Bye-Bye Frumpy Girl!

I am not sure what it is about the colder weather that always makes me feel so frumpy and grumpy.

Perhaps it is because with the colder weather I am not feeling very cute with layers upon layers of clothing.

Being a plus size woman, big oversized coats and sweaters always make me feel like a beach whale. And I’m not saying that everyone looks or feels like this if they are packing a few extra pounds, but for me… I just feel frumpy. And it really does affect me.

I still have 2x and 3x clothing in my closet that are simply too big. Yet, I keep reaching for them because they are oversized and cozy.

But then I feel so frumpy with shirts hanging off my shoulders revealing my bra straps.. and baggy in the middle, which causes me to question… am I wearing a maternity top?! 🤨

So no more! I’m back in full force at the gym and currently fasting, so I really have no plans of ever needing the larger size clothes anymore, despite me reaching for them constantly.

I know that when I dress more tailored and wear more fitted clothing, I feel my best. I feel motivated, and put together. Not like a middle aged frump!

I still love my yoga pants and livi tees, but I need to get rid of all the 2x abs 3x clothing and only leave my 1x clothing.

I am finding that while I am out sourcing 5x a week now, I am simply not taking care of myself the way I once did. And I’m disappointed in myself.

So that, is yet another New Years Resolution I plan to put into action this week.

When I take some time for myself, it benefits everyone and everything around me.

Advertisements

2018 New Years Resolutions

Diet, Fast, Circuit train

No dairy, sugar month on January

Gallon of water a day in January

Learn one new thing EVERY DAY.

Ex: Are people who live in the desert climates more healthier then the rest of us? 🤔

Spend less time on YouTube

More time playing board games with the kids.

More time outside

Cook more at home

Double my profit on eBay by December 2018

Travel more

I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list. 😉< strong>Anyone else jumping on the New Years Resolutions train this time around? 😁

Oh! I am also living on the edge on this very last day of 2017.

Christmas Gifts 2017

A box from Omaha Steak House:

A snow globe style LED COLOR CHANGING candle:

New Make-Up Palettes:

Jordon Almonds. 😋

Coffee soap, coffee mug, vintage Avon locket. ❤️

New manicure.

A millennial pink Franco Sarto Handbag:

And Christmas Hawaiian Rolls filled with peanut butter-stuffed toast.

And Christmas is never complete without Brie cheese smothered with brown sugar and almonds.

With the new year right around the corner, I’m looking forward to starting my annual new year green smoothie fast with my oldest daughter.

Happy New Years everyone! ❤️

Christmas 2017

It was a very special Christmas Day this year. Not to say that others were not, but there was a different feeling this year that previous years didn’t quite have. I never though that I’d enjoy my kids any more then I could possibly enjoy them, yet, with each year.. my heart grows and more love over flows.

Praising God for his wonder and Love. ❤️

Random pictures in no particular order from this past week.

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/xlPUrIER/img_1885.mov

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/qz2aOd1L/img_1900.mov

Reflection over Mother

This has been the first Christmas that I have had no contact with my mother and I thought that I would have felt a sense of loss.

I was assuming that it would have sparked an emotion of Love or loss, but it has not.

My family had an awesome Christmas morning, and then went see Star-wars in 3–D. It was a very chilled day. We had our celebration feast on Christmas Eve.

We ended our Christmas last night watching old home videos from year 2000. Mainly of the kids.

That said, my mother was in a couple of them, so I was expecting it to hit me. Emotionally.

But the only thing I saw was the way I always had to walk on eggshells and the way she talked to me. I felt nothing.

There was absolutely zero love, hence, no sense of loss.

In one segment we were celebrating my birthday where gave me a jornal and asked me if it was the one I wanted from Barnes & Noble.

I told her that it wasn’t the one that I had previously mentioned to her, but I loved it anyways. And thanked her.

That should have been the end of the conversation, but it was not.

She got defensive and told me that I’d just have to take it back if I didn’t like it.

I then repeated to her again that I liked it.

She then asked me what it was that was different then the one that I asked for.

