November 11, 2019

Two more gifts to buy and I’m done with my Holiday shopping.

It’s been a hectic year but the Lord is turning things around for his glory. As he always does.

•This past week has been a lot of family fun. We started baking and watching Christmas movies together. We see also going through the Under the Dome series with my three teens. They are so in to the storyline.

•We will be heading to the Mall tomorrow to check out what’s new and then find it cheaper online. 😁 It’s just fun to browse.

•My best friend is coming back from Texas at the end of the week. She’s been gone for a month. Then In two weeks, we will be off to Pennsylvania for a Thanksgiving get together with some old friends. We have not been up that way in years and are really looking forward to it.

•The weather here has now dropped to the 20’s. We got some flurries earlier but that is about it.

Time to break out all the winter coats and attire. I bought myself four new sweaters this season and a pair of cashmere gloves. I’m really making an effort to look put together again. I feel as you age, you tend to slack off with whet you wear, and in return, it makes you feel lazy in other areas of your life. Working at home does not require me to get dressed up, do I generally throw on some yoga pants and a tee. No shoes or makeup. I’m trying to find a balance.

•I have been so much more productive since changing my ADHD medicine. My doctor doubled it completely. It has been a full month now and I have pleasantly surprised. It is hard to believe that one can feel this good.

I was taking one that just took the edge off and made me tired all the time. But after much prayer, I decided to give something else a try and I’m so had that I did.

I remember in third grade a teacher told my mom that I definitely had ADD, but my mom disagreed, and that was the end of that.

That said, I’m glad that I was not put on this medication at such a young age.

I think that is when the body has more side effects. Not to mention that a child’s brain is still developing and then adding a medication that messes with the brain…

So I’m happy to have made the decision myself as I’m adult.

What else?

That is basically my life update for this week.

Everything happens for a reason, and I’m trying to focus on the bigger picture to see what the Lord has planned next.

A Day in my Life

With Thanksgiving now approaching us I have decided to start focusing on all of my daily blessings.

My daily routines, that are seen to many people as mundane, are very much blessings in my life. As we age we care less and less about how others view us. I remember my friend Carnie telling me this back in 2003. Of course my young inexperienced self could not imagine this ever being true, but Praise the Lord that it is.

Below are two verses that have been close to my heart.

Psalm 5:3

“In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”

I don’t generally wake up and kiss the morning dew, sort of speak, as I’m not a morning person. After all, it was noon when Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well. Not the crack of dawn. 😉

I do cherish my nights though.

Being a ”feeler type” (Empath) of person, there are certain feelings that attach themselves to almost everything I do.

So much so, if I’m having a bad day and wearing a red sweater during that day, the red sweater become associated with the bad feelings of the day.

This means that the sweater will either get thrown to the back of the closet for a season or get sold on one of the selling platforms I use for work. Thankfully there are more good days then bad.

Getting back to my basic day….

By the time I climb into bed my mind feels very content and my heart fills with much love on most nights. I feel a mental sense of peace. A peace that I would never be able to achieve without God in my life.

John 14:27 ”Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled.”

I have become very happy with the nightly process I go through to get ready to go to bed each and every night.

Yes, I have many steps that have become my own solid routine. One in which brings me much JOY!

After dinner, I spend quality time with my kids.

I’m currently going through a couple of series with them.

Full House and Family Ties, along with the occasional Gilligans Island. Sometimes we play Scrabble or RummiK. I leave it to you them to choose.

After a couple hours they go off to bed.

Then my oldest and I shop talk and share our Poshmark closets, and watch Either, The Love Boat or Golden Girls.

Yes! Lots of entertainment. But I have found it to lead to many of good conversations with the kids.

My husband goes to bed early because he takes do early, so we have quality time when he gets home from work.

Sometimes we all go for dinner, othertimes the movies, over to a friend’s house or out for a hike, or like today, we all went swimming together.

Around 11pm I start my nighttime routine that I look forward to each night.

Night Routine:

I close all the curtains and drapes in the house. I make sure the doors and windows are locked.

I give the kitchen counters one last wipe down.

I check the stove to make sure it’s off and wiped down.

I peek in the laundry room to see if there are any clothes that need to be transferred.

I pour myself a glass of water and prepare a tea.

I take the water and tea and place it next to my bed table.

I take a few sips of the tea, and then save the rest for the morning.

I don’t care that it gets cold.

I place my thyroid medicine next to the water, because at some point when I wake in the middle of the night from a dream, or to use the restroom that is when I take the thyroid medicine.

This medicine needs to be taken on a completely empty stomach and you can’t eat for a couple hours afterward.

So in the middle of the night is what works.

I then head to my bathroom and take down my hair and brush it.

I remove my makeup if I’m wearing any.

I wash my face with Dr. Bronners or Soap & Glory face cleanser.

Then I use a face mask of some kind.

Currently, it’s one by Kate Somerville.

Last week it was Glam Glow.

I change them up on the weekly.

Then I use a toner my face and put eye cream and vitamin C serum on it. Currently it’s all by the brand Sunday Riley.

