Feeling loved by a parent 

Seems like such an easy thing to feel. Or is it too much to ask for?

Feeling loved by your parents.

I imagine the very first love a baby feels is from his or her mother. Or perhaps who ever baby first longenly gazes at.  I think feeling warm and comforted when a baby cries is the very first time a baby experiences love.

I like to imagine that is where and how a baby first experiences love. Of course I very well could be wrong. It’s just what I imagine.

Should we expect that same love that we  first felt from a parent or guardian as full grown adults?

My personal opinion, is YES!

Being a middle age woman myself, I’m just now realizing the truth about certain lives. Or perhaps ive always known, but am just now accepting this truth. 

Personal experience:

My mother raised me and gave me many materialistic things that all my classmates had growing up. She wasn’t affectionate. Rarely vulnerable, and rarely home. 

While I was at school she was home, and as soon as I got home she left till the wee hours of the morning. I still wonder why she didn’t work while I was at school to be home with me after school. But I guess she really wasn’t ever cut out to be a mother or parent. At least that is what her older sister has shared with me.

But I had all that I needed, and most of my wants. And as a child, that meant something to me.

Yet… I never felt as though she loved me.

I think it’s always been a voided sort of feeling. Looking back on my childhood as an adult now. I know she had/ has no idea how to love anyone. Perhaps not even herself. Sad really.

Being a full time mother myself, I clearly know what a parent/child love feels like. It’s deep, personal, and the greatest feeling ever imaginable. 

My mom did not have all that many men in her life, but when she did… they always, ALWAYS came first. 

She also has always played the victim card on being a single mother with two kids. And how awful that was for her. And she deserves happiness.

Now I can’t relate to that, but I do know that it’s not something you should spend 30+ years shoving down your kids throats. How awful it was. Yet there has rarely been any conversation that has not ended with that phrase.

 I also know that a loving parent should not always make their child feel bad over their childhood, etc. (the poor me syndrome) It’s terribly selfish. 
A parent should be encouraging and excited when their children do well for themselves and are happy. And don’t have to suffer as they had growing up. 

They should not always bring it all back to themselves and guilt trip their children time and time again. That is NOT LOVE. 

Well, this is what many children go through on the daily. I’m certainly no exception. 
I have spent my whole life wondering if something was wrong with me because I felt nothing towards my mother. Always having to fake it. 

I’ve spent years trying to force it. I do believe there was this one time that I cried because she was leaving. She was moving to another state, and I had two small children that were going to be growing up with no grandparent. Looking back now, I know it was more of an attachment thing. Not love. I look back now and know how miserable I would have been, had she not moved to another state.


I’ve spent years going down to visit her each year, but I’ve always come back stressed and agitated. I’ve felt it was my duty as her daughter. So I’ve always tried to cator to her.

But she’s all alone because of her selfishness. It’s always been all about her and what she feels entitled too. And it always ends up with the phrase… “because of all I’ve had to sacrifice being a single mother with two kids”

It has not been an easy decision, but I’ve finally realized that I do not own my mother anything. I do not need to force a relationship with her, in hopes for a couple bread crumbs of genuine love.


Moving right along… 

Yes, I have a father too. I didn’t actually grow up with him 24/7, because my mother had custody and we lived in different states. I did see him though. And he’s always been up front with why he always strayed, sort of speak. 

You see, my father is the polar opposite of my mother. Very affectionate and loving. Some may say, too affectionate. Borderline suffocating. But none the less, overbearingly loving. 

My father never gave me anything though. Well, except my life. But I’m talking about  needs and wants. No child support. 

Mother spent years telling me that he use to threaten her, that if she ever divorced him, then he wouldn’t pay a dime. And he kept that promise. Yes. Messed very up. I know! But then most things are.. such as this earthly life…

That shared.. I have never doubted his love for me. Go figure..


This has confused me this past month. I may write about it again in the future. It helps.

But for now, I do have some closure. 

My eyes have been open. 

Two months ago, I was still in denial. 

And no one can ever place a price tag on closure

I’m Done


I’m writing this to partially vent, and partially document my current feelings right now, along with material to reread in the future if I get weak….

   

This week has been part hell and part bliss.

