freaked out and yes, my flesh got the best of me for an all of five minutes, but then I just went numb. 

It scared me instantly, but I’m still not entirely sure if that was a normal feeling to have. Perhaps it was.

It’s finally over.  A weight had been lifted. I don’t feel dread and suffocation any more.

I don’t feel as if I need to fix it. In fact, there is nothing left to fix. 

And the best part is, I don’t even owe her an explanation. I have the liberty and freedom to step back from any thing that is tearing me down. 

Amen!


I’m truly done.


Mental abuse

I have learned something this past week. More then the fact… that I NEVER want to be as bitter of a person as my mother. 

I’ve learned that being a bitter person brings everyone around you to a dark mental state. 
A state of mind that requires more then just waking each morning and putting on the full armor of God. 

I’ve learned that each morning is new and fresh, it can easily spiral downhill if you surround yourself with people that have mental disorders. Especially if they are in denial about it. 
Some say that if you are a strong Christian, then you need to just pray for more patience in dealing with people that have mental disorders. And that it’s about you, not them. And that if your blood pressure is raising just thinking about an individual, then you simply have not arrived yet. Pray harder…

And that you need to reach a place of mental state yourself, that nothing phases you. 

Not even others who bring you down.

And while they all sounds good in theory. And something to thrive for, I’ve recently drawn the conclusion that THAT is BS. Very bad advice.

If you are generally a positive, relaxed, type of person, and suddenly find your own mental state of mind MORE, then challenged, when you are around certain people, then you have no business being around those people. Family, friends, or the alike. 

You should NOT feel guilty protecting yourself from other people that bring you down. 
Physically, or mentally.

You need to free yourself from the mind frame, that you can help someone that simply is not ready to accept your help. 
It’s very foolish to keep thinking that you can open a persons eyes that are blind. 
It’s hard to watch the demise of another human being. Especially if it’s a close friend or family member. But it’s even worst enabling them. Being their punching bag.
And I’m not talking about someone who you occasionally disagree with. No. I’m talking about trying to have an adult conversation with someone who always plays victim, and has something negative to say about everything and everyone.

Someone who starts their mornings complaining, and ends each day with complaints. 

Someone who wakes in the middle of the night to scream. Someone who thinks the world revolves around them, and they are somehow entitled because they have had a bad childhood, or rough life, bad relationships, no mother, no father, etc. 

The poor me syndrome. 

And while I do still consider myself an empath. 

People can only play victim for so long. Perhaps some people don’t realize how soul sucking they make everyone around them. Perhaps there is a reason no one ever wants to be around them. 

If more negative words come out of your mouth then positive…. in a twenty-four hour day… then perhaps you are the problem. Not everyone else. 

Treasure Island Beach

Ubur has been a great way to get around the city. Today we spent the day at the beach… The beach was very clean, and the seagulls were very friendly. However, they did not like my kale bar. Go figure. 😏

That said…. all I wanted was a lil’ color. I used sunscreen twice even…. *sigh*


Cafe-gency

Trying out a new Coffee House. Lots of yummy choices, but I will probably stick with my usual, an Americano. But if I were to venture out, the Reese’s Cup sounds very good. 

There are eight little cubbies to sit at. Each couple gets their own cubbie. It’s set up very private. 

An Americano. 

Interesting choice to display.

Packing for a trip

Brain:

All done packing. I feel GREAT!

Or am I done?

Do I really want to wear ‘those’ outfits that I just packed?

What if I get down there and decide that those outfits are not what I want to wear?!

Do I have enough under garments? Do they match?

Did I pack the jewelry that wil look good with those outfits?

What if it rains? Should I pack rainy day attire?

Two pair of shoes should be good. I want to look good, but still be very comfy.

But what if it rains?

Am I going to want to carry the same purse for that many days? Will the same purse match all those outfits?

I don’t want to carry another luggage to or from…

What if I packed too much? After all, I plan to do a lot of shopping with mom. What if I packed too much and will then, have to pay the extra $75 at the airport coming back, due to added weight?

But what if I don’t find much, and therefore not have as many options as I’d hoped….🤔

Packing for a trip…. The struggle is real.

And yes, I know! Dumb first world problems that shouldn’t matter in the least. I know this. 😐

Pieolgy Pizzeria

We tried another new place tonight, called Pieolgy Pizzeria. It reminded me of a Chipolte, but for pizza. Same set up and atmosphere. Very reasonably priced. $8.95 per person. They have white and wheat crusts available, and for $2 more, gluten free options.

