RIP Auntie. You are forever loved.

Oh Aunt Edie! Where do I began?
I loved you so much.
You filled in so many gaps in my childhood and teen years.
You were always there for me. Always!
Especially as a teenager when I needed someone the most.
But I don’t want to think sad thoughts right now, only happy times, and that is what you always brought to my life.

I’m so happy I had the chance to go to Wisconsin last year and have the kids meet you and spend the day with you.

You taught me everything I know about women hood. And in return, I taught everything that you taught me to my girls.

You were indeed, a free spirit. Everyone thought so.

I know you always wanted to have a daughter, and I filled in that gap for you just as much as you filled for me.

You taught me about homemaking, fashion, Jewelry, nails and makeup. All things girly!
You taught me how people see you, depending on how you present yourself.
First impressions. Making people feel loved.

My first memories of you are when you were pregnant with Aaron, your youngest son.

I hope you are finally reunited with your two Angel babies.

You gave of yourself unconditionally.
So many people did you wrong, but you never held a grudge. Ever!

You were so easy going and didn’t sweat the small stuff. Oh! How I try to be that way.

You loved hard, and passionately.
You had a charisma that attracted people to you. Maybe too much. People left your presence happy, and more alive though. You always made time for everyone that crossed your path and made everyone feel special around you. You never loss your temper. You spoke kindness. You were humble. You loved being a full time mother and friend.

You loved life! Despite all the losses life threw at you.

You were a massive collector of all things that made you happy. You didn’t care that no one understood how you loved so many things.
Regardless of what people thought, you were simply, you.
You found the beauty in every thing.

Some of your collections that I can recall as a child were your baby reborn dolls, sewing cabbage patch kid clothing.
Oh, and your cabbage patch collection. I remember the walls in your living room covered with State Bells, State thimbles, snd State spoons.

Your kitchen was filled with Fiesta ware, Bone China, Blue and Ruby glass. And Tupperware that could fill a store. I remember all of your table cloths, and the day you taught me how to set a proper table. I remember you eating one jello pudding pop a day, and using your Bill Cosby voice, when BC started making those commercials.

Your dining room was filled with vintage linens, baskets, Silver tea sets. I remember how happy you were when your husband installed the swinging wooden bar doors. You didn’t care if anything matched. You liked what you liked.

I remember how magical I thought your bedroom was as a young girl. Old books stacked against the walls. Beads and bead magazines lined up and future projects. Indian memorabilia that you’d collected from the Indian village. Going to the Indian village with you in the Florida Everglades.

Avon jewelry, Scarabs, stacks of stickers, vintage aprons and fabrics, Barbie’s, genuine turquoise, old Merl jewelry boxes filled with brooches and rings. I recall all of your plushes, and AVON colognes lined up on both of your vanities.

Lucky rabbits feet filled in old glass vases. Garfield Memorabilia, and vintage quilts galore! The 19” black and white TV playing your soap operas throughout the summer days.
I know there was so much more!

You were more then an aunt to me Aunt Edie. You were a girlfriend and mother figure as well.

I remember you outside catching lizards with me and teaching me about them, in detail.

I remember when we had our families living together in the big pink house, which you officially named The Pink Mansion.
I remember going to school and telling people that I lived in a big pink mansion!

I remember the day that you taught me how to do laundry. And how you don’t need to separate the whites from the colors if you buy second hand, you said. Why? Because all of the dye had already left.

I remember your laugh. I remember you telling me that the laundry soap ALL, was the best, and superior to Tide. But it was nearly five dollars a gallon. Very expensive!

I remember home work you helped me with after school. Paper mache’.
Playing dress up with me and doing my makeup.
Teaching me to braid my hair, and yours!
Letting me brush your super long hair and putting it up in that one and only barrette you had.

Then not getting mad at me when I stole your barrette at age 9, and gave it back to you ten years later. Silly me, thinking by wearing it, I would become you.

I remember your gold puffy heart necklace that was your favorite. I remember you telling me it’s better to love a thousand times, then to remain reserved and alone, for fear of a broken heart. I remember the look in your eyes.

I remember calling you and asking you how you get your hair so blonde, and you telling me that you bleach it.

I remember buying Clorox bleach and going home and pouring it over my head in the sink while mom was at work, and having my hair fall out. Calling you crying, wondering what I did wrong.

You told me that it is hair color bleach, not Clorox, and telling me how much fun it’s going to be wearing wigs to school. And for me to rinse my hair at the sink for a hour. I did!

And yes, It was fun wearing a wigs to school until my hair grew back.
I remember hearing mom on the phone yelling at you for not explaining the difference.

I remember you sneaking me special snacks that you reserved for yourself, but shared with only me. Chocolate covered Caramels, Jelly beans and Slim Jim’s.

I remember how you’d make grocery shopping fun! And telling me that it is an honor to shop for your family. I remember when you bought me that animal print bikini that mom wouldn’t buy me and letting me wear it at the community pool when mom was at work. I remember onlookers asking me if I was Debbie Gibson, and me feeling so shocked that they thought I looked like her.

I remember watching The Shining movie, and you telling me I may have nightmares. I did. And I still occasionally do…

Staying up late on school nights watching Green Acres , Patty Duke, and Father Knows Best.
Teaching me to make my own jewelry.
Shopping for broomstick skirts and cowboy boots.
Walking around the mall for hours upon hours.
Reading romance novels to me.
Teaching me with Uncle B, to fish for Bass in the lake, and telling me to not disturb the alligators while they were sunbathing, just six feet away.

Teaching me about breeding animals.
Calming me down when I use to be scared of all the iguanas that lived under your place. I remember your love for motor cycles and bad boys!

Giving your doves a shower before the magic shows.
Performing in a magic show.
Playing hide and seek in the dark.

I remember how you would get up early to make me fried egg sandwiches before school, and they were the best in the world. The cheese always melted to perfection.

I remember you
talking me out of having an Abortion as a teenager. Oh that was an emotional day!
I will always remember Your love for animals and babies. Just like Grandma.
Being there for me during my teen pregnancy, when no one else was.

I remember how much you loved paper mache , and taking ceramic classes and making mom that big black panther and 3-D looking lion planter.