So I went through a big song and dance explaining that it was a mother’s jornal that you wrote about your kids in. And the one she gave me was one that I wrote about myself in.

I suppose I should have lied, and just thanked her and said yes, that it was the one I wanted.

Maybe that’s what most daughters would have done..

The next thing I opened was a dress she bought me.

It was gray. Quite lovely.

Yet again, after I opened it, she asked me if it was the one I wanted. I told her, yes, but in black.

She then went on saying that gray would look much better on me, and that they didn’t have black anyways, and if I didn’t like it, to take it back.

You see, it’s the getting upset whatever I say and telling me to just take it back if I don’t like it that irks me. Especially in the manner that she did..

Her voice to me was always angry, even seventeen years ago. The same anger she had when I was trying t order myself the tomatoes with breakfast on my last day with her, is the same anger she has always shown to me.

And after watching the home movies last night I realized that she has always talked to me that way.

The only difference is, I’m not putting up with it anymore because it has always made me feel awful. I am all about putting “family first” but if you have family that I’d never uplifting, encouragingly you, and basically makes you feel like you are five years old when you are a full blown adult, that’s where the line should be drawn. Just because they are family? Does not give them a free pass to treat you like crap. No one deserves physical OR mental abuse at any time in their lives.now if you can pray for patience with someone and have what they say to you NOT effect you in way, shape, or form.. then that is different. My husband is the type of person that can just let stuff go in one ear and out the other. He takes nothing personal. Even if it is.

But I’m not like that. Maybe I will have that gift some day, but presently, I do not.

I remember on three different occasions trying to be assertive and stand up for myself, by telling my mother that I don’t want communication between us to always be harsh.

This was also always the advice from other family members, friends, and my husband.

They have always told me to just be assertive and tell my mother, like an adult, that I will not have her talk to me in a degrading, condescending way.

Each time I have tried, it never went well, and always left me in tears. Not to mention, regret.

The first time was back in 2005.

She was in my living room yelling at me, for what, I don’t even recall. I think it probably had to do with me letting my kids run through the house. Or, my kids trying to talk to her while she was reading. You see, my kids were always such a bother to her. And I’m coming to realize that my brother and me were also a bother. An inconvenience.

I remember asking her why she was so upset.

She thought that was terribly disrespectful, and so I told her outright that she was being selfish.

The result from that, was her moving out two months later. You see, everything was always her way or the highway.

The next time was when I was down in Florida visiting her,back in 2013.

We were at a national park, in the parking lot, in her car. She started asking me why my kids don’t write to her.

I told her that they don’t know her, and that her coming to visit once a year, yet never really spending any quality time with them… haven’t really established a relationship with them.

That made her very angry, and she started in on herself.. because every conversation always ended up with the whole… “My life has been so hard, and poor me.”

I ended up in tears, and feeling so bad that I stood up for myself and my kids.

Then the last time was this past year in the middle of a thrift store, again, while down in Florida visiting her with my daughter.

She pulled me aside and told me that she has a lot of issues with my daughter and that maybe I should have come visit her by myself, like usual.

We ended up having a huge argument in the middle of the thrift store. It then continued at a restaurant. It was probably the worst feeling I have ever felt in my adult life. It has only been six months, so thinking back on that day, I still feel that “feeling”

THAT day was the final straw, when I realized that I did not want to spend the rest of my adult life being afraid to be myself or talk to her.

A few days leading up to this, my daughter had noticed that I was agreeing with everything she said, each time she talked to me. If she said she didn’t like something, I agreed that I didn’t either. If something made her mad, I acted like it made me mad, if she complained about someone. I sympathized, and agreed that it would have bothered me too. If she asked me how I liked something, I told her I loved it.

I wasn’t even realizing that I was doing this until it was brought to my attention. It made me sad at the time; that I had stooped to that level of communication with her.

But I guess I learned that in order to keep the peace, just agree with everything.

That night I decided in my mind that things need to change, and that if I couldn’t handle being talked down to, and I have already tried to have an adult conversation, to address the issue, then the only other option would be to take a break, and cut off all ties with her.

