Wake up & do 3 things well 

I had a great day today and am now laying in bed reminiscing over how much I accomplished today. It feels so good!

I woke up and set three attainable goals for myself.

1. Drink 8 water bottles

(They are very cheap at Sams Club if you are wondering.)

2. Take pictures of new inventory, edit pictures, and list till it hurts. (Listen to a podcast on reselling while doing the above)

3. Journal my day.
And….These three simple things tasks were going to be done after my kids were schooled and we talked about their future goals. 

Oh! And after I cooked, got caught up on laundry, vacuumed the house, and organized my inventory.


See? There are enough hours in each day to achieve what seems to be a lot.

Did I have time for phone calls? No. So voice mail picked up two calls. This tends to happen a lot.

However, I have four kids who text & FaceTime me, so I do reply to their texts right away. As I know it’s generally important.

Today I had less kids because they were at music class. I used that extra time that I could have been chatting on the phone, or on social media, working. 

Getting back to the podcast.

1. I learned that successful people tend to have less friends then unsuccessful people.

2. Your circle of friends should be uplifting and motivating to you and your journey through life. Even your relations. In fact, try to have your very close friends on the same page as you. Having the same goals as you. Because after all, iron sharpens iron. So audit your life. And your friendships. Less is more. 

3. Stop complaining,  and work for what you want! It doesn’t take all that long to get the life that you want. 3-5 years.  Financially, that is. 

4. The average person has 3k worth of stuff in their homes that they currently do not use. Stop saving junk for a rainy day. Sell it! Stop with all the Go Fund Me pages and sell your stuff. Whatever it takes! Do not get attached to materialistic things. 

I love things, but would sell them in a heartbeat for a better life… which is, expirences

This has changed dramatically throughout my years. In my 20’s and most of my 30’s I was all about stuff.  Not to the hourder capacity though. 

I have always been very frugal, yet a reseller of things. That all started in the 5th grade when I use to get free lunch and would sell my tuna boats and grilled cheese sandwiches for $2 each,  to this boy Charlie. Meanwhile, I brown bagged it.

Later in jr. high I was piercing people’s ears in my bathroom for $20 and buying stuff on clearance at K-Mart, and selling it at retail cost to my classmates. 

So you get the picture. Anyone can make money. I hate hearing that they can’t. Or that they don’t know how. 

We have so many free resources at our fingertips nowadays. You can learn anything you want to. Not only that, you can master it!

The fact is, you need to put in the effort and time. That’s it. 

Reselling can not be seen as a hobby if you want to be successful. 

Which is how I first looked at it when I first started. 

 As soon as that mind frame changed, I started to reap what I sewd. But not without work. 

Lastly, and again, this was heard on a podcast…

When you are at the end of your rope and feel like giving up, you still have 40% to give. 

Wow! That is so inspiring to me

It reminded me of a story my daughters BF’s brother was telling me last week. 


He just got home from basic training. 

While away, he had pink eye, strep, and pneumonia. He was going on Six hours of sleep each night, the whole sixty days of training…

And then during the last day….. when he was feeling his worst…. he had to run 12 miles to complete the training program.

With no meds and suffering, he hustled and did it! 

Personally, I can not even imagine. 

What a beast! 

It’s amazing what the body and mind are capable of. 
Do I desire to be able to do all that? Of course not. But it sure the heck impresses me.

My awe moment was one night last month. 

 I wanted to list one hundred things in a 24 hour period, and I told myself that I would not go to bed until I was through.

 I had a date with myself, and I was going to honor it. 

I got done at 3:30am. My hands hurt so bad from all the typing, but I did it. 

I accomplished what I set out to do. 

And… it paid off tremendously. 

It was a very good week! 🙂

~So I guess what I’m learning is good time management. And as cliche as it sounds, Never give up. 😉





Advertisements

Fundraisers to Flannels

Ten years ago; give or take, I had a very different life style. Two tweens and three kids under five had me pretty busy. Not that I’m not busy now, but it’s a different type of busy. And looking back, it’s not that I prefer one over the other. In fact, life is simply going by too fast and I wish I could rewind it and relive certain parts over again. I love life!

I’m still homeschooling my children, while teaching and encouraging others. (If they feel led)
I’m still doing fun things in my free time…golf, tennis, dining out, and of course, shopping..

Mainly things that require me to be, well, casual… which is what this little ‘thinking out loud’ post is about.