The bliss was spent alone with my daughter, playing tourist with a private chauffeur (ubur)


Yes, I spent $80 in ubur fees this past week, but I don’t drive, and I’m pretty certain that renting a car for a week would have been more, or at least equal.
The hell part of the week was listening to someone complain and belittle me. And not realizing the damage she was doing. A friend told me to stay strong and turn the other cheek. But I just couldn’t keep feeling down right exhausted each time she would speak.

I tried to hold on, but just couldn’t. 
Some of the complaints were,
1. Looks like you put on some weight.

2. What the heck is wrong with you, it’s 90 degrees, how the hell can you be cold. 

3.Do you really need that?

4. Do you know how many calories is in that? A seed bar is all I need in the morning, and that lasts me till dinner, in which I have a salad or bowl of soup. That’s why I don’t ever gain weight.

5. I don’t understand why you like the beach. The sand fleas, sun, people.

6. You have no idea what you are talking about, just wait till you are my age, then we will talk.

7. You are lucky you have a husband. Try being a single mom with two kids and not a lick of help!

8. If you want hot coffee you can’t pour it and go use the bathroom.

9. I’m sorry the air mattress isn’t comfortable but it’s all I have. Try sleeping on one for four years like I had to do once.

10. I’m sure your bed back home is not any more comfortable that what I’m offering you.

11. I hope you don’t mind sleeping with the lights and tv on. Remember, you are a guest.

12. I’m doing more dishes in the past few days then I have had to in the past four years.

13. Don’t bother putting the groceries away, I need them a certain way.

14. It would be nice if I had some help here!

15. Let me show you how the shower curtain works.

16. The towel next to the sink is for you to dry your hands on, NOT the one hanging up. I realize they are the same towels, but it’s how I do things.

17. I don’t have any ants here I don’t know what you are talking about. You must be seeing things.

18. Make sure you scold the cats if they try to eat at the same time.  

19. If you go to the beach make sure you don’t bring anything back inside that was at the beach.

20. Why are you cleaning the seashells in the sink. Those should have been hosed off outside. They stink like the beach!

21.You don’t know what it’s like living on a fixed income, and hopefully will never have too.

22. It cost me $80 last month to get my hair done and now I need to get it done again because it’s fading.

23. You are not actually going to pay an extra dollar for that tomato, right? That’s insane and stupid! Just stupid!

24. So, does your household still eat whenever they want and however they want? Does everyone still eat differently and at different times? I don’t know how anyone can live that way. But I guess I’m old school and we grew up eating all at the same time and all are what was served!

25. Don’t forget to wipe any hair out of the shower and drain, and that goes for your daughter too.

26. Are you really going to let your daughter go outside at this time of night?

27. No, of course I don’t want any of that orange juice, I have diabetes, or have you forgotten? Now pass me one of those pepper mints.

28. If you are going to have a potato you might as well gorge on a cupcake. Your body sees it as one of the same.

29. You have no idea what REAL struggling is!

30. There’s never been a time when I was happy, I didn’t realize that you thought differently.

31. I’m not staying in FL. I’m going to find someone who will let me live with them for the summer in exchange for my company. 

32. I don’t drive in traffic or in the dark. Live with it!

33. I am at the mall to pick you up, but you will have to walk around to the front because I’ve never driven around the back and don’t plan to now. 

34.Why must you get a Starbucks coffee while we are out. That’s simply not needed!

35.Maybe you like the nonsense sitcoms that are on today, but I don’t. 

36. I don’t have the internet and have no desire to learn. Why would I want to waste my time and energy.

37. When I was your age I had tons of energy. Wait till you reach 60.

38. Some people have to work for a living!

39. Make sure you eat up that food that you bought or it’s going straight to the garbage.

40. It’s hard for me to feel sorry for anyone. Karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around.

41. Just remember, you only have ONE mother and regardless of the circumstances, she deserves respect!

42. Today’s kids are still living at home at age 25, and it’s the parents fault for coddling them their whole lives! That, and they seem to feel entitled and scared of the real world. I certainly didn’t raise you that way.

It falls back to the parents, and letting their kids rule the home. I will never understand this screwed up generation. Is she the product of how you raised her?