I remember the large macramé, plant hanging things you would make. They were so beautiful!

I loved watching you create beautiful things Auntie.

I remember the year you forgot about Christmas! You were always so busy doing things and living life to its fullest, right where you were planted. Even through all of the storms.

I remember your record player set up in the hallway and you singing to country music, while dancing in your broomstick skirt and cowboy boots.

Always, always, telling me how proud you are of me. And how special I was to you. And had you had a daughter, you wanted her to be me.

I remember the day I asked my mother if I really was her daughter because I felt like you were my mother. I remember mom telling me how you use to date my father, but no, I was not your daughter, sorry.

I remember going to Hollywood with you to a fancy macrobiotic seminar, and you telling me that you had cancer and had to eat clean from now on, so no more chocolates. I remember not knowing what that meant, but asking if you were going to die. You said of course not honey.

I remember you always buying a bag of ice each day for your husbands bar. I remember asking you why he didn’t by his own ice.

I remember you getting out of your green Vega car in the pouring rain to make everyone sandwiches, because you were not going to let a thunderstorm ruin our Memorial Day Picnic.

I watched you from the car window and can remember how your long blonde hair was drenched down your back..over your pink, terry cloth romper…Never complaining about, well, anything.

At 21, I remember you raiding my closet and trying on my dresses, because you had lost weight and were able to fit in all my clothes. I remember you dancing to Madonna with me wearing my clothes. I remember you making a Madonna, Halloween costume and having it win at the party.

I remember you telling me the cancer was back, but it wasn’t your time yet. And for me to not worry.

This time I knew what that meant.

I remember moving to Florida later that year. I remember the day you took me to your church, and were wearing a prom dress that was mine, wanting to sparkle that day, not caring what onlookers would think of say.

I remember you pointing out your boyfriend in the church choir, and then a moment later you fainting next to me. Someone called 911 and I rode in the ambulance with you frantically scared.

At the hospital I thought you were going to die, and I couldn’t control my emotions. I remember crying over you, while someone saying that they will have to cut the blue prom dress off of you and you mumbling, “NO! It’s too pretty to cut” And that it belongs to your niece.

Aunt Edie, I still have that dress. And I have pictures of all my girls in it.

Oh Aunt Edie, the list can go on and on.
You meant the absolute world to me.
I only wish we had lived in the same state during my marriage and mommy of many years. I just know that my kids would have bonded with you just like I did.

It has been four days since your passing. I’ve been reflecting on everything you taught me on what was really important in life. People and giving them your time. Making everyone feel special.

I will cherish you the rest of my life and I hope I have become all that you were and more, as a Christian.
Until we meet again….

I love you Auntie. ❤️

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Turning 50 next week!

What do you want for your birthday, DH asked.
New bag? Perfume?
Fancy dinner?
Party?

I didn’t need to think about it.

“No, none of the above. I replied.”

The truth is, I’d LOVE to be sitting in my living room with my five children for hours on end, playing Monopoly with them. Just like when they were younger.

THAT, is on the very top of my list. My heart.

Maybe on my 60th?”

Hmm, so Instead,

I’d take a….

1. A lingering stroll in a park for fun, not exercise.
   Stopping to examine Gods creation.
   3.Sitting at Pilot Mountain, breathing in the fresh air and watching the birds fly by.
2. Maybe, wading in the waterfalls. But it’s much to cold this time of year.
   5.Sitting on my porch rocking chair, and just staring off in the distance.
   6.Reading into the night without watching what time it was, or worries about the next days tasks.
   7.Sleeping until noon. Coffee and a Western omelette in bed.
   8.Waking to a clean house because it was clean the night before.

These are the little things that bring me Joy.
And the best part is, you can’t put a price tag on them.

I have experienced so much heart break in my life, and at fifty, I have come to realize it’s made me who I am today. I love hard, and feel all the feels, and had I not given my life to Christ when I did, I know I would have never seen fifty. So when I wake up on my birthday I will be praising the Lord wholeheartedly.

Christian in later life

Something that I’ve never heard anyone discuss before, are the benefits of becoming a born again believer in latter life.

Maybe benefits is not the right word.

I spent years bitter because I did not grow up in a Christian home like all my adult friends. I felt like if I had, I would not have screwed up my life so much before age 22. I made d sad I many mistakes and wrong turns between age 14-22, I loss tract.

I got saved a couple of months before my 23rd birthday. I still remember, as if it were yesterday. I also remember how I use to see the world and everyone in it. I thought that that would have been something I would have forgot, all these years later. But I have not.

Becoming saved as an adult has made me view things a whole lot different then all of my Christian friends. I remember what worked and what didn’t work, when people talked about God to me. I remember all the many times I went to church as a child and teen.

I don’t have any memories going to church with my mother, but I do remember going to church with both of her sisters. Both were Presbyterians. (Insert short fun Bible lessons, having snacks and learning about Adam and Eve, Jonah, and Noah’s Ark again and again and again. Nothing more!)

I also went to church with my grandmothers when I spent the night with them. One was Pentecostal (insert 4 hour services on a backroads farm) And the other grandma was a Roman Catholic. (Insert a bunch of hand movement rituals, singing and chit-chat from the pulpit, without a clue to what I just heard) Visiting my father, I have memories of going to confession and making up things to say. Just got kicks!

I ask myself, What did I actually believe in? I believed in Evolution and the Big Bang. I also believed in Adam and Eve. I just though they were the cavemen.

By the time I was 22, and I heard the true gospel, from my now husband, I was a mess. I remember telling him that I was recarnated and was many different people and animals in my past lives.. having memories here and there.

I also believed that the Bible was never to be taken seriously. And if it were true, it was dated. My mom use to tell me that.

Fast Forward: I am a born again believer of The one and ONLY true God, Jesus Christ.

I have been a Christian for 25 years now. Have I backslid during these 25 years? Yes I have!

But God always led me right back to him through prayer.

Before I was saved, I had no idea what convictions felt like. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, without any guilt whatsoever.

Was that an easier way to live? Simply for yourself? Sure it was!

But I would never ever want to go back to who I was and how I was. My whole mind frame has changed. And I know that I had nothing to do with it. Christ did. I was having too much fun living for me.