While cleaning my closet last night; something I only do twice a year, I started realizing how many dressy clothes I have.

Did I use to go to a ton of different places that required me to dress up? Not really. I just use to dress up. It made me feel a certain way.

I use to only wear dresses, skirts, and blouses.

About fifteen years of my life. Actually.

Nowadays, I live in yoga pants and Eddie Bauer tees. Or a Ralph Lauren flannel on top of an Old Navy tee.

If I want to dress up, I wear my darker black yoga pants with a blouse. Satin or lace! It’s no  brainer. And ever so 1990’s, as my children like to say. 😁

Are yoga pants a step up from blue jeans, or a step down? The jury is still out on that one…

But currently, I’m just not a blue jeans type of gal.  So a dozen pairs of black yoga pants is what I choose from.

So where does this leave all my pretty, dressy,  clothing?

Do I sell it all now? Or wait it out to see if my style changes, feeling change,  yet again…

As stated in previous posts, my life revolves around how I feel.

Things make me feel good, bad, or uncertain.  And getting dressed up each day, for the sake of just dressing up, use to make me feel good.

Now it makes me feel uncertain. 

So I try to only dress up if I’m going to be dining out somewhere other then Chick fi’lay, but I have noticed that others generally don’t dress up for dining out anymore.

Even at fancy restaurants.

People use to dress up for the movies even. But nope! Not anymore. After all… no one sees you anyways, so I guess why bother? Is that the mind frame?

I am looking around and realizing…..

Hey! I finally blend in! I really do look like everyone else now. Basic. And maybe that is A-Okay. 🙂

One of my daughters just got back from Europe. She said that everyone dresses up if they are out in the public eye.  Meaning, no sports wear attire. No leggings, sweats, and definetly no yoga pants and tees. If you are in the public eye, you look your best. And mentally,  I do love that!

This makes me question why America is different. Didn’t people use to dress up? I know for church, events, and dining out they did… but something has changed in the past couple decades.. Everyone looks the same.

And I guess I’m just late for the party, per usual. 🙃
Do you all dress the same all the time? Regardless of where you are going. 

Do you find you blend on with everyone around you? 


Dreams

I have been pretty good at keeping up with my lucid dream blog, but I wanted to blog about why I think it’s important to write about your dreams. If it interests you of course. If it doesn’t, why bother. I know.

I have always had vivid, detailed, sometimes lucid night dreams.
I started writing them down when I was a pre-teen…

I took a bit of a break as a young adult, and then about 14 years ago started writing them out again.

I love how you can go back and reread them. I’ve even dreamt about people that I  met in real life, years later.

I think that’s amazingly cool!

And sometimes there are hidden messages that make total sense years after having certain dreams. Or even nightmares.

And of course there are people that I’ve dreamt about that I have yet to meet in real life. Or perhaps will never meet.

But I mostly dream about those that I currently know in real life.

And if I talk to you frequently in real life, chances are good that you will be very active in my dreams, as well as my prayers. It’s just how it has always played out.

I have only had experience with sleep paralysis a couple times in my life, but I can remember all too well how terrifying it can be.

Lately I have been having dreams about words.

This is very new to me.

Last week it started.

I was in a deep lucid sleep and saw myself laying in bed and saying the word, Inconspicuous. I was a sleep looking down at myself.

I was able to wake myself up. It was 3:30am. And I could not get the word to leave my brain.
Has anyone ever expirenced this before?

Dreaming about words instead of people?

OCD 

Definition:  Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviors.

OCD centers on themes such as a fear of germs or the need to arrange objects in a specific manner. Symptoms usually begin gradually and vary throughout life.

People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have thoughts (or images) that bother them. Thoughts about making mistakes, harming someone, contamination, disease, religious preoccupation, fears of impulses or desires, or just about anything that you might consider dangerous, disgusting or dirty.

Treatment includes talk therapy, medications, or both.


Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I have only had talk therapy in my life. And this was back I was first diagnosed. I realize that every circumstance is different. So I don’t  want to come off as being some sort of expert on OCD. 

I find that writing/journally about my OCD, then taking baby steps, has helped me tremendously.
 I still have things that trigger me about once or twice a month though. The triggers last for about a week. And then I try to eliminate the triggers as best as I can. More on that later…


I don’t generally talk openly about what kind of OCD I suffer from, or what things trigger, But today I woke up having experienced a few triggers this past week, so it’s been a bit worst. Hence, it’s time to chat it out. It’s quiet personal to me, so I really do not tend to share what goes through my mind with family or friends.