43. I know you say you just like it, but I simply don’t need makeup to feel good about myself. I don’t! Apparently you do!

44. So tell me again why you feel the need to waste money on a hotel when you can stay here with me?

45. I’m not arguing just because I’m raising my voice. And I’m sorry if you and your daughter think I am. That’s on you, not me. Get over it! Welcome to the real world!

46. Well I’m happy that it works for you but at my age you want someone else to do it. Don’t you think I deserve at least that?

47. You are delusional and don’t know what you are talking about.

48. No. This is the first time I’m hearing this. You are lying if you think you have already told me this.

49. I don’t need a bunch of friends to fulfill me. I also don’t need church. I know my limits and who I am. 

50. You snore, did you know that? You really need to get that checked out.

51.People live in RV’s at my age, not yours! You guys are living in a fantasy world if you think you will be able to do that. But whatever!

52. We’ll tell me about this book. What’s it about and why do you think of like it? You know how picky I am about books. I doubt I will like it.

53. I can’t be around negative people. I can’t! I need uplifting people I need uplifting people in my life. People who want to be around me!

And these are just the ones that keep rewinding and playing in my head because they were said in such an unkind way. 

There were more.  Lots more!

There was not one thing that I said that was not counteracted to bring the focus back to the toxic person. Everything that came from her mouth was negative. EVERYTHING! I kept trying to find one positive thing that I could focus on, but never did. Not one!

I keep asking myself how can one person not realize they are this way. 

How can someone complain this much and truly believe they are in the right, and everyone else is at fault, and put to get them.

But then I kept being silently reminded that it’s not my job to fix anyone or prove anything. I’ve lived my whole life forgiving and forgetting, meanwhile parts of me were dwindling away.


It’s my job to take care of myself. And after suffering years from emotional abuse… I have finally reached my breaking point.

It felt liberating!

It was as if something snapped and I freaked out and yes, my flesh got the best of me for an all of five minutes, but then I just went numb. 

It scared me instantly, but I’m still not entirely sure if that was a normal feeling to have. Perhaps it was.

It’s finally over.  A weight had been lifted. I don’t feel dread and suffocation any more.

I don’t feel as if I need to fix it. In fact, there is nothing left to fix. 

And the best part is, I don’t even owe her an explanation. I have the liberty and freedom to step back from any thing that is tearing me down. 

Amen!


I’m truly done.


Mental abuse

I have learned something this past week. More then the fact… that I NEVER want to be as bitter of a person as my mother. 

I’ve learned that being a bitter person brings everyone around you to a dark mental state. 
A state of mind that requires more then just waking each morning and putting on the full armor of God. 

I’ve learned that each morning is new and fresh. However, it can easily spiral downhill if you surround yourself with people that have mental disorders. Especially if they are in denial about them.

Some say that if you are a strong Christian, then you need to just pray for more patience in dealing with people that have mental disorders. And that it’s about you, not them. And that if your blood pressure is raising merely thinking about a certain individual, then you simply have not arrived yet. Pray harder…Mind over matter.

And that you need to reach a peaceful place withing yourself, where nothing phases you. 

Not even when others try to bring you down to their miserable levels.

And while they all sounds good in theory. And something to thrive for, I’ve recently drawn the conclusion that THAT is total BS. Very bad advice!

You see, If you are generally a positive, relaxed, type of person, and suddenly you find your own mental state of mind MORE, then challenged when you are around certain people, then you have no business being around those types of people. Family, friends, or the alike. Don’t do it!

You should NOT feel guilty protecting yourself from  people that bring you down. 
Physically, or mentally.

You need to free yourself from the mind frame, that you can help someone that simply is not ready to accept your help. 
It’s very foolish to keep thinking that you can open a persons eyes that are blind. Glued shut.
It’s hard to watch the demise of another human being. Especially if it’s a close friend or family member. 

But it’s even worst enabling them. Being their punching bag for years on end..

I’m not talking about someone who you occasionally disagree with. No. I’m talking about trying to have an adult conversation with someone who always plays the victim. And has something negative to say about everything and everyone around them. 

Someone who starts their mornings complaining, and ends each day with the same complaints. 