Culture takes a sin and celebrates the sin. I was a free agent. Highs and deep lows in life. When it was good, it was very good. And when it was bad, I wanted to die.

I remember being very much a part of worldly culture, and I know what it’s like to be part of counterculture. It’s so much more fulfilling!

That said, one of the benefits of becoming saved as an adult is that I have never felt like God abandoned me when things were not going well for me. (Let’s face it, Christian or not, life is not a bowl of cherries 24/7)

I have also never felt disappointed, or mad at God. Wanting to throw in the towel and go back to my pre-saved days. I hear Christian’s share these two things pretty frequently.

I think it’s because I remember how I felt before I was saved. And in comparison to how I have feel as a Christian.. Well, there is no way that I could ever dream of going back to that empty, shallow, lifeless, lonely, internal feeling that I couldn’t escape late at night when I was all alone with my thoughts.

Life was crazy! Filled with uncertainty and questions.

I have no questions now. I know how it ends. I have no uncertainty now. I have no loneliness.. even when I’m alone. I do not Fear death whatsoever. I remember thinking that o was once a bunny rabbit that was killed by a wolf. Goodness me! I actually believed I use to be a rabbit!!

I also know when, and when I am not in Gods will. I will start off his path and feel him tug me back. It is remarkable!

His yoke is easy. I never knew or understood the meaning of that until I became one with Christ.

It’s an organic feeling. And being on the right road in life is pretty darn Amazing. I feel peace.

I have peace in the good and bad times.

I can feel sad, yet at complete peace through Christ.

Is there anything better to delight in, then being at Peace 24/7? I think not!

If someone would have shared all of these things with me as a child or teen, I would have though they were nuts! I would not have understood what they meant by having internal peace when something awful has happened. I would not have understood what it meant to be born again. To physically die, to lose my putter shell (flesh) yet have my spirit alive forever. That is a-lot to fully grasp. I am just so thrilled that I had people praying for me and a husband that took a chance on me.

Aging through the Ages

Time Line to aging, adulting, growing up, and feeling older:

Twenty’s and thirties, feel pretty similar. At least that did for me.

I was still working out almost every day and feeling very good. Physically and mentally.

For reference, I am currently 47.

I don’t hide my age. And I don’t mind when I am asked how old I am.

I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism shortly after my 38th Birthday. My mom has it, her mom had it, both my aunts have it, and both of my female cousins have it.

So I suppose it was inevitable.

When I turned 40, I still felt great.

When I turned 43 I felt like something was happening to my mind as well as my body.

I felt all sorts of weird, and not like myself. I thought I was going into menopause, but my doctor checked and I was not. I’m not sure what was happening.

I was tired more, and I started gaining weight, even though my diet had not changed. I felt overwhelmed and frustrated on the daily.

By 44, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis and Fibromyalgia. Also things the ladies in my family have. (Why DNA? WHY?)

Working out on machines became a thing of the past and I switched to swimming. And even then, it felt like a major chore.

By 45, I felt horrible!

No one knew though.

Nothing ages a person more, then a complainer.

I remember my mom telling me that she would rather not have any female friends at all, then a group of complainers.

Ironically, I find her to be the biggest complainer I know.

When you age, your friend’s complaints start with Complaints about their partners, then your unruly kids, then your boss, then about their other friends, and ends with complaints about your current health, or lack of. Basically, who has more body aches and pains.

Due to this, mom made her best friend a male, not a lady friend.

I guess we all need to vent sometimes. I know in my younger days I’ve over shared. But as I’ve aged, I am mindful of the spirit of complaining and feel as I have a good balance.

Moving along…

By age 44/45 I did not like the way I felt whatsoever, and I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I just didn’t know how about changing the way I was feeling about myself..

I grew up with my mom telling me that I was too vain, because I liked to pamper myself. And then my father always told me that women should all take care of themselves.

My dad told me once, that he wouldn’t date a woman who didn’t take care of her hands.

And that proper grooming was the most important thing for a woman.

I remember visiting an old-timey Baptist church many years ago where the preacher, who was preaching on Mother’s Day to the ladies had something interesting to say.

He said that women must not forget to paint the barn once it began to chip, and for ladies to always remember that if the barn needs painting, then by all means, paint it!

It reminded me of my father.

I remember applying lipstick in the passenger’s seat of my mother’s car and brushing my hair. My annoyed by this and telling me that I am so vain and that I put too much emphasis on my looks.

That made me question myself.

Why was I putting lipstick on and brushing my hair?

I am not vain. I just love being a woman and primping is fun for me.

Even if I was the last person on earth, I’d still be applying lipstick every day and messing with my hair.

It is not about vanity and trying to look younger. It’s because it is FUN for me!

It makes ME smile and I will not be shamed for doing something that I love.

My oldest sometimes asks me why I put perfume and lipstick on when I’m not planning on leaving the house..

Again, because I like to smell it on me.

I like feeling like a women. I’m a feeling type of person, and some days I get a lot more accomplished looking a certain way.

Okay, enough of me explaining all of that.

I was diagnosed with OCD and ADHD when I was 19, but I was never on any meds for it. (My choice)

By 45, I decided to get tested again.

Both tested positive and I decided to try meds to see how ”the other half lived”

Granted, These meds come with some side effects. But I try to tell myself that the pros outweigh the cons.

I miss working out so bad, but I still have no energy to work-out and work.

I work from home, but pretty much around the clock.

I asked my doctor last month how, and why I see other women my age doing it all, so effortlessly.

He laughed at me and said they are miserable and at least I’m still a happy person.

I then asked him his age.

He has a couple years on me.

I asked him how he has the energy to work 12 hour days, be on-call, work out, and stay so thin.

Yes, I got all up in his business because I wanted to know.

He told me off the record, he’s dead tired most days..Thin because there is no time to eat. And he doesn’t work out much at all.

He said that his alarm goes off at the crack of dawn, and then he grabs his phone and starts comparing his life to all his doctor friends on Instagram who seem to be taking one cruise after the next.

Living the American dream.

I was shocked!

He then told me that I should be very pleased with myself not falling prey to Instagram.

I’ve never had a Instagram account.

Shocking, I know. And I’ve been off Facebook for almost five years now.