I thought it would have been a hard thing to do, but if you never had love in the mix, then there really wouldn’t be any empty place in the heart.

And this has been my experience these past six months of having no communication with her.

I don’t feel the sense of loss that I thought I would have. Mainly, because I never received any genuine love from her, well, ever. Even as a child growing up. I guess I assumed she loved me, and she occasionally voiced it to me.. but as an adult, I have felt nothing. Granted, I feel sad that I have had two very absentee parents growing up. And more so, that my children have been robbed of active grandparents.

But I’m not going to whine sad cry the rest of my life over it. I’m capable of showing each one of my kids their potential and worth in life.

Never, will I ever, whine to them that I didn’t have this or that as a kid. And they should feel lucky. Or try to manipulate them to feel sorry for me, etc.

Because it’s not about me.

Raising children needs to be a selfless act.

One out of pure love.

Kids need unconditional love. When they feel your love, everything else will fall into place…

Charlotte, North Carolina

Here are some pictures from our trip.

It was a whole lot of fun.

Much different from where we currently live.

We dined at Ruth & Chris’s steak house. Very good food, but a bit pricey And I don’t like the stuffy atmosphere of upper class type of places. But other then that, it was nice. 😆

Amelia’s Bakery & Coffee House.< strong>Wells Fargo Plaza.Where we stayed-Christmas Concert- We were Center stage in row O. 😃

My favorite treat in the whole world is dipping dots! I live for them..despite their absurd price tag, I just can’t resist. Cheers to Microbiologist, Curt Jones! He’s brilliant! ❤️

We also visited the aviation museum. It was so tranquil, I would have loved to have spent more time there. We used ubur and Lyft the whole week, because city traffic was crazy.More views from Where we stayed-And that was our Final 2017 vacation. ❤️

Love, Lust, Marriage, Honeymoon Phase

Love, Lust,Marriage, Puppy Love, Honeymoon Phase

How was that all on the same line?!

Part 1

I have been thinking about relationships lately.

Mainly, because I was made aware that a former pastor and his wife had divorced and the pastor is already remarried. While the wife is playing the field. Sort of speak.

They were asked to step down from their positions, naturally.

I met the two of them over a decade ago, and from that very first day I couldn’t help but be enamored with them both.

They were about the same age as my husband and I, yet they had these unique playful qualities that I always called, the honeymoon phase. Or puppy love. Something that I’ve never had before. It really sparked my attention at the time.

I remember watching them across the room one day…playfully flirting with each other; as if they were teenagers.

Another lady noticed me watching them, while casually smiling.

She leaned over and said, it’s hard to believe that they have four kids and have been married since their teens…

So they were far from being newlyweds.

Yet, while looking at them.. it seemed like a Hallmark movie come to life.

I only knew them for four years, in which nothing changed. (We moved away after that.)

They seemed like the most perfect couple.

In every way!

And despite everyone telling me that THAT simply doesn’t exist. (The perfect marriage.)

Being a hopeless romantic, I’d like to continue thinking differently..

This couple had a reputation of admiration among all of us married folks…for having it all together. They seemed to have the perfect balance of, well, everything.

So even though they both have moved on and are now happy apart, I’m still somewhat saddened at recalling the memory I still have…

Which is why I’ve decided to write about it.

It feels good remembering them together. So perfect!

And while I didn’t know them all that well, I did see them at church several times a week, and at monthly dinner parties at the monthly, couples dinners.

And yes, I know it is not right to place anyone, or any couple, on a pedestal. I’m just sharing my memories here. ☺️

Part 2<<<
member a good friends husband once telling me, or perhaps warning me… to not think so highly about his wife, because she will let me down eventually. And that we are all imperfect humans, constantly letting one another down. I remember how depressing that sounded tone at the time. As I've grown up, I realize how true that statement really is.

As stated, I was never all that close to the pastor and his doe eyed wife, but I had always wondered what their magic antidote was for sustaining a marriage that clearly remained in the honeymoon stage.

Was it because they both worked a lot and so that the time that they did spend together was valued.

That's what I've always thought, up until now.