Tax Returns

I know most people would find this type of thing silly, and perhaps pointless… but while stuck in traffic earlier I started thinking about how every year during tax season people start thinking about what, and where, their tax return will go to.
Ubur responsible people, probably put theirs towards a few extra car payments, credit card debt, or mortgage payments. 
And If you have had a bad year, perhaps a long overdue vacation…
Or maybe you donate it all to your church, or other non-profit organization.
I’m not sure if my family is the only one this happens too, but we start thinking about where to put or future tax return each November….But then about a week before it arrives, something breaks down. It truly never fails.
The car, lawnmower, major appliance…etc. 

So today while stuck in traffic I started to think about everything I would buy if money grew on trees, sorta speak…
Here’s my personal list:
1. A boat to accommodate our family size.  

2. A RV that would accommodate our family size.

3. An in ground pool with a jacuzzi next to it.

4. Enough fencing to fence in our land.

5. All new appliances. 

6. Pay off all current debt.

7. New furniture for the entire house.

And off the top of my head, that is about it. I’ve never had the desire to play the lotto, or get rich…just have all our needs filled, and a handful of wants would be nice.

~If its not too personal, please share your list. 😉

Vintage Beautifying Facial mist face steamer

I picked up this 1970’s vintage gem at a thrift store last week and finally got around to trying it out. 

And….

I love it!
It opened my pores within about 5-7 minutes flat. There is a dial that you can set on low, medium, or high. I am use to the YMCA steam room, so I used it on high. 

I then doused my face with a clay mask while my pores were still open.

And wa’la! An ‘at home’ facial. My pores are just empty now. They have never been this empty, especially on my nose. 

 The machine was only  $7, which I thought was very reasonable. I feel this type of machine would run for $100+ at Sephora.

I checked eBay and I could probably sell it for a profit, but I love vintage finds that actually work… so I will be keeping it for my daughters and me to use.

And besides, it’s the same shade of pink as my Kitchen-Aid. 😉


The Milk Bar


This is a quaint little diner that we visited today. Very basic. And mainly catered to 50+ people.

We were the youngest. 

Prices were reasonable, and the menu that an ‘old timey’ feeling. As does, the decor.

About two dozen places to sit. The chairs were ten times better then Crackle Barrel. My favorite place to eat. 

The sweet n’low tells you a whole lot about the people that dine there…elderly. I don’t know anyone who still used sweet n’low, except my 60+ year old mother.  

Breakfast was over and the only thing I liked on the menu was these chicken strips. 

DH got a burger and fries. He said it was good. Mine was also good, but I really am just past ‘the diner’ thing. It’s always a last resort. 

People generally roll their eyes when I tell them that my favorite places to eat are chain restaurants. Diners and super expensive places are always last resorts for me. I also don’t like mom and pop places, sadly.

This decor was very Pinterest like. Very cute!

All in all it was a cute place. Just not type of place. 😉

Another Trip

Well, looks like I will be leaving for Florida in a couple weeks. I just bought the tickets. I’m waiting for my daughter to finish off her last couple weeks of collage so she can come with me.

We have a lot planned for the two weeks we will be there. I think it’s nice to have mom and me trips. Especially if you have more then one child. 

My mother is very happy because I will be there again for Mothers Day. This will be the third year now. 

If anyone thinks they can’t afford to travel, please, please, check out the airline, Aligence. You can pretty much go anywhere in the USA for only $40 each way. 

So I guess hyjacked aircraft does have its fringe benefits.. lowing tickets and all. *grin* (I know, dark humor.)

Anyhoo, I’m already packed and ready to go.

I can not believe it’s almost May already. Each year that passes always seems to wiz right by. I hear that happens with growing old.

It’s been a rocky four months of this year. But not quite as bad as years passed. 

A few things that have happened this year already have been:

1. DH’s father passed away and there is an ugly who gets what among the siblings. But this is what happens when one doesn’t have a will. 

2. My bestfriend got diagnosed with cancer. 

3. My mother lost the love of her life.

4. My father left his wife. (Not my mom.)
And so is this thing we call life.

This is why I don’t look to the future. Nor make silly five year plans, etc. But life has taught me that only fools live that way.

Nope! Live each day as its your last. Take chances and just go for it! Not to sound like an inspirational quote.. but if the shoe fits….

There is Nothing wrong with failing, because the ride is always worth the memory.

That’s my motto. More later….