As a young adult I had what was considered your ‘basic’ symptoms. Or at least, the symptoms that people think of, when they hear the word, OCD.

Excessive washing of my hands and body… and wanting everything around me to be germ-free. At least in my mind. 
Air filters running throughout the house, and the constant checking of things; like the front doors, windows, etc. Making sure they were locked. And clean! Unlocking and unlocking them several times to make sure was a daily ongoing hassle.

I also had to have the cans in the cabinets lined up straight. And shoes by the front door in a nice tidy row.
Things like that brought satisfaction to my life. It really did!
I felt like I was in control. As silly as it sounds.

I’m sure many people that have come from certain types of homes could relate. People that have had parents yet to control them. If you have grown up feeling like your voice didn’t matter…I am sure you could relate.

I have been told that taking baby steps with your OCD, can be a very useful tool in dealing with it.

They say for phobias, this method works too. Afraid of spiders, go to the pet store and look at the tranchulas. Fear of heights, walk up the fire escape of a tall building to get to the roof. Just stand up there a little at a time until the fear of heights subsides. I am told that THAT would eventually cure your fear.

However, I have never been afraid of heights, so don’t hold that as gospel. But I have been on many of roof tops. Not because of the fear of heights, but the OCD thoughts of ‘what ifs’

“What if I jump, will I die?”

“Will I just break all my bones?”

Maybe some of my bones?

“How many bones would be broken?”

And which ones?

Legs? Arms?

And the compulsive thoughts then take over. *sigh*

NOT that I would ever jump off a roof!

Just to clarify.

And I have not been on top of a roof top in years, because I don’t have those particular thoughts anymore.

But I do have the fear of driving. If anyone can relate. And that has handicapped me for my entire life.

Example:  I have sat behind the steering wheel of a parked car, dozens of times to see if the bad thoughts have ceased, but they have not.

So I have chosen to refrain from driving because I would not want to play Russian roulette with my own life, let alone, anyone else’s.

Let me quickly share what happens when I sit behind the wheel of parked car. I immediately imagine it running uncontrollable off a cliff. Even if the keys are not in the ignition. Or no cliffs are anywhere in sight. It’s a horrible feeling.

My head has already drawn the mental image of the car going off the cliff with me behind the wheel! Then I die.

It is nothing that I can control, unfourtently. Then I start having trouble breathing, and generally start crying. It’s a horrible feeling,  that I have made the concoious decision to not put myself through anymore. There are a lot more OCD bad thoughts that I have regarding driving, and they are what keeps me from learning to drive. Life is too short to dwell on it though. There are too many things that I can do, so I place my focus of those things.

Getting back to what I have personally found, that helps me…

Many years ago I started surrounding myself with people who, ‘in my mind’ didn’t fit my perfect criteria to the cleanliness of a perfect life, as bad as that sounds. I realize it sounds snobby, and I apologize for that.

I was told in therapy that med-free baby steps involves a process of stepping out of ones comfort zone. Regarding my OCD..but I think it can apply with many things in life.

I don’t remember a time when OCD was not a part of me. I have some pretty vivid memories of my six year old self quietly comforting myself with it.  I saw my OCD as a special friend. Something that was never going to leave me.

And I’m told that it never truly does. I can have it under control, but it will always be a part of who I am. And it’s healthy to come to that realization.

Baby steps for me has helped so much. Especially on the area with people.

Nothing entirely bad happened. Which is what I needed to learn through the process.

But jumping in, was like jumping in front of an ongoing train. And given that my personality is more of a doer then a thinker…..The irony of that!

For me, it is easy to do a lot of things… suffering the consequences later. It’s really confusing to have OCD bad thoughts with my personality.

Act now! Think later! And that thinking part later, is what drives me up the wall. Especially of the unexpected has happened. 

Getting back to what my therapist shared with me…

After several years I accomplished my fear of people that were the opposite of me. As well as the fear of germs. For the most part.

Next task would be making my daily household more bearable. I wanted to be able to walk through my house from one room to the next without stopping to fix, or rearrange something. 

It has taken me walking by a messy pantry, or many shoes in disarray, several times…before fixing them, to teach my mind that it’s ok, Alright to see and have things not in order. Baby steps.

Then the next step would be to go to bed and try to sleep the entire night. Knowing that the pantry cans were not facing the right way. Or that everyone’s shoes by the front door were not lined up a certain way.

That took the longest time….