Of course, I know my business would grow if I used social media. But I just don’t have time to maintain social media for work.

Sometimes I ask myself to define happiness at my age.

But I can’t. Not really.

I’m not the type of person to hold a grudge, and I do find the joy on a cloudy day.

I can’t not smile.

My life has gotten a lot easier since I’ve been working, but also harder because it takes my time away from me. In return, I’ve been able to do more things and have more life experiences. We all have.

Of course there is no time for hobbies anymore. I’m hoping someday there will be.

I use to write all the time, cook from scratch, scrapbook, sew, read, chat on the phone, scan social media, etc.

No time for any of that.

But then I was not exactly happy when I was doing all those things.

Being a perfectionist made everything very hard for me.

So I guess I’m happier now.

Yes, I know medication changes you.

It has definitely changed me.

For the better.

I actually feel it has changed my personality. If that is possible.

I’m not a perfectionist anymore.

I am super laid back.

I never overthink anything.

I’m more of a home body, but do force myself to go out several times a week.

I’m not bothered by other people’s imperfections anymore.

Yes! I use to be.

I’m told that things happen as you age. So perhaps it’s a mixture of the sort.

One thing has not changed though, and it’s my feelings.

I feel things deeply. I hurt when I see others hurt or being mistreated.

I use to try to fix people’s problems and now I just remove myself from things that are not good for me to be around.

I wish I was taught how to do that at a younger age.

I’m very picky with my time now.

I only allow a few people into my life.

My family and work come first.

Then my few friends.

Work helps my family so work comes before friends.

Speaking of friends, I’m at a point of growth nowhere I can’t have friends younger then me. They need to be my age, or older.

Years ago all my friends, for the most part were younger then me.

It’s strange recounting the last few decades of my life.

It has shown me where I’ve been and where I’m going.

Where I’ve grown, and where I’m heading.

I’m happy and fulfilled and it feels very good…

Now pass me my animal print cane someone…I need to get these curlers out of my hair.

🤣

OCD

Definition:  Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviors.

OCD centers on themes such as a fear of germs or the need to arrange objects in a specific manner. Symptoms usually begin gradually and vary throughout life.

People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have thoughts (or images) that bother them. Thoughts about making mistakes, harming someone, contamination, disease, religious preoccupation, fears of impulses or desires, or just about anything that you might consider dangerous, disgusting or dirty.

Treatment includes talk therapy, medications, or both.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I have only had talk therapy in my life. And this was back I was first diagnosed. I realize that every circumstance is different. So I don’t  want to come off as being some sort of expert on OCD. 

I find that writing/journally about my OCD, then taking baby steps, has helped me tremendously.
 I still have things that trigger me about once or twice a month though. The triggers last for about a week. And then I try to eliminate the triggers as best as I can. More on that later…

I don’t generally talk openly about what kind of OCD I suffer from, or what things trigger, But today I woke up having experienced a few triggers this past week, so it’s been a bit worst. Hence, it’s time to chat it out. It’s quiet personal to me, so I really do not tend to share what goes through my mind with family or friends.

As a young adult I had what was considered your ‘basic’ symptoms. Or at least, the symptoms that people think of, when they hear the word, OCD.

Excessive washing of my hands and body… and wanting everything around me to be germ-free. At least in my mind. 
Air filters running throughout the house, and the constant checking of things; like the front doors, windows, etc. Making sure they were locked. And clean! Unlocking and unlocking them several times to make sure was a daily ongoing hassle.

I also had to have the cans in the cabinets lined up straight. And shoes by the front door in a nice tidy row.
Things like that brought satisfaction to my life. It really did!
I felt like I was in control. As silly as it sounds.

I’m sure many people that have come from certain types of homes could relate. People that have had parents yet to control them. If you have grown up feeling like your voice didn’t matter…I am sure you could relate.

I have been told that taking baby steps with your OCD, can be a very useful tool in dealing with it.

They say for phobias, this method works too. Afraid of spiders, go to the pet store and look at the tranchulas. Fear of heights, walk up the fire escape of a tall building to get to the roof. Just stand up there a little at a time until the fear of heights subsides. I am told that THAT would eventually cure your fear.

However, I have never been afraid of heights, so don’t hold that as gospel. But I have been on many of roof tops. Not because of the fear of heights, but the OCD thoughts of ‘what ifs’

“What if I jump, will I die?”

“Will I just break all my bones?”

Maybe some of my bones?

“How many bones would be broken?”

And which ones?

Legs? Arms?

And the compulsive thoughts then take over. *sigh*

NOT that I would ever jump off a roof!

Just to clarify.

And I have not been on top of a roof top in years, because I don’t have those particular thoughts anymore.

But I do have the fear of driving. If anyone can relate. And that has handicapped me for my entire life.

Example:  I have sat behind the steering wheel of a parked car, dozens of times to see if the bad thoughts have ceased, but they have not.

So I have chosen to refrain from driving because I would not want to play Russian roulette with my own life, let alone, anyone else’s.

Let me quickly share what happens when I sit behind the wheel of parked car. I immediately imagine it running uncontrollable off a cliff. Even if the keys are not in the ignition. Or no cliffs are anywhere in sight. It’s a horrible feeling.

My head has already drawn the mental image of the car going off the cliff with me behind the wheel! Then I die.

It is nothing that I can control, unfourtently. Then I start having trouble breathing, and generally start crying. It’s a horrible feeling,  that I have made the concoious decision to not put myself through anymore. There are a lot more OCD bad thoughts that I have regarding driving, and they are what keeps me from learning to drive. Life is too short to dwell on it though. There are too many things that I can do, so I place my focus of those things.

Getting back to what I have personally found, that helps me…

Many years ago I started surrounding myself with people who, ‘in my mind’ didn’t fit my perfect criteria to the cleanliness of a perfect life, as bad as that sounds. I realize it sounds snobby, and I apologize for that.

I was told in therapy that med-free baby steps involves a process of stepping out of ones comfort zone. Regarding my OCD..but I think it can apply with many things in life.

I don’t remember a time when OCD was not a part of me. I have some pretty vivid memories of my six year old self quietly comforting myself with it.  I saw my OCD as a special friend. Something that was never going to leave me.

