You will deney me 3x

When my daughter was born I suffered from post pardtum depression. So much so, that I had to stop breastfeeding in order to take Zoloft while undergoing therapy.

Immediately after my daughter was born, my new daughter just never seemed to be comforted by anything, not even by me. After an easy and effortless pregnancy two years prior I felt like a failure the second time around because my new baby just seemed so different and would not connect with me.

Maybe she sensed my sadness and stress, but whose to know for sure. I felt heartbroken that my new baby was not accepting my love for her. She just always seemed to be zoned out and distant.

After weeks on meds, and trying to always comfort my new baby, nothing got any better.

One day while I was standing in our kitchen holding this tiny bundle of joy, who was wailing her tiny self out… I looked down and kissed her tiny forehead, then began to pray over her.

Dh walked in and saw me crying and asked if I was okay. I said no, I was not okay.

I told him that this little baby was going to break our hearts when she got older.

As soon as the words came out of my mouth I thought about Mathew 26:34.

As soon as my mind went to this verse, I prayed it away and asked God why that verse came into my head at such a trying time for us.

I then became filled with the ultimate mom guilt over thinking it, and that my new baby who I loved with all my heart would ever do me/us wrong, or worst, hate our very core.

During the first five years of my daughters life, we almost lost her twice.

The first time was at five months after getting her MMR vaccine. Within 24 hours she was hospitalized. I remember how frail she looked being hooked up to the breathing machines. I honestly thought the Lord was calling her home. The pain was unbearable.

But she was a fighter and came back stronger then ever!

The second time was when she was five years old. She was having some unexplained issues which led us to many doctors. No one could explain her tummy issues, headaches, and ongoing fevers which eventually led her to full-blown pneumonia.

She seemed to be sick for weeks and weeks on end. And when she got somewhat better, she came down with an awful cough that last several years. She saw numerous doctors and no one could figure it out. They treated her with different types of cough syrups and antibiotics for these years.

If that was not enough, she then came down with juvenile arthritis at age 8,and had to get weekly shots.

To this day, I swear this was all due to that vaccination that damaged her immune system at such a young age.

Currently, she is now an adult and has chosen to walk a different road with her life.

Fast Forward: I have five children.

Who’s my prodigal son? This very daughter.

This year the very unthinkable happened.

This child contacted the state and made false claims against her family.

We have not seen, nor spoken to this child, by her own doings for more then a year.

Last Mother’s Day (2018) I had a dream about this very child. It aligned with the above verse.

And again, I prayed against it.

Several weeks after this dream, the first denial took place.

This past year the second incident happened, and then just last month, the third.

Without sharing the details, as the Lord knows…

When you think it can’t get any worst, believe me, it can and does.

I feel so very heartbroken right know.

I suggested family counseling a long time ago but our daughter is close-minded to it. She has blocked us from her life.

In case you have not realized by now, Today’s world is as easy as a block. Satan has made it that simple.

There is no loyalty or love in today’s families it seems. Everything and everyone is disposable. Even family.

Regarding these awful things that has taken place in my family and daughters life, I feel like this is either a case of brainwashing, a generational curse, a curse brought on by a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or maybe even a mental disorder. None in which I want to admit or give thought too.

I recently got confirmation that I was too easy of a parent and I’m now seeing the outcome of trying to be more of a friend, then a parent.

That there was not enough balance.

I was warned by a pastor thirteen years ago that I was much too easy of a parent and would be paying the consequences in later life.

I was also warned by many parents who saw something in my daughter that I simply did not see. I was blinded out of my love for her. I never once saw what everyone else saw. Why would I? I love my children with my whole heart and only want the best for them.

Fast forward once more:

I have now been triple smacked in the face with reality.

The reality of seeing what everyone else saw, for once.

How could I have been so blinded? I feel like such a failure right now. I’ve never experienced this much heartbreak in my entire life.

That said, I know the Lord will help my family through this trial. He has never abandoned me. I know in my heart that his will will be, and that this is not about me, even though the arrow that has been thrown feels so.

This is about character growth for my daughter. Multiple Things that she needs to get through and overcome.

Our family can use some serious prayer right now.

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