Feeling loved by a parent 

Seems like such an easy thing to feel. Or is it too much to ask for?

Feeling loved by your parents.

I imagine the very first love a baby feels is from his or her mother. Or perhaps who ever baby first longenly gazes at.  I think feeling warm and comforted when a baby cries is the very first time a baby experiences love.

I like to imagine that is where and how a baby first experiences love. Of course I very well could be wrong. It’s just what I imagine.

Should we expect that same love that we  first felt from a parent or guardian as full grown adults?

My personal opinion, is YES!

Being a middle age woman myself, I’m just now realizing the truth about certain lives. Or perhaps ive always known, but am just now accepting this truth. 

Personal experience:

My mother raised me and gave me many materialistic things that all my classmates had growing up. She wasn’t affectionate. Rarely vulnerable, and rarely home. 

While I was at school she was home, and as soon as I got home she left till the wee hours of the morning. I still wonder why she didn’t work while I was at school to be home with me after school. But I guess she really wasn’t ever cut out to be a mother or parent. At least that is what her older sister has shared with me.

But I had all that I needed, and most of my wants. And as a child, that meant something to me.

Yet… I never felt as though she loved me.

I think it’s always been a voided sort of feeling. Looking back on my childhood as an adult now. I know she had/ has no idea how to love anyone. Perhaps not even herself. Sad really.

Being a full time mother myself, I clearly know what a parent/child love feels like. It’s deep, personal, and the greatest feeling ever imaginable. 

My mom did not have all that many men in her life, but when she did… they always, ALWAYS came first. 

She also has always played the victim card on being a single mother with two kids. And how awful that was for her. And she deserves happiness.

Now I can’t relate to that, but I do know that it’s not something you should spend 30+ years shoving down your kids throats. How awful it was. Yet there has rarely been any conversation that has not ended with that phrase.

 I also know that a loving parent should not always make their child feel bad over their childhood, etc. (the poor me syndrome) It’s terribly selfish. 
A parent should be encouraging and excited when their children do well for themselves and are happy. And don’t have to suffer as they had growing up. 

They should not always bring it all back to themselves and guilt trip their children time and time again. That is NOT LOVE. 

Well, this is what many children go through on the daily. I’m certainly no exception. 
I have spent my whole life wondering if something was wrong with me because I felt nothing towards my mother. Always having to fake it. 

I’ve spent years trying to force it. I do believe there was this one time that I cried because she was leaving. She was moving to another state, and I had two small children that were going to be growing up with no grandparent. Looking back now, I know it was more of an attachment thing. Not love. I look back now and know how miserable I would have been, had she not moved to another state.


I’ve spent years going down to visit her each year, but I’ve always come back stressed and agitated. I’ve felt it was my duty as her daughter. So I’ve always tried to cator to her.

But she’s all alone because of her selfishness. It’s always been all about her and what she feels entitled too. And it always ends up with the phrase… “because of all I’ve had to sacrifice being a single mother with two kids”

It has not been an easy decision, but I’ve finally realized that I do not own my mother anything. I do not need to force a relationship with her, in hopes for a couple bread crumbs of genuine love.


Moving right along… 

Yes, I have a father too. I didn’t actually grow up with him 24/7, because my mother had custody and we lived in different states. I did see him though. And he’s always been up front with why he always strayed, sort of speak. 

You see, my father is the polar opposite of my mother. Very affectionate and loving. Some may say, too affectionate. Borderline suffocating. But none the less, overbearingly loving. 

My father never gave me anything though. Well, except my life. But I’m talking about  needs and wants. No child support. 

Mother spent years telling me that he use to threaten her, that if she ever divorced him, then he wouldn’t pay a dime. And he kept that promise. Yes. Messed very up. I know! But then most things are.. such as this earthly life…

That shared.. I have never doubted his love for me. Go figure..


This has confused me this past month. I may write about it again in the future. It helps.

But for now, I do have some closure. 

My eyes have been open. 

Two months ago, I was still in denial. 