And I’m told that it never truly does. I can have it under control, but it will always be a part of who I am. And it’s healthy to come to that realization.

Baby steps for me has helped so much. Especially on the area with people.

Nothing entirely bad happened. Which is what I needed to learn through the process.

But jumping in, was like jumping in front of an ongoing train. And given that my personality is more of a doer then a thinker…..The irony of that!

For me, it is easy to do a lot of things… suffering the consequences later. It’s really confusing to have OCD bad thoughts with my personality.

Act now! Think later! And that thinking part later, is what drives me up the wall. Especially of the unexpected has happened. 

Getting back to what my therapist shared with me…

After several years I accomplished my fear of people that were the opposite of me. As well as the fear of germs. For the most part.

Next task would be making my daily household more bearable. I wanted to be able to walk through my house from one room to the next without stopping to fix, or rearrange something. 

It has taken me walking by a messy pantry, or many shoes in disarray, several times…before fixing them, to teach my mind that it’s ok, Alright to see and have things not in order. Baby steps.

Then the next step would be to go to bed and try to sleep the entire night. Knowing that the pantry cans were not facing the right way. Or that everyone’s shoes by the front door were not lined up a certain way.

That took the longest time….

Normally I would get out of bed because I would not be able to fall asleep knowing that there was a mess in the other room. And Oh gosh! Don’t get me started on the sofa cushions. I still need to fix them several times a day. If I didn’t like them so much, I would remove them entirely. But I’m very fond of home Decor. My living space needs to feel a certain way. And I’m okay with that.

After years of taking baby steps, which morphed into giant steps, I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Hence me publically sharing. 🙂

While my preference is still to have the families shoes somewhat neat, and the pantry in some sort of order, it doesn’t trigger me at all anymore. I CAN sleep just fine.

I can also sleep in someone else’s messy house without organizing and cleaning for them. Or trying to fix them and their living space.

It simply doesn’t phase me anymore. Let people enjoy their own kind of caous. 😉

That said, I have yet to master my OCD bad thoughts. And it really does control me. Oh how it does!

I won’t go too deep into this one, as it is somewhat dark, but now my OCD has mainly become strings of different scenarios that rewind, and then play back in my head. Certain things that would probably never happen.

This has been a constant struggle for many years now.
For example…. I will think of a break-in or robbery and I will start to think of every possibility of how it may or may not turn out.

I use to have nightmares of myself handling a break-in or being at a store while it was getting robbed. And all the different ways it may play out.

It happens when I stay at hotels too.

My mind will  start thinking of different things that may have taken place in that particular hotel room. Or hotel.  Sometimes keeping me from falling a sleep.

Likewise while in a car. (As a passenger)

I start thinking about getting into an accident, and not being able to get out of my seatbelt. Maybe it’s jammed and locked.

Or maybe all the doors are jammed and there is no escape! And I die.
Another thing I struggle with, is something bad happening if I don’t XYZ.
Crazy things like, walking over to the air condition vent and opening it and shutting it over and over again…until I feel like its fine.
In my mind, something bad can happen if I don’t open and shut the vent over and over again.
Sometimes it’s something simple like looking at myself in the bathroom mirror.

I stand in the front of the mirror until I feel like everything is fine. Not hours on end.. just for a few moments. I need to ‘feel’ like everything is good and fine.

Sometimes I verbalize to myself that I am safe and fine during this time. And that is all it takes.

Another issue:
Clothes hangers in the laundry room is something  that I was constantly having to put in order. (past tense)

I recently changed all the hangers in the house to the same color.

Otherwise I’d have to constantly take time to stop, and put them in order. Because that would be something that really triggered me. Now they are all the same color and it is gone.

I remember as a teenager taking masking tape and labeling each hanger. One would say black leggings. One would say blue striped shirt. You get the point. The correct garment needed to me on the designated hanger.

I would never feel the need to do that nowadays, but back in the days it was what was needed in order to feel fine and have a good day.
Like many others, I like things around me too look a certain way. Mainly because it makes me ‘feel’ a certain way… and I’m a very ‘feelings’ type of person.

Tissue boxes…

I don’t spend a whole lot on tissues, but they have to be in all the rooms of my house. And the boxes have to be diagonally.

They get moved by the family throughout the week and it is a constant problem that I am  still trying to over come.

But something as silly as a  Kleenex box will and has, kept me awake at night…
It’s so odd because there are a list of things that I do not care about whatsoever. Things that bother a basic person.

I would say normal person, but what is normal…. but a figment of our imaginations.

A few things that I don’t care about, but you may…

1. I don’t have to have my bed made each day.

2. The kitchen floor needs to be swept three times a day by me… but I do not mind if what I sweep up is randomly in a corner all day, or even swept under a throw rug. Yikes! I know.
3. I don’t care if dirty dishes are in the sink. Just as long as they are only put in one side of the sink. Piled high in one sink.. and no dishes in the one next to it. Perfectly fine!

I am very keen on everything being consolidated …and to be honest, I judge people who do not know how to consolidate. It was one of the very first things I taught my kids to do. Even before learning to tie their own shoes.

4. Laundry can be clean and sitting in front of the dryer unfolded for weeks on end. No biggie, just as long as it’s clean and not dirty clothes sitting on the floor.

 I can go on… and talking about it really helps my mind sort through things.. But you get the idea.

OCD is talked about a lot in life. But  it’s mainly only about people that need everything to be clean..

Triggers:

Some more recent triggers that have set off my bad thoughts have been:

1. I got out of the passengers side of our SUV and on the ground was a used needle. It could have been drug related, or perhaps from a diabetic. I will never know, But that image has not left my mind with all the possible questions/scenarios that have been dancing in my head. And that was over a month ago.

2. I was at a thrift store and there was an upside down desk chair that I walked by… underneath it, were several spider cocoons.   When I looked at it, I imagined what type of spiders would crawl out and over take the thrift store if they were punctured. They looked like black widow egg sacs to me, so my mind thought up a pretty intense horror story on how they took over the store, and later the whole town.

3. I have had to stop watching news and YouTube videos about the Hurricane in Texas because I have visuals that I have seen that have been consuming my mind. Sometimes if I draw them they will leave.. but these are too graphic.

 

It’s not fun not being able to control your day to day thoughts. So I have been making the effort to limit what I see.

