How to Look, and Feel OLDER

~DH recently mentioned that he would like me to start looking and dressing a bit more ‘mature’
 

ALA' NATURAL'

ALA’ NATURAL’

~Notice everything that is going on in this picture. Hair is washed, air dried, and  straight from the shower. Eye-brows are not groomed. No make-up of any kind on. Blemishes in full force. Big mole on tip of nose, unsightly discoloration on cheeks. Aging teeth.
How to look, and FEEL older:

1. Stop coloring your hair. This is one of the worst things you can do. It camoflodges your age so much.
You want to look natural! You want to embrace your grays, even if you just have a few popping in around your ears, or crown. They are a sign of wisdom…Let everyone know how very wise you are.:o)

2. Speaking of hair: don’t curl, tease, or straighten it. Another plug..for being natural.

3. Stop wearing make-up. Completly!
This means, no concealer or foundation. You do not want to cover up those broken caterpillers,hyperpigmentation, age marks,skin discoloration, blemish’s, scaring or freckles.
This said, bright blue eye-makeup is VERY aging!
 If you need to walk on the wild side, yet still reveal your true age, or possibly add a decade to your palette…Then go get yourself some of that 1980’s electric blue mascara and eye shadow.
Oh, and be sure to never put anything on your lips. They age very quickly, so you do not want to keep them mosturized, AT ALL!  No vaseline, chapstick or anything glossy!
That said, you can use a Matte lipstick if you like. Matte lipsticks crease and sink down into all those wrinkles, in your aging lips.
Also, do not brush your teeth more then a few times a week. Use a staining tooth paste, not to be confused with a whitening toothpaste.
You do not want white teeth!
They have a way of making you look healthy and young. Stick with the brands: AIM, which is a nice greenish-blue tint, or better yet, CLOSE-UP, which is a bright red!
These have a tendency to stain your teeth well, which means you can add a few more years to your look.

4. Lay out in the sun for 4+ hours a day, with no sunscreen. This will promote age spots all over the body and add several years to your look.It will also increase saddlebags and those beautiful rings of extra skin around your neckline.

5. SMOKE! Smoking is an Awesome way to add age, and leave a nice yellow tint to your ‘mature’ skin. It also stains for teeth and nails.

6. DRINK UP! And I don’t mean water!  Yes, everyone knows that drinking hard core liqueur ages you quick! So tie one on with your friends!

7. Just say NO! to fruits and Veggies! They detoxify your body, and you don’t need that. You want your TRUE age to transform you into the aging beauty that you are! Of course if you want to add some edible age to your look, carry a baggie of prunes in your purse. The smell that they will give off to those around you…will add a couple years in itself. If you want to add even more, GO FOR IT! EAT EM’UP! I highly recommend the lemon, or orange essence ones. They come in a box though, so you will have to baggie them up. I know what you’re thinking..You want to still be able to have FUN, yet look older, and more mature too? No problem!
While at a stop light, take the baggie out of your purse and pop a couple prunes in your mouth, while smiling at the cute guy in the sports car next to you..With any luck, you will have some left over prune remnants in your two front teeth.. Annoyed, he will quickly turn from your viewing, while silently thinking to himself, “What’s with these old ladies nowadays?!”

8. Don’t Shop! Heavens to mercy, don’t shop for anything new for yourself. This means that your trusty undergarments that you’ve had for the past decade, will continue to serve you well.
Just stitch them up where need be…By taking the time to stitch them up, you can reflect on your age, and the time you bought them new…You will feel older in the process…
Embrace a nice comfy, full elastic waist sweat suit. Keep it toned down though..Nothing in an exciting color, unless you have a party to attend?
A nice pastel yellow or muted gray works fine.
On the days when it’s in the wash, just wear some of your old maternity clothes.
They will make you feel special, in an older way.
If they are packed away, then reach to your husbands closet. His clothing will be nice and baggy.
Most likely stained up.(insert EXTRA frumpy here.)
His clothing will make you look older, and most importantly, feel older! Make sure you stop shaving too! No need to impress anyone.

9. Stop using body lotion. I know not many of you do, Because it’s so time consuming. Lotion helps keep your skin firm and tight! This means it will not age approprietly. So cann all the Bath and Body work products. Also, don’t wear any nail polish, or paint your toes. You want the yellowing to be able to shine through.

10. Lastly, stop spraying yourself with body sprays, colognes and perfumes. Seriously, they give an illusion of youth. They play with your mind and self esteem.
In other wards, they make you ‘feel pretty’ And you do not need to feel anything..You are OLD!
Your time has come and gone! EMBRACE IT!
These artificial smells also play with other peoples minds. People will smell you, thinking you are some young hen, when in reality, you’re an aging chicken!
If you REALLY feel the need to smell like something besides bath soap, which by the way…ditch all those body washes that smell like a fruit salad or bed of roses…A natural Lye soap, or bar of Ivory, will be a better suited for your aging self.
You need to smell your age, which means, you need to invest in some Icy Hot or Ben-Gay.
Keep in mind, that you do not need to use these things only when you are in pain. Feel free to dab a bit of ointment behind your neck and knees before leaving the house. AND, before going to bed at night if you want to deter your mate.
Personally, I have found that tea tree oil works great too. I personally, L.O.V.E the smell of tea tree oil. It actually excites me, but that’s besides the point!
My husband hates it and doesn’t want to be around me if he smells it.
So there you have it. You now know what you need to do, to look, and feel your TRUE AGE.

The Made-Up ME!

The Made-Up ME!

~Notice the deep red hair color. Curled hair and groomed eye-brows. Eye make-up and lip-gloss. Whitened teeth, from using a homemade toothpaste.  Pretty green outfit to enhance eyes and red hair. Foundation to even out skin blemishes and reddening..and well, I still have that dang mole..No bodies perfect. :o)

 

Please feel free to let me know if you have any other ways to enhance age…I’d love to know.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “How to Look, and Feel OLDER

  1. For what it’s worth I think you look beautiful in both pictures :). Personally I’ve been feeling like dressing more “mature” lately myself (and interestingly enough have received so many compliments from dh it’s crazy!). I don’t look it as “aging” or “getting old” at all! I never really dressed like a teenager when I WAS a teenager so I kind of dressed “teenager” for a while there in my later 20’s and early 30’s and now I just don’t feel the need to so much anymore. I mean, hey, if the mood hits I roll with it LOL, but I am thoroughly enjoying dressing more “mature” these days! For me that just means more natural, subtle make up and and toning down my clothing choices a little bit (most days :p). Sometimes I feel a little sad about it, for example I just bough this awesome punky scarf with roses, crosses and skulls a couple months ago. I’ve only worn it once and while I do like it…I just don’t see myself wearing it again *shrug* I just don’t for some reason :p. If I’m honest with myself, I think I was fighting a little too hard to stay “young” there for a while, but now I’m actually ok with it LOL. I’m not OLD, and I don’t FEEL old. Anyway, long winded way of saying there’s a big difference between mature and OLD :). And hey, OLD isn’t bad either! I’m already thinking of witty sarcastic bumper stickers to put on my scooter or walker XD. Oooooo I am SO going to rock my golden years XD.

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  2. Oh,man! I’ve been old for half my life already and didn’t realize it. Shucks! I should have been living it up! Well, I guess I’d better get started. (Can’t stand the smell of Ben-Gay or Icy Hot or Tea Tree Oil though. It’s already coming from the other side of the bed.)

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