Someone who wakes in the middle of the night to scream. Someone who thinks the world revolves around them and they are somehow entitled to feel this way because they have had a bad childhood, rough life, bad relationships, no role model of a mother, no active father, etc. The list is endless.

The poor me syndrome. Is what I like to call it.

And while I do still consider myself an empath. To a certain degree…

People can only play victim for so long. Perhaps some people don’t realize how soul sucking they make everyone around them. Perhaps there is a reason no one ever wants to be around them. Perhaps it really is that they are a horrible person to be around. A person that will have no one at their funeral. Well, except the grave digger..

It’s so sad. But there are thousands of people in this world who are Narcissists

In conclusion:

If more negative words come out of your mouth then positive words…. in a twenty-four hour day… then perhaps you are the problem

Not everyone else. 


Packing for a trip

Brain:

All done packing. I feel GREAT!

Or am I done?

Do I really want to wear ‘those’ outfits that I just packed?

What if I get down there and decide that those outfits are not what I want to wear?!

Do I have enough under garments? Do they match?

Did I pack the jewelry that wil look good with those outfits?

What if it rains? Should I pack rainy day attire?

Two pair of shoes should be good. I want to look good, but still be very comfy.

But what if it rains?

Am I going to want to carry the same purse for that many days? Will the same purse match all those outfits?

I don’t want to carry another luggage to or from…

What if I packed too much? After all, I plan to do a lot of shopping with mom. What if I packed too much and will then, have to pay the extra $75 at the airport coming back, due to added weight?

But what if I don’t find much, and therefore not have as many options as I’d hoped….🤔

Packing for a trip…. The struggle is real.

And yes, I know! Dumb first world problems that shouldn’t matter in the least. I know this. 😐

Tax Returns

I know most people would find this type of thing silly, and perhaps pointless… but while stuck in traffic earlier I started thinking about how every year during tax season people start thinking about what, and where, their tax return will go to.
Ubur responsible people, probably put theirs towards a few extra car payments, credit card debt, or mortgage payments. 
And If you have had a bad year, perhaps a long overdue vacation…
Or maybe you donate it all to your church, or other non-profit organization.
I’m not sure if my family is the only one this happens too, but we start thinking about where to put or future tax return each November….But then about a week before it arrives, something breaks down. It truly never fails.
The car, lawnmower, major appliance…etc. 

So today while stuck in traffic I started to think about everything I would buy if money grew on trees, sorta speak…
Here’s my personal list:
1. A boat to accommodate our family size.  

2. A RV that would accommodate our family size.

3. An in ground pool with a jacuzzi next to it.

4. Enough fencing to fence in our land.

5. All new appliances. 

6. Pay off all current debt.

7. New furniture for the entire house.

And off the top of my head, that is about it. I’ve never had the desire to play the lotto, or get rich…just have all our needs filled, and a handful of wants would be nice.

~If its not too personal, please share your list. 😉

Another Trip

Well, looks like I will be leaving for Florida in a couple weeks. I just bought the tickets. I’m waiting for my daughter to finish off her last couple weeks of collage so she can come with me.

We have a lot planned for the two weeks we will be there. I think it’s nice to have mom and me trips. Especially if you have more then one child. 

My mother is very happy because I will be there again for Mothers Day. This will be the third year now. 

If anyone thinks they can’t afford to travel, please, please, check out the airline, Aligence. You can pretty much go anywhere in the USA for only $40 each way. 

So I guess hyjacked aircraft does have its fringe benefits.. lowing tickets and all. *grin* (I know, dark humor.)

Anyhoo, I’m already packed and ready to go.

I can not believe it’s almost May already. Each year that passes always seems to wiz right by. I hear that happens with growing old.

It’s been a rocky four months of this year. But not quite as bad as years passed. 

A few things that have happened this year already have been:

1. DH’s father passed away and there is an ugly who gets what among the siblings. But this is what happens when one doesn’t have a will. 

2. My bestfriend got diagnosed with cancer. 

3. My mother lost the love of her life.

4. My father left his wife. (Not my mom.)
And so is this thing we call life.

This is why I don’t look to the future. Nor make silly five year plans, etc. But life has taught me that only fools live that way.