Normally I would get out of bed because I would not be able to fall asleep knowing that there was a mess in the other room. And Oh gosh! Don’t get me started on the sofa cushions. I still need to fix them several times a day. If I didn’t like them so much, I would remove them entirely. But I’m very fond of home Decor. My living space needs to feel a certain way. And I’m okay with that.

After years of taking baby steps, which morphed into giant steps, I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Hence me publically sharing. 🙂

While my preference is still to have the families shoes somewhat neat, and the pantry in some sort of order, it doesn’t trigger me at all anymore. I CAN sleep just fine.

I can also sleep in someone else’s messy house without organizing and cleaning for them. Or trying to fix them and their living space.

It simply doesn’t phase me anymore. Let people enjoy their own kind of caous. 😉

That said, I have yet to master my OCD bad thoughts. And it really does control me. Oh how it does!

I won’t go too deep into this one, as it is somewhat dark, but now my OCD has mainly become strings of different scenarios that rewind, and then play back in my head. Certain things that would probably never happen.

This has been a constant struggle for many years now.
For example…. I will think of a break-in or robbery and I will start to think of every possibility of how it may or may not turn out.

I use to have nightmares of myself handling a break-in or being at a store while it was getting robbed. And all the different ways it may play out.

It happens when I stay at hotels too.

My mind will  start thinking of different things that may have taken place in that particular hotel room. Or hotel.  Sometimes keeping me from falling a sleep.

Likewise while in a car. (As a passenger)

I start thinking about getting into an accident, and not being able to get out of my seatbelt. Maybe it’s jammed and locked.

Or maybe all the doors are jammed and there is no escape! And I die.
Another thing I struggle with, is something bad happening if I don’t XYZ.
Crazy things like, walking over to the air condition vent and opening it and shutting it over and over again…until I feel like its fine.
In my mind, something bad can happen if I don’t open and shut the vent over and over again.
Sometimes it’s something simple like looking at myself in the bathroom mirror.

I stand in the front of the mirror until I feel like everything is fine. Not hours on end.. just for a few moments. I need to ‘feel’ like everything is good and fine.

Sometimes I verbalize to myself that I am safe and fine during this time. And that is all it takes.

Another issue:
Clothes hangers in the laundry room is something  that I was constantly having to put in order. (past tense)

I recently changed all the hangers in the house to the same color.

Otherwise I’d have to constantly take time to stop, and put them in order. Because that would be something that really triggered me. Now they are all the same color and it is gone.

I remember as a teenager taking masking tape and labeling each hanger. One would say black leggings. One would say blue striped shirt. You get the point. The correct garment needed to me on the designated hanger.

I would never feel the need to do that nowadays, but back in the days it was what was needed in order to feel fine and have a good day.
Like many others, I like things around me too look a certain way. Mainly because it makes me ‘feel’ a certain way… and I’m a very ‘feelings’ type of person.

Tissue boxes…

I don’t spend a whole lot on tissues, but they have to be in all the rooms of my house. And the boxes have to be diagonally.

They get moved by the family throughout the week and it is a constant problem that I am  still trying to over come.

But something as silly as a  Kleenex box will and has, kept me awake at night…
It’s so odd because there are a list of things that I do not care about whatsoever. Things that bother a basic person.

I would say normal person, but what is normal…. but a figment of our imaginations.

A few things that I don’t care about, but you may…

1. I don’t have to have my bed made each day.

2. The kitchen floor needs to be swept three times a day by me… but I do not mind if what I sweep up is randomly in a corner all day, or even swept under a throw rug. Yikes! I know.
3. I don’t care if dirty dishes are in the sink. Just as long as they are only put in one side of the sink. Piled high in one sink.. and no dishes in the one next to it. Perfectly fine!

I am very keen on everything being consolidated …and to be honest, I judge people who do not know how to consolidate. It was one of the very first things I taught my kids to do. Even before learning to tie their own shoes.

4. Laundry can be clean and sitting in front of the dryer unfolded for weeks on end. No biggie, just as long as it’s clean and not dirty clothes sitting on the floor.

 I can go on… and talking about it really helps my mind sort through things.. But you get the idea.

OCD is talked about a lot in life. But  it’s mainly only about people that need everything to be clean..

Triggers:

Some more recent triggers that have set off my bad thoughts have been:

1. I got out of the passengers side of our SUV and on the ground was a used needle. It could have been drug related, or perhaps from a diabetic. I will never know, But that image has not left my mind with all the possible questions/scenarios that have been dancing in my head. And that was over a month ago.