At least I have that type of control.

 
~Please feel free to comment about your own OCD tendencies. Or if you have a blog post about it, please share the link so I can check it out. 

Feeling loved by a parent

Seems like such an easy thing to feel. Or is it too much to ask for?

Feeling loved by your parents.

I imagine the very first love a baby feels is from his or her mother. Or perhaps who ever baby first longenly gazes at.  I think feeling warm and comforted when a baby cries is the very first time a baby experiences love.

I like to imagine that is where and how a baby first experiences love. Of course I very well could be wrong. It’s just what I imagine.

Should we expect that same love that we  first felt from a parent or guardian as full grown adults?

My personal opinion, is YES!

Being a middle age woman myself, I’m just now realizing the truth about certain lives. Or perhaps ive always known, but am just now accepting this truth. 

Personal experience:

My mother raised me and gave me many materialistic things that all my classmates had growing up. She wasn’t affectionate. Rarely vulnerable, and rarely home. 

While I was at school she was home, and as soon as I got home she left till the wee hours of the morning. I still wonder why she didn’t work while I was at school to be home with me after school. But I guess she really wasn’t ever cut out to be a mother or parent. At least that is what her older sister has shared with me.

But I had all that I needed, and most of my wants. And as a child, that meant something to me.

Yet… I never felt as though she loved me.

I think it’s always been a voided sort of feeling. Looking back on my childhood as an adult now. I know she had/ has no idea how to love anyone. Perhaps not even herself. Sad really.

Being a full time mother myself, I clearly know what a parent/child love feels like. It’s deep, personal, and the greatest feeling ever imaginable. 

My mom did not have all that many men in her life, but when she did… they always, ALWAYS came first. 

She also has always played the victim card on being a single mother with two kids. And how awful that was for her. And she deserves happiness.

Now I can’t relate to that, but I do know that it’s not something you should spend 30+ years shoving down your kids throats. How awful it was. Yet there has rarely been any conversation that has not ended with that phrase.

 I also know that a loving parent should not always make their child feel bad over their childhood, etc. (the poor me syndrome) It’s terribly selfish. 
A parent should be encouraging and excited when their children do well for themselves and are happy. And don’t have to suffer as they had growing up. 

They should not always bring it all back to themselves and guilt trip their children time and time again. That is NOT LOVE. 

Well, this is what many children go through on the daily. I’m certainly no exception. 
I have spent my whole life wondering if something was wrong with me because I felt nothing towards my mother. Always having to fake it. 

I’ve spent years trying to force it. I do believe there was this one time that I cried because she was leaving. She was moving to another state, and I had two small children that were going to be growing up with no grandparent. Looking back now, I know it was more of an attachment thing. Not love. I look back now and know how miserable I would have been, had she not moved to another state.

I’ve spent years going down to visit her each year, but I’ve always come back stressed and agitated. I’ve felt it was my duty as her daughter. So I’ve always tried to cator to her.

But she’s all alone because of her selfishness. It’s always been all about her and what she feels entitled too. And it always ends up with the phrase… “because of all I’ve had to sacrifice being a single mother with two kids”

It has not been an easy decision, but I’ve finally realized that I do not own my mother anything. I do not need to force a relationship with her, in hopes for a couple bread crumbs of genuine love.

Moving right along… 

Yes, I have a father too. I didn’t actually grow up with him 24/7, because my mother had custody and we lived in different states. I did see him though. And he’s always been up front with why he always strayed, sort of speak. 

You see, my father is the polar opposite of my mother. Very affectionate and loving. Some may say, too affectionate. Borderline suffocating. But none the less, overbearingly loving. 

My father never gave me anything though. Well, except my life. But I’m talking about  needs and wants. No child support. 

Mother spent years telling me that he use to threaten her, that if she ever divorced him, then he wouldn’t pay a dime. And he kept that promise. Yes. Messed very up. I know! But then most things are.. such as this earthly life…

That shared.. I have never doubted his love for me. Go figure..

This has confused me this past month. I may write about it again in the future. It helps.

But for now, I do have some closure. 

My eyes have been open. 

Two months ago, I was still in denial. 

And no one can ever place a price tag on closure. 

I’m Done

I’m writing this to partially vent, and partially document my current feelings right now, along with material to reread in the future if I get weak….

   

This week has been part hell and part bliss.

The bliss was spent alone with my daughter, playing tourist with a private chauffeur (ubur)

Yes, I spent $80 in ubur fees this past week, but I don’t drive, and I’m pretty certain that renting a car for a week would have been more, or at least equal.
The hell part of the week was listening to someone complain and belittle me. And not realizing the damage she was doing. A friend told me to stay strong and turn the other cheek. But I just couldn’t keep feeling down right exhausted each time she would speak.

I tried to hold on, but just couldn’t. 
Some of the complaints were,
1. Looks like you put on some weight.

2. What the heck is wrong with you, it’s 90 degrees, how the hell can you be cold. 

3.Do you really need that?

4. Do you know how many calories is in that? A seed bar is all I need in the morning, and that lasts me till dinner, in which I have a salad or bowl of soup. That’s why I don’t ever gain weight.

5. I don’t understand why you like the beach. The sand fleas, sun, people.

6. You have no idea what you are talking about, just wait till you are my age, then we will talk.

7. You are lucky you have a husband. Try being a single mom with two kids and not a lick of help!

8. If you want hot coffee you can’t pour it and go use the bathroom.

9. I’m sorry the air mattress isn’t comfortable but it’s all I have. Try sleeping on one for four years like I had to do once.

10. I’m sure your bed back home is not any more comfortable that what I’m offering you.

11. I hope you don’t mind sleeping with the lights and tv on. Remember, you are a guest.

12. I’m doing more dishes in the past few days then I have had to in the past four years.

13. Don’t bother putting the groceries away, I need them a certain way.

14. It would be nice if I had some help here!

15. Let me show you how the shower curtain works.

16. The towel next to the sink is for you to dry your hands on, NOT the one hanging up. I realize they are the same towels, but it’s how I do things.