Part 3<<<
etimes I think about arranged marriages and how they choose to love someone.

Naturally, they do not marry for love. Like most of the population.

I once knew someone who had an arranged marriage. It really fascinated me because that would have never been something I myself, could have ever partook in.

I always enjoyed lengthy conversations with her on the phone telling me how love should be a choice, not a feeling. That the feeling part was called lust.<<<
the choosing to love your spouse, was much like our love for Christ.

It was a beautiful thought..

I remember asking her about sexual relations. Yes, We had a very open conversation one evening. *blush*

Does this mean that love and sex are two separate things, I recall asking her opinions on.

Is this why so many couples cheat, yet still claim to love their spouse, because sex has nothing to do with love. And vise Versa.

And the answer was, from the religious stand point, No.

But for the rest of the population, Yes, that is precisely what it means.

People have sex all the time that are not in love. We all know this.

Then there are people that love each other, but don't have sex. She shared.

It’s an interesting topic, non the less. < em>Conclusion:o even though this former couple are both very happy with their new lives I will always remember the fire in their eyes when they looked at one another.

Because In my personal opinion, it was, and is the definition of a very special kind on love.

OCD BAD THOUGHTS

I’m not sure what has happened that has triggered the dark side of my OCD, but something has tripped it, and out of the blue…BAM!

Maybe it’s from some of the mental health YouTube videos that I’ve been watching lately, or simply because I’ve been keeping up with the news again..

But my OCD bad thoughts, has been really bad today, so I’m turning in early to keep my brain from over thinking.

I’ve been studying sleep paralysis more lately, and how when you sleep, you actually become legit, paralyzed in many ways.

This controls your body from hurting itself while dreaming, and acting out our dreams, along with controlling our bladders. Very fascinating to me!

I’d much rather have my mind focus on things that interest me, then horrible sceneries that would never actually happen, but in my mind; insists on playing them out.

Or questioning them…

Then to make matters worst, I need to satisfy my curiosity and Google the odds. Or, figure out if, and when it’s ever happened.

Oh to be normal.

But then again, what is normal?

And is being normal, actually normal?!

December part 1

Fall, in general, is always the busiest time of year for me. It starts off with three birthdays in October, and then carries onto another three in November. Throw in Halloween and Thanksgiving, Black Friday ….and then December is here.

My wedding anniversary is this month.

99% of my shopping has been done.

Children’s activities are in full swing, and the little down time at home that we have is spent on baking, decorating, and Christmas movies.

I’m not complaining, in fact, I love it. So much!

I can’t imagine a life without family things.

My kids are a huge part of my life.

I thought as they got older, it would start to feel somewhat empty. But I’m quickly realizing that it’s even more fulfilling.

I love being a mother so much!

I have never been able to relate to other mothers who complain about their kids, or look forward to having them in school, and not at home.

Of course this is the only life I’ve ever known. And my kids are extremely well behaved, and genuinely enjoy spending time with each other.

I suppose if there was arguing and fighting all day, I’d feel very different about family life.

I think we want to give our children the life we never had. And for me, it was two very absentee parents. So for my family life, stability and focus, has always been my number one priority. It’s important to me, for my kids to have the stability and unconditional love that I never had growing up.

And that’s all I’m going to share on that.

I need to get up out of bed and get motivated. I see that my daughter has left me a cup of tea next to my bed before she left for class this morning. ❤️

I’ve been laying here since 6am thinking about this coming week.

We leave in a few days for a mini vacation.

My husband surprised me with K-Love Christmas concert tickets, and I’m very excited. He’s very introverted and doesn’t like crowds, so this really was a true act of LOVE. ❤️

Moving on to some activities in pictures.

Our first snow! It’s been in the 30’s. ❄️🌨

Stunning picture of our American flag that I took in Greensboro, NC the other day.

Cementing head in microwave

So this is just a screenshot from the bizarre trending story from the other day.

But I do encourage you to Google the video or story so that you can question human behavior also.

Just when you think you have seen and heard it all.

But hey, he has now had his fifteen minutes of fame.