2. I was at a thrift store and there was an upside down desk chair that I walked by… underneath it, were several spider cocoons.   When I looked at it, I imagined what type of spiders would crawl out and over take the thrift store if they were punctured. They looked like black widow egg sacs to me, so my mind thought up a pretty intense horror story on how they took over the store, and later the whole town.

3. I have had to stop watching news and YouTube videos about the Hurricane in Texas because I have visuals that I have seen that have been consuming my mind. Sometimes if I draw them they will leave.. but these are too graphic.

 

It’s not fun not being able to control your day to day thoughts. So I have been making the effort to limit what I see.

At least I have that type of control.

 
~Please feel free to comment about your own OCD tendencies. Or if you have a blog post about it, please share the link so I can check it out. 

Feeling loved by a parent 

Seems like such an easy thing to feel. Or is it too much to ask for?

Feeling loved by your parents.

I imagine the very first love a baby feels is from his or her mother. Or perhaps who ever baby first longenly gazes at.  I think feeling warm and comforted when a baby cries is the very first time a baby experiences love.

I like to imagine that is where and how a baby first experiences love. Of course I very well could be wrong. It’s just what I imagine.

Should we expect that same love that we  first felt from a parent or guardian as full grown adults?

My personal opinion, is YES!

Being a middle age woman myself, I’m just now realizing the truth about certain lives. Or perhaps ive always known, but am just now accepting this truth. 

Personal experience:

My mother raised me and gave me many materialistic things that all my classmates had growing up. She wasn’t affectionate. Rarely vulnerable, and rarely home. 

While I was at school she was home, and as soon as I got home she left till the wee hours of the morning. I still wonder why she didn’t work while I was at school to be home with me after school. But I guess she really wasn’t ever cut out to be a mother or parent. At least that is what her older sister has shared with me.

But I had all that I needed, and most of my wants. And as a child, that meant something to me.

Yet… I never felt as though she loved me.

I think it’s always been a voided sort of feeling. Looking back on my childhood as an adult now. I know she had/ has no idea how to love anyone. Perhaps not even herself. Sad really.

Being a full time mother myself, I clearly know what a parent/child love feels like. It’s deep, personal, and the greatest feeling ever imaginable. 

My mom did not have all that many men in her life, but when she did… they always, ALWAYS came first. 

She also has always played the victim card on being a single mother with two kids. And how awful that was for her. And she deserves happiness.

Now I can’t relate to that, but I do know that it’s not something you should spend 30+ years shoving down your kids throats. How awful it was. Yet there has rarely been any conversation that has not ended with that phrase.

 I also know that a loving parent should not always make their child feel bad over their childhood, etc. (the poor me syndrome) It’s terribly selfish. 
A parent should be encouraging and excited when their children do well for themselves and are happy. And don’t have to suffer as they had growing up. 

They should not always bring it all back to themselves and guilt trip their children time and time again. That is NOT LOVE. 

Well, this is what many children go through on the daily. I’m certainly no exception. 
I have spent my whole life wondering if something was wrong with me because I felt nothing towards my mother. Always having to fake it. 

I’ve spent years trying to force it. I do believe there was this one time that I cried because she was leaving. She was moving to another state, and I had two small children that were going to be growing up with no grandparent. Looking back now, I know it was more of an attachment thing. Not love. I look back now and know how miserable I would have been, had she not moved to another state.


I’ve spent years going down to visit her each year, but I’ve always come back stressed and agitated. I’ve felt it was my duty as her daughter. So I’ve always tried to cator to her.

But she’s all alone because of her selfishness. It’s always been all about her and what she feels entitled too. And it always ends up with the phrase… “because of all I’ve had to sacrifice being a single mother with two kids”

It has not been an easy decision, but I’ve finally realized that I do not own my mother anything. I do not need to force a relationship with her, in hopes for a couple bread crumbs of genuine love.


Moving right along… 

Yes, I have a father too. I didn’t actually grow up with him 24/7, because my mother had custody and we lived in different states. I did see him though. And he’s always been up front with why he always strayed, sort of speak. 

You see, my father is the polar opposite of my mother. Very affectionate and loving. Some may say, too affectionate. Borderline suffocating. But none the less, overbearingly loving. 

My father never gave me anything though. Well, except my life. But I’m talking about  needs and wants. No child support. 