Nope! Live each day as its your last. Take chances and just go for it! Not to sound like an inspirational quote.. but if the shoe fits….

There is Nothing wrong with failing, because the ride is always worth the memory.

That’s my motto. More later….

Hotel Stays

The best part of staying in a hotel is waking before anyone else, showering, packing, and then realizing that you can go back to bed if you want…
You don’t need to gather laundry, or tidy up, or even make the bed of you don’t want to.

You can simply, enjoy yourself!


Now there was a time when I found tidying up fun. About a decade ago. 

But as you get older you appreciate the luxury of having someone clean up after you. Like a child. I guess?! 😉
Not that I’m a particularly messy person. I had a cup of coffee this morning and didn’t leave the cup on the nightstand. I tossed it in the trash! But I could have left the cup on the nightstand. If I wanted too. 

A picture of the messy room from bed. 😉

I think there comes a time in a mothers life where her idea of a ‘good time‘ is doing nothing. Nada!

Sometimes NOTHING, is the best feeling in the world. Am I wrong?! 



There are times when dh wants to go to the movies, out for dinner, or just out for coffee and treats… and if we are ALREADY out and about, then by all means… let’s do it!



But if we are already at home. Cozy. In my yoga pants, then the last thing I want to do is get up to do my hair and makeup. Then get suitable clothing on and leave my house. 

I mean, we have Netflix and delivery nowadays. 🤣
Sometimes I think this mamas mind frame is only for mothers of many

Not that I consider my five kids MANY…

 I know my friends with 7+ kids are probably rolling their eyes at me… 
 

~Can anyone relate to this?

Vintage Avon Jewlery

I recently started collecting vintage Avon Jewlery.

I started off purchasing pieces that I had as a child.

Such as this red lucite apple neclace. 


A ring with my oldest daughters birthstone.


Then I found my initial.


Then a gold star that I had as a teen. Along  with a very dainty coral pearl choker. 

And here are a few other pieces that I have found this week on eBay that I’m waiting for.

I use to have this leaf necklace about twenty years ago, so was happy to find it again. 



My aunt, who use to sell Avon when I was about six years old, had given me this bracelet as a birthday gift. So I was thrilled to come across it again. 


This piece I just thought was pretty. And it happens to have all my kids birthstones on it except one, which I am currently looking for. The month of February. 🙂



This piece reminds me a whole lot of one that my late grandma had. I’m not 100% sure hers was Avon, but the is a good possibility, so I wanted it for my collection. It’s a magnifying glass.


Lastly, for now, is this pretty gold-tone bow. I saw it and thought it was very pretty. My daughter tells me  that all these pieces mimic the style, Modcloth, so I guess making old things new and trendy again, is always nice. 



Keep in mind, vintage Avon, is very nice, yet also inexpensive. Back in the days when I sold Avon, I’d buy so much of it, and pay $14-$22 a piece. And that was back in the early 90’s! Oh! How I wish I would have kept it all. But I simply moved around too much.

That shared, I’ve been blessed to find all these pieces shown, for only $3-$8 each.

My daughters have been enjoying hearing the stories behind each original piece that I use to have, back in the 70’s and 80’s.


~Does anyone else collect vintage Avon? I would love to hear about any pieces you’ve had, or currently have.  

Grandma-Make-up

When I was 16, I lived down in Florida with my grandmother for a season.
She was well in her sixties. 

I use to watch and examine her morning routine while living with her.
It first involved, waking at 6am to prepare her cup of Sanka coffee. And then sitting down for her morning devotions. Which was 30 minutes. Fifteen to read. Fifteen to pray.
Then she would turn on her 13″ black and white television and watch Phil Donahue. I think that was the name of the program. 
After that, whether she was going anywhere or not, she would shower, get dressed and apply a bit of makeup. 
Grandma wore Estee Lauder. 