17. I don’t have any ants here I don’t know what you are talking about. You must be seeing things.

18. Make sure you scold the cats if they try to eat at the same time.  

19. If you go to the beach make sure you don’t bring anything back inside that was at the beach.

20. Why are you cleaning the seashells in the sink. Those should have been hosed off outside. They stink like the beach!

21.You don’t know what it’s like living on a fixed income, and hopefully will never have too.

22. It cost me $80 last month to get my hair done and now I need to get it done again because it’s fading.

23. You are not actually going to pay an extra dollar for that tomato, right? That’s insane and stupid! Just stupid!

24. So, does your household still eat whenever they want and however they want? Does everyone still eat differently and at different times? I don’t know how anyone can live that way. But I guess I’m old school and we grew up eating all at the same time and all are what was served!

25. Don’t forget to wipe any hair out of the shower and drain, and that goes for your daughter too.

26. Are you really going to let your daughter go outside at this time of night?

27. No, of course I don’t want any of that orange juice, I have diabetes, or have you forgotten? Now pass me one of those pepper mints.

28. If you are going to have a potato you might as well gorge on a cupcake. Your body sees it as one of the same.

29. You have no idea what REAL struggling is!

30. There’s never been a time when I was happy, I didn’t realize that you thought differently.

31. I’m not staying in FL. I’m going to find someone who will let me live with them for the summer in exchange for my company. 

32. I don’t drive in traffic or in the dark. Live with it!

33. I am at the mall to pick you up, but you will have to walk around to the front because I’ve never driven around the back and don’t plan to now. 

34.Why must you get a Starbucks coffee while we are out. That’s simply not needed!

35.Maybe you like the nonsense sitcoms that are on today, but I don’t. 

36. I don’t have the internet and have no desire to learn. Why would I want to waste my time and energy.

37. When I was your age I had tons of energy. Wait till you reach 60.

38. Some people have to work for a living!

39. Make sure you eat up that food that you bought or it’s going straight to the garbage.

40. It’s hard for me to feel sorry for anyone. Karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around.

41. Just remember, you only have ONE mother and regardless of the circumstances, she deserves respect!

42. Today’s kids are still living at home at age 25, and it’s the parents fault for coddling them their whole lives! That, and they seem to feel entitled and scared of the real world. I certainly didn’t raise you that way.

It falls back to the parents, and letting their kids rule the home. I will never understand this screwed up generation. Is she the product of how you raised her?

43. I know you say you just like it, but I simply don’t need makeup to feel good about myself. I don’t! Apparently you do!

44. So tell me again why you feel the need to waste money on a hotel when you can stay here with me?

45. I’m not arguing just because I’m raising my voice. And I’m sorry if you and your daughter think I am. That’s on you, not me. Get over it! Welcome to the real world!

46. Well I’m happy that it works for you but at my age you want someone else to do it. Don’t you think I deserve at least that?

47. You are delusional and don’t know what you are talking about.

48. No. This is the first time I’m hearing this. You are lying if you think you have already told me this.

49. I don’t need a bunch of friends to fulfill me. I also don’t need church. I know my limits and who I am. 

50. You snore, did you know that? You really need to get that checked out.

51.People live in RV’s at my age, not yours! You guys are living in a fantasy world if you think you will be able to do that. But whatever!

52. We’ll tell me about this book. What’s it about and why do you think of like it? You know how picky I am about books. I doubt I will like it.

53. I can’t be around negative people. I can’t! I need uplifting people I need uplifting people in my life. People who want to be around me!

And these are just the ones that keep rewinding and playing in my head because they were said in such an unkind way. 

There were more.  Lots more!

There was not one thing that I said that was not counteracted to bring the focus back to the toxic person. Everything that came from her mouth was negative. EVERYTHING! I kept trying to find one positive thing that I could focus on, but never did. Not one!

I keep asking myself how can one person not realize they are this way. 

How can someone complain this much and truly believe they are in the right, and everyone else is at fault, and put to get them.

But then I kept being silently reminded that it’s not my job to fix anyone or prove anything. I’ve lived my whole life forgiving and forgetting, meanwhile parts of me were dwindling away.

It’s my job to take care of myself. And after suffering years from emotional abuse… I have finally reached my breaking point.

It felt liberating!

It was as if something snapped and I freaked out and yes, my flesh got the best of me for an all of five minutes, but then I just went numb. 

It scared me instantly, but I’m still not entirely sure if that was a normal feeling to have. Perhaps it was.

It’s finally over.  A weight had been lifted. I don’t feel dread and suffocation any more.

I don’t feel as if I need to fix it. In fact, there is nothing left to fix. 

And the best part is, I don’t even owe her an explanation. I have the liberty and freedom to step back from any thing that is tearing me down. 

Amen!

I’m truly done.

Grandma-Make-up

When I was 16, I lived down in Florida with my grandmother for a season.
She was well in her sixties. 

I use to watch and examine her morning routine while living with her.
It first involved, waking at 6am to prepare her cup of Sanka coffee. And then sitting down for her morning devotions. Which was 30 minutes. Fifteen to read. Fifteen to pray.
Then she would turn on her 13″ black and white television and watch Phil Donahue. I think that was the name of the program. 
After that, whether she was going anywhere or not, she would shower, get dressed and apply a bit of makeup. 
Grandma wore Estee Lauder. 

Which I have yet to try. But I want too!
It was one of the few luxury items that she splurged on a couple times a year. 
Or sometimes, she received some from her employer as a Holiday gift. She had later shared with me.
She wore bright pink Estée Lauder lipstick. A pale Estée Lauder foundation. And bit of cream blush. That was it.
One morning while quietly watching her from the sofa, I asked her what the liquid stuff she was putting on her face was?
Oddly, I did not know a whole lot of make-up when I was a teenager. I thought I did. But nothing to what I know now.
In fact, I use to think eye shadow went underneath your eyes. Where concealer goes. 😳
At age sixteen, I wore face powder, eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick. 
Always the same look. 😐

Nude Covergirl face Powder. (The ever popular brown compact that Christie Brinkley made famous.)
Electric blue Maybellie mascara. (Pink tube)

Wet & Wild blue eyeliner. 

And a Maybelline blue and pink eye shadow compact. In the blue  Blooming Colors quad. I think that’s Carol Alt in the ad? 