Mother spent years telling me that he use to threaten her, that if she ever divorced him, then he wouldn’t pay a dime. And he kept that promise. Yes. Messed very up. I know! But then most things are.. such as this earthly life…

That shared.. I have never doubted his love for me. Go figure..


This has confused me this past month. I may write about it again in the future. It helps.

But for now, I do have some closure. 

My eyes have been open. 

Two months ago, I was still in denial. 

And no one can ever place a price tag on closure

I’m Done


I’m writing this to partially vent, and partially document my current feelings right now, along with material to reread in the future if I get weak….

   

This week has been part hell and part bliss.

The bliss was spent alone with my daughter, playing tourist with a private chauffeur (ubur)


Yes, I spent $80 in ubur fees this past week, but I don’t drive, and I’m pretty certain that renting a car for a week would have been more, or at least equal.
The hell part of the week was listening to someone complain and belittle me. And not realizing the damage she was doing. A friend told me to stay strong and turn the other cheek. But I just couldn’t keep feeling down right exhausted each time she would speak.

I tried to hold on, but just couldn’t. 
Some of the complaints were,
1. Looks like you put on some weight.

2. What the heck is wrong with you, it’s 90 degrees, how the hell can you be cold. 

3.Do you really need that?

4. Do you know how many calories is in that? A seed bar is all I need in the morning, and that lasts me till dinner, in which I have a salad or bowl of soup. That’s why I don’t ever gain weight.

5. I don’t understand why you like the beach. The sand fleas, sun, people.

6. You have no idea what you are talking about, just wait till you are my age, then we will talk.

7. You are lucky you have a husband. Try being a single mom with two kids and not a lick of help!

8. If you want hot coffee you can’t pour it and go use the bathroom.

9. I’m sorry the air mattress isn’t comfortable but it’s all I have. Try sleeping on one for four years like I had to do once.

10. I’m sure your bed back home is not any more comfortable that what I’m offering you.

11. I hope you don’t mind sleeping with the lights and tv on. Remember, you are a guest.

12. I’m doing more dishes in the past few days then I have had to in the past four years.

13. Don’t bother putting the groceries away, I need them a certain way.

14. It would be nice if I had some help here!

15. Let me show you how the shower curtain works.

16. The towel next to the sink is for you to dry your hands on, NOT the one hanging up. I realize they are the same towels, but it’s how I do things.

17. I don’t have any ants here I don’t know what you are talking about. You must be seeing things.

18. Make sure you scold the cats if they try to eat at the same time.  

19. If you go to the beach make sure you don’t bring anything back inside that was at the beach.

20. Why are you cleaning the seashells in the sink. Those should have been hosed off outside. They stink like the beach!

21.You don’t know what it’s like living on a fixed income, and hopefully will never have too.

22. It cost me $80 last month to get my hair done and now I need to get it done again because it’s fading.

23. You are not actually going to pay an extra dollar for that tomato, right? That’s insane and stupid! Just stupid!

24. So, does your household still eat whenever they want and however they want? Does everyone still eat differently and at different times? I don’t know how anyone can live that way. But I guess I’m old school and we grew up eating all at the same time and all are what was served!

25. Don’t forget to wipe any hair out of the shower and drain, and that goes for your daughter too.

26. Are you really going to let your daughter go outside at this time of night?

27. No, of course I don’t want any of that orange juice, I have diabetes, or have you forgotten? Now pass me one of those pepper mints.

28. If you are going to have a potato you might as well gorge on a cupcake. Your body sees it as one of the same.

29. You have no idea what REAL struggling is!

30. There’s never been a time when I was happy, I didn’t realize that you thought differently.

31. I’m not staying in FL. I’m going to find someone who will let me live with them for the summer in exchange for my company. 

32. I don’t drive in traffic or in the dark. Live with it!

33. I am at the mall to pick you up, but you will have to walk around to the front because I’ve never driven around the back and don’t plan to now. 

34.Why must you get a Starbucks coffee while we are out. That’s simply not needed!

35.Maybe you like the nonsense sitcoms that are on today, but I don’t. 

36. I don’t have the internet and have no desire to learn. Why would I want to waste my time and energy.

37. When I was your age I had tons of energy. Wait till you reach 60.

38. Some people have to work for a living!

39. Make sure you eat up that food that you bought or it’s going straight to the garbage.

40. It’s hard for me to feel sorry for anyone. Karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around.

41. Just remember, you only have ONE mother and regardless of the circumstances, she deserves respect!

42. Today’s kids are still living at home at age 25, and it’s the parents fault for coddling them their whole lives! That, and they seem to feel entitled and scared of the real world. I certainly didn’t raise you that way.