I then use a lip scrub made by Sara Happ. Nothing else compares.

And lastly, a healthy dose of Sara Happ lip slip lip balm.

After that, I change into my nightgown and spritz myself with rose water, which makes me feel cozy and fresh after a long day.

By this point it is generally midnight.

I climb into bed and fluff my two pillows, after deciding which two to use that night.

We have eight bed pillows on our King size bed.

All different levels of firmness to softness.

Having so many pillows is also a blessing to me. They add to the nightly experience. My kids also have many on their beds. My youngest has said that she feels extra cozy with do many too. 🥰

I then decide which comforter I want to use that night.

Yes! Another blessing.

My husband is fussy with blankets and uses the same one each night. But have three.

One is a lightweight cotton quilt, one is a heavier afgan, and one is one of those weighted blankets that weighs 15lbs.

I like the variety.

After deciding, I feel a sense of ultimate comfort and settle in for the night.

I try to not wake hubby so I leave the light off during all of this.

I then settle in with my headphones and watch a couple educational YouTube videos while rolling my eyes over which videos are trending. Why I ask? Why?

This weeks trending videos have been about a guy who planted 20k trees in mind craft. Apparently, it was a spoof of another video of a guy who actually planted 20k trees.

Then we had someones baby shower video trending, a couple K-pop music Videos, and some life mistakes videos that were trending.

I rarely watch the trending videos. I just read the titles after catching up on the videos that I subscribe too.

After this, I put my phone to charge for the night and pray specifically for my family and friends.

I also use this time to talk to God.

God speaks to us in a whisper but is clearer when we are suffering and going through trials it seems.

I ask the Lord questions and then remain quiet to hear answers.

During this one on one God, I sometimes have visions but not every night. I then pray over the visions.

I generally fall asleep sometime between 1am-2am.

Yes, I started this blog backward, but that is okay. My ADHD always has my mind starting at the end and working my way back.

I generally start my day at 8 am.

My kids are much older now, so they are capable of getting themselves up and starting their day without my help.

When I wake up..I start my morning prayers. I also turn on my sunlight that was prescribed by my sleep specialist.

Then I use a electronic back massager that resembles a power drill but works amazingly on my sciatica.

I finish my tea and water that was placed by my bedside the previous evening.

I use a jade roller on my lymph nodes and face while in bed. I’m not actually sure if this does anything beneficial but it’s relaxing and it feels good do why not. Then I check my nightly sales, answer emails/texts and scan Twitter. I also get random strangers messaging me on my selling platform asking me how to start up.

Many people would not bother answering and just ignore, but I take the time to help. Over the Summer I actually led one of the women that messaged me to Christ. We talked for over a month, as she was ill, and eventually passed away. I’m blessed to have had the opportunity to have talked to her.

Okay, so I do lay in bed for almost an hour, before heading to the bathroom to shower, shave, and brush my teeth.

I keep a tiny refrigerator in my bathroom, as shown below. This homes my digestion/probiotic shots, Along with some kale and lemon-ginger juice. I choose one each morning!

I always have praise & worship music on during this morning bathroom routine. Sometimes I use Spotify.

Other times I play from my churches website, or just through the Klove APP.

After my shower, I self-tan if I feel the need too, and put my Retin-A, Tumeric oil, Vitamin C oil, and a bit of makeup on for the day.

For some women, so many little tasks seem meaningless, or maybe tedious to do on the daily, but for me it is self-care. Something I enjoy.

As well as a blessing to have the time to do all these tasks each day.

It was not always this way though.

When my kids were younger I was lucky to get a daily shower and shave.

But taking these steps and making them into my own self-care routine has made them into something I look forward to doing each and every day.

After the above, I go choose my outfit according to what I think I may be doing that day. If its out sourcing, I go for yoga pants and a graphic Tee and sneakers.

If I’m going to be home, it’s yoga pants and a blouse.

After that I head out to start my morning.

I check on the kids, who do Computer School.

I then sweep the kitchen floor and tidy up the kitchen.

I start wash if need be, and open up all the curtains.

Sometimes I’ll step outside and breath in the country air.

I then make sure the cats have food and water.

Then I either eat breakfast, or pull my nightly sales.

Presently, I sell about 5-10 things a day.

I sell on three different platforms.

If I pull my sales first, I put them on the table to wrap later, and then eat breakfast.

Breakfast is either eggs & toast, Apple oatmeal, Plain Greek Yogurt with raspberries and honey, Avacado & Tomato Toast, or a protein shake.

Whichever I feel like each morning. Again, a blessing to have so many options.

After breakfast my oldest daughter and I exchange any work related videos or news reports that we have come across since last speaking.

Then we decide who will work first.

Work involves washing, drying and steaming all the clothing items we resell. We also use at-home dry cleaning kits for all the coats and wool items.

It also involves polishing handbags, shoes and boots with mink oil.

Basically, giving old things that most would consider no good, and toss out, a brand new life!

It is the ultimate recycling business that