Which I have yet to try. But I want too!
It was one of the few luxury items that she splurged on a couple times a year. 
Or sometimes, she received some from her employer as a Holiday gift. She had later shared with me.
She wore bright pink Estée Lauder lipstick. A pale Estée Lauder foundation. And bit of cream blush. That was it.
One morning while quietly watching her from the sofa, I asked her what the liquid stuff she was putting on her face was?
Oddly, I did not know a whole lot of make-up when I was a teenager. I thought I did. But nothing to what I know now.
In fact, I use to think eye shadow went underneath your eyes. Where concealer goes. 😳
At age sixteen, I wore face powder, eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick. 
Always the same look. 😐

Nude Covergirl face Powder. (The ever popular brown compact that Christie Brinkley made famous.)
Electric blue Maybellie mascara. (Pink tube)

Wet & Wild blue eyeliner. 

And a Maybelline blue and pink eye shadow compact. In the blue  Blooming Colors quad. I think that’s Carol Alt in the ad? 

Oh! And any coral lipstick that was available to me. Basically, stuff my mother or aunt didn’t need anymore. Stuff they passed down to me. 
So I was intrigued over this liquid porcelain stuff that my grandmother was putting all over her face with her hands. (No Beauty blenders or brushes back then.)
That morning I asked grandma what it was, exactly.

She laughed and told me that I didn’t have to worry about what it was, or how to use it…for many years.

And that was the end of that.
Back in those days you simply did not question an adult after they spoke. Especially one you respected. 
After she applied her foundation. (Which I saw in the bathroom later that day and picked it up to see what it was called.)
And no, it did not even accure to me to open it up and try it. Although I think nowadays I would have, and same goes for today’s teens. 

Let’s face it, we are all so curious. 

Years and years passed..
I have been through many a make-up trend. 

I’ve also spent several years not wearing any makeup at all.
However, Currently, I’m loving ALL makeup.

Everything! 
It upsets me that I did not have the options that today’s teens have.
From primers to setting sprays, to pore minimizing creams…
Options are endless!
So today while rummaging through my makeup, Grandma came into my mind. IN NEON!
I looked over my large foundation COLLECTION and I took a moment to remember that very day that I learned what foundation was, and how to apply it.


Grandma never shared how old she was when she first started wearing foundation, but I started wearing it in my mid-thirties.
I love a good BB cream also. As it’s a one step process to hide acne scars, red marks, sun spots, and hyperpigmintation issues.


I love what foundation can do too. 

It makes this girls aging face look like a blank canvas. Well sorta. 😉
As you know, when the face ages, it looses collagen and becomes quiet dry. It dies t matter how many gallons of water I drink.

I can’t wear full coverage, or matifying formulas. I need to stick to dewy, glowy, somewhat sheer finishes…leaving the rest for my daughters to play around with. Makeup should be fun! Nothing to take too serious. I do think too many people see it as a negative thing. But if you have the time to play around with it. It’s fun! Why not?! 😉
~I miss my grandmother so very much. ❤

As a teen, I look back and realize how I simply did not appreciate everything she did for me. Along with our ‘little moments’ that seemed silly at the time…they were memories in the making.

I try to have a lot of memories like these with my own kids, seeing as they do not have grandparents who are active and close by in their lives.
I love you grandma. Thank you for always being there for me and never giving up on me. 
~Until we meet again.. at the pearly gates of Heaven.

Story Time 

I went to our local grocer today and noticed that they had the new chocolate covered Ritz crackers. I’m dying to try them, but they were simply too expensive.
So this evening I popped into Walmart to see if that had them at a cheaper price.

 I looked on the cracker isle, but I didn’t see them. Then I noticed a man to the right of me placing some Kellogg’s crackers on the shelves.

 I said, “Excuse me, do you know if Walmart has the new chocolate covered Ritz crackers in stock?”

He said he wasn’t sure. 

I’m always annoyed when employees just brush off questions…so I asked him to help find out if they had them. 

He said okay, and then walked me over to the chip isle, telling me that maybe they would be there, or maybe over on the candy isle, seeing as they have chocolate on them. 

So we walked over to both isles and checked, and then back to the cracker isle to look. But nope! They were not anywhere.

He then aploligized that they didn’t have them, and then told me that maybe I should just ASK AN EMPLOYEE. 

He said he didn’t work there… but was happy to help. 

😂lol
I was SO embarrassed. I apologized and walked away as red as a lobster.