Oh! And any coral lipstick that was available to me. Basically, stuff my mother or aunt didn’t need anymore. Stuff they passed down to me. 
So I was intrigued over this liquid porcelain stuff that my grandmother was putting all over her face with her hands. (No Beauty blenders or brushes back then.)
That morning I asked grandma what it was, exactly.

She laughed and told me that I didn’t have to worry about what it was, or how to use it…for many years.

And that was the end of that.
Back in those days you simply did not question an adult after they spoke. Especially one you respected. 
After she applied her foundation. (Which I saw in the bathroom later that day and picked it up to see what it was called.)
And no, it did not even accure to me to open it up and try it. Although I think nowadays I would have, and same goes for today’s teens. 

Let’s face it, we are all so curious. 

Years and years passed..
I have been through many a make-up trend. 

I’ve also spent several years not wearing any makeup at all.
However, Currently, I’m loving ALL makeup.

Everything! 
It upsets me that I did not have the options that today’s teens have.
From primers to setting sprays, to pore minimizing creams…
Options are endless!
So today while rummaging through my makeup, Grandma came into my mind. IN NEON!
I looked over my large foundation COLLECTION and I took a moment to remember that very day that I learned what foundation was, and how to apply it.

Grandma never shared how old she was when she first started wearing foundation, but I started wearing it in my mid-thirties.
I love a good BB cream also. As it’s a one step process to hide acne scars, red marks, sun spots, and hyperpigmintation issues.

I love what foundation can do too. 

It makes this girls aging face look like a blank canvas. Well sorta. 😉
As you know, when the face ages, it looses collagen and becomes quiet dry. It dies t matter how many gallons of water I drink.

I can’t wear full coverage, or matifying formulas. I need to stick to dewy, glowy, somewhat sheer finishes…leaving the rest for my daughters to play around with. Makeup should be fun! Nothing to take too serious. I do think too many people see it as a negative thing. But if you have the time to play around with it. It’s fun! Why not?! 😉
~I miss my grandmother so very much. ❤

As a teen, I look back and realize how I simply did not appreciate everything she did for me. Along with our ‘little moments’ that seemed silly at the time…they were memories in the making.

I try to have a lot of memories like these with my own kids, seeing as they do not have grandparents who are active and close by in their lives.
I love you grandma. Thank you for always being there for me and never giving up on me. 
~Until we meet again.. at the pearly gates of Heaven.

Am I going mental, or just getting older?

I hope it’s the latter.

I’ve always heard that when you turn forty, your world is shaken upside down and all around.
That you change. 

Sometimes having a nervous breakdown.

Men and women alike.

Men change careers, have affairs, buy fancy sports cars. Sometimes all of the above.

Ladies have emotional breakdowns,then their health goes down the tubes.

Sometimes remarrying and having more children.

Your appearance changes.
The way you dress, wear your hair, and your hobbies change.
Even your circle of friends may change.

Why? Because YOU change!
I have found what has changed for me, more then anything else has been my mental state. 

For the better too! I feel at ease.  Fearless!
In my 20’s I was all about myself.

In my 30’s I was an emotional basket case.
Not to name call, but I really was. Pregnancy does things to the brain. I swear it does!

I was SO emotional and worried about everything, and everyone.
Who I was, my future, and my children’s lives. Everything!

I was also trying to micromanage all areas of my life. All.the.time. It wasn’t fun.

And looking back nowadays, I’m embarrassed for myself….

Aw well. That’s part of life, I guess.
Now, in my 40’s, I am the best version of me.

Not to toot my own horn, but if the shoe fits. 😉

I have been noticing how laid back I’ve become.  Even my family has noticed. I just don’t worry about, well, anything.

And my OCD has chilled way the heck out.

I have also noticed these past few days, is that I’m not thinking about crap 24/7.
My head is not spinning or foggy anymore.

I wish I could explain it, so you all could share whether or not it has happened to you. Yet.(Providing you are of age) 😉

Ex:

If today is Monday, and I have plans on Thursday to go out to dinner or the movies and a concert. Whatever the case may be…
I use to be thinking non-stop about “said event” until that day arrived.
Much like the anticipation that most people have for the Holidays.

But I have noticed lately that I am truly living each day as it is. Every day!
I’m living one day at a time. 

And I’m so much happier!

I have had a few events happen in my personal life these past few years that may, or may not, attributed to this new me. But I don’t see any of it as regrets, or a negative. Anymore! 😉
That said, I think age has played a huge role in my happiness.
So I’m here to tell you that everything gets better with age.

Like a fine wine. 🍷
Encouragement for today:

Each day, or perhaps week, is nothing more then a chapter in a book. Your book! 

Your life book! And like a book, some chapters are Better then others.

And most books are pretty good! 😉

You Are Good!

Life is Good!

And you are going to get through whatever chapter  you are participating in right now. 

There is no place to go but up! 🙌

Low Iron/Anemic

I’ve always considered myself moderately healthy.
At least for my age.

There are many women my age are on a full arsenal of drugs. Prozac, Paxil, Metformin, Hydrocodone, Zocor, Prinivil, Hydrochlorothiazide, Prevacid, and the alike.
At least all the woman I know personally.
I’ve always tried to treat symptoms with diet. Rather then meds.

Some things have been out of my controltjpugh, such as my hypo-thyroid issues and my ongoing low iron.

I’ve struggled with low iron since age fifteen.

I found out I was anemic, one day while I was out shopping with my mother at K-mart; of all places.

I fainted in the layaway department for no apparent reason, or so I thought.

Little did I know, I was anemic.
~IRON deficiencies~

I feel like everyone has them.
Especially when you have had more then a couple of children.

I’ve had a homeopathic Doctor tell me that low iron is hereditary. But it becomes more severe with each birth.

I have been making a large effort to become proactive. I started taking this industrial liquid iron tonic that has made a world of difference in my energy levels.

I ‘almost’ jump out of bed each morning.
No more zombie mornings!

There is one side effect though: Cystic Acne
It’s time to decide whether I want energy, while looking like some teen girl going through puberty.

Or, have a clear complexion and feel like a zombie, while reaching for coffee throughout the whole the day.

If you are struggling for daily energy, you must try this particular iron. I have tried many, but this one is top notch!