It falls back to the parents, and letting their kids rule the home. I will never understand this screwed up generation. Is she the product of how you raised her?

43. I know you say you just like it, but I simply don’t need makeup to feel good about myself. I don’t! Apparently you do!

44. So tell me again why you feel the need to waste money on a hotel when you can stay here with me?

45. I’m not arguing just because I’m raising my voice. And I’m sorry if you and your daughter think I am. That’s on you, not me. Get over it! Welcome to the real world!

46. Well I’m happy that it works for you but at my age you want someone else to do it. Don’t you think I deserve at least that?

47. You are delusional and don’t know what you are talking about.

48. No. This is the first time I’m hearing this. You are lying if you think you have already told me this.

49. I don’t need a bunch of friends to fulfill me. I also don’t need church. I know my limits and who I am. 

50. You snore, did you know that? You really need to get that checked out.

51.People live in RV’s at my age, not yours! You guys are living in a fantasy world if you think you will be able to do that. But whatever!

52. We’ll tell me about this book. What’s it about and why do you think of like it? You know how picky I am about books. I doubt I will like it.

53. I can’t be around negative people. I can’t! I need uplifting people I need uplifting people in my life. People who want to be around me!

And these are just the ones that keep rewinding and playing in my head because they were said in such an unkind way. 

There were more.  Lots more!

There was not one thing that I said that was not counteracted to bring the focus back to the toxic person. Everything that came from her mouth was negative. EVERYTHING! I kept trying to find one positive thing that I could focus on, but never did. Not one!

I keep asking myself how can one person not realize they are this way. 

How can someone complain this much and truly believe they are in the right, and everyone else is at fault, and put to get them.

But then I kept being silently reminded that it’s not my job to fix anyone or prove anything. I’ve lived my whole life forgiving and forgetting, meanwhile parts of me were dwindling away.


It’s my job to take care of myself. And after suffering years from emotional abuse… I have finally reached my breaking point.

It felt liberating!

It was as if something snapped and I freaked out and yes, my flesh got the best of me for an all of five minutes, but then I just went numb. 

It scared me instantly, but I’m still not entirely sure if that was a normal feeling to have. Perhaps it was.

It’s finally over.  A weight had been lifted. I don’t feel dread and suffocation any more.

I don’t feel as if I need to fix it. In fact, there is nothing left to fix. 

And the best part is, I don’t even owe her an explanation. I have the liberty and freedom to step back from any thing that is tearing me down. 

Amen!


I’m truly done.


Mental abuse

I have learned something this past week. More then the fact… that I NEVER want to be as bitter of a person as my mother. 

I’ve learned that being a bitter person brings everyone around you to a dark mental state. 
A state of mind that requires more then just waking each morning and putting on the full armor of God. 

I’ve learned that each morning is new and fresh. However, it can easily spiral downhill if you surround yourself with people that have mental disorders. Especially if they are in denial about them.

Some say that if you are a strong Christian, then you need to just pray for more patience in dealing with people that have mental disorders. And that it’s about you, not them. And that if your blood pressure is raising merely thinking about a certain individual, then you simply have not arrived yet. Pray harder…Mind over matter.

And that you need to reach a peaceful place withing yourself, where nothing phases you. 

Not even when others try to bring you down to their miserable levels.

And while they all sounds good in theory. And something to thrive for, I’ve recently drawn the conclusion that THAT is total BS. Very bad advice!

You see, If you are generally a positive, relaxed, type of person, and suddenly you find your own mental state of mind MORE, then challenged when you are around certain people, then you have no business being around those types of people. Family, friends, or the alike. Don’t do it!

You should NOT feel guilty protecting yourself from  people that bring you down. 
Physically, or mentally.

You need to free yourself from the mind frame, that you can help someone that simply is not ready to accept your help. 
It’s very foolish to keep thinking that you can open a persons eyes that are blind. Glued shut.
It’s hard to watch the demise of another human being. Especially if it’s a close friend or family member. 

But it’s even worst enabling them. Being their punching bag for years on end..

I’m not talking about someone who you occasionally disagree with. No. I’m talking about trying to have an adult conversation with someone who always plays the victim. And has something negative to say about everything and everyone around them. 