And no one can ever place a price tag on closure

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Guilt Mommy buys

Well, since buying that awful bird book for my daughter and scaring get half to death…

I made up for it with these cute Flamingo finds  at Michaels for her.

I also took measurements of the big bird book and now will be on the hunt for cheaper o f hand 14×17 picture frames. I’m not sure if they make them, but will keep a tape measure in my purse from now on. 

I want to frame some of the more normal bird pictures to sell. 

1. Straws

2. Hair ties

3. Playing cards

4. Sleep mask

Parenting and Postpartum Depression

 

 

 

YOUR BABY NEEDS YOU!

 

I always thought that once you gave birth and saw your own flesh and blood gazing up lovingly into your eyes, that something magical  instantly happens.

 

I like to think that this is how it is with most mothers.. However, I realize reality-wise, that there are some mothers who give birth and feel nothing at all. Why?

 

 

Hopefully this phase won’t last forever, but I suppose it could, and that would be very devastating for the mother.

 

There is something called postpartum depression.

 

 I have read skeptics say that Postpartum depression is not real, while others say it is a demon,etc.

 

I am no expert on this matter, but with five children later, and one severe case of postpartum psychosis. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

 

Mine lasted for five months and treatment was needed. It is not something that I really like to talk about in depth, but I know it is real, and want to encourage other mothers that it does happen, and it is completely OK to seek medical help if you ever find yourself with any feelings as those listed below following a birth.

 

1.    Disconnection from your newborn.

2.Feelings of anger or rage.

3.Feelings as if you want to get rid of your newborn.

4.Feelings of suicide, and you don’t know why.

5.Feelings like YOU want to run away and never return.

 

  I have experienced first hand, several of these symptoms, and that was enough for me to seek help ASAP! DON’T WAIT! DON’T LISTEN TO FAMILY, or FRIENDS WHO ARE TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT YOU CAN DO IT ALL AT HOME ALONE! You know how you feel better then anyone else on the planet! Listen to YOURSELF, where this is concerned!

 

 

 

 

My experience with postpartum psychosis was nine years ago,  and with each pregnancy I have had, since then..I have spent many nights praying that I would never have to go through it ever again and I haven’t!

 

 With my last three children, I have had that magical  *in love* feelings for each of them.Praise God!!

 

If you or anyone you know has recently confided in you that they are not feeling quite right since giving birth..PLEASE, be more then a friend too them and urge them to make a doctors appointment or offer to make them one yourself and drive them there for support. It is such an incredible feeling to be able to fall in love with your child at birth..but this is not always the case and that is Ok..just as long as you seek some help..Sometimes the help is nothing more then discussing it with a support group of ladies who have been there themselves…and sometimes medication is needed for a short while. I have found St. Johns Wort which is over the counter to be equivalent minis the side effects to Prozac and Zoloft. Whichever you choose..talk to your doctor first and find a support group in your hometown or even online…You do NOT have to feel disconnected to your newborn or child…The Lord trusts you to care for your little one and love him or her unconditionally and to fulfill all there newborn needs. It will not be too long before they do not need such demanding 24/7 care..it goes by very quickly…You were once a newborn yourself..and someone was caring for your needs just as you are caring for your little ones needs..We seem to forget this sometimes when baby won’t stop crying and you are only going on a couple hours of sleep yourself..

 

If your newborn is crying, and you know that they have a clean diaper on, have been fed, and there is nothing medically wrong with them such as gas or reflux or worse..then they may just need their mom to cuddle them…and there is nothing wrong with that..Yes, maybe timing is the pits, but these times will NOT be forever and just as sometimes you feel sad and upset at certain hours of the night or day and expect your husband to talk with you or even a friend..your baby NEEDS YOU! I can not stress this enough. Babies do NOT cry for no reason..I know many folks will tell you that but this is not true…Babies need Love 24/7..and love nothing more then to feel the warmth of there mothers chest…Don’t deny your little ones ladies…

 

If anyone ever needs to chat about this with me personally..Please leave me a message and I can email you.