Someone who starts their mornings complaining, and ends each day with the same complaints. 

Someone who wakes in the middle of the night to scream. Someone who thinks the world revolves around them and they are somehow entitled to feel this way because they have had a bad childhood, rough life, bad relationships, no role model of a mother, no active father, etc. The list is endless.

The poor me syndrome. Is what I like to call it.

And while I do still consider myself an empath. To a certain degree…

People can only play victim for so long. Perhaps some people don’t realize how soul sucking they make everyone around them. Perhaps there is a reason no one ever wants to be around them. Perhaps it really is that they are a horrible person to be around. A person that will have no one at their funeral. Well, except the grave digger..

It’s so sad. But there are thousands of people in this world who are Narcissists

In conclusion:

If more negative words come out of your mouth then positive words…. in a twenty-four hour day… then perhaps you are the problem

Not everyone else. 


Packing for a trip

Brain:

All done packing. I feel GREAT!

Or am I done?

Do I really want to wear ‘those’ outfits that I just packed?

What if I get down there and decide that those outfits are not what I want to wear?!

Do I have enough under garments? Do they match?

Did I pack the jewelry that wil look good with those outfits?

What if it rains? Should I pack rainy day attire?

Two pair of shoes should be good. I want to look good, but still be very comfy.

But what if it rains?

Am I going to want to carry the same purse for that many days? Will the same purse match all those outfits?

I don’t want to carry another luggage to or from…

What if I packed too much? After all, I plan to do a lot of shopping with mom. What if I packed too much and will then, have to pay the extra $75 at the airport coming back, due to added weight?

But what if I don’t find much, and therefore not have as many options as I’d hoped….🤔

Packing for a trip…. The struggle is real.

And yes, I know! Dumb first world problems that shouldn’t matter in the least. I know this. 😐

Tax Returns

I know most people would find this type of thing silly, and perhaps pointless… but while stuck in traffic earlier I started thinking about how every year during tax season people start thinking about what, and where, their tax return will go to.
Ubur responsible people, probably put theirs towards a few extra car payments, credit card debt, or mortgage payments. 
And If you have had a bad year, perhaps a long overdue vacation…
Or maybe you donate it all to your church, or other non-profit organization.
I’m not sure if my family is the only one this happens too, but we start thinking about where to put or future tax return each November….But then about a week before it arrives, something breaks down. It truly never fails.
The car, lawnmower, major appliance…etc. 

So today while stuck in traffic I started to think about everything I would buy if money grew on trees, sorta speak…
Here’s my personal list:
1. A boat to accommodate our family size.  

2. A RV that would accommodate our family size.

3. An in ground pool with a jacuzzi next to it.

4. Enough fencing to fence in our land.

5. All new appliances. 

6. Pay off all current debt.

7. New furniture for the entire house.

And off the top of my head, that is about it. I’ve never had the desire to play the lotto, or get rich…just have all our needs filled, and a handful of wants would be nice.

~If its not too personal, please share your list. 😉

Another Trip

Well, looks like I will be leaving for Florida in a couple weeks. I just bought the tickets. I’m waiting for my daughter to finish off her last couple weeks of collage so she can come with me.

We have a lot planned for the two weeks we will be there. I think it’s nice to have mom and me trips. Especially if you have more then one child. 

My mother is very happy because I will be there again for Mothers Day. This will be the third year now. 

If anyone thinks they can’t afford to travel, please, please, check out the airline, Aligence. You can pretty much go anywhere in the USA for only $40 each way. 

So I guess hyjacked aircraft does have its fringe benefits.. lowing tickets and all. *grin* (I know, dark humor.)

Anyhoo, I’m already packed and ready to go.

I can not believe it’s almost May already. Each year that passes always seems to wiz right by. I hear that happens with growing old.

It’s been a rocky four months of this year. But not quite as bad as years passed. 

A few things that have happened this year already have been:

1. DH’s father passed away and there is an ugly who gets what among the siblings. But this is what happens when one doesn’t have a will. 

2. My bestfriend got diagnosed with cancer. 

3. My mother lost the love of her life.

4. My father left his wife. (Not my mom.)
And so is this thing we call life.

This is why I don’t look to the future. Nor make silly five year plans, etc. But life has taught me that only fools live that way.

Nope! Live each day as its your last. Take chances and just go for it! Not to sound like an inspirational quote.. but if the shoe fits….

There is Nothing wrong with failing, because the ride is always worth the memory.

That’s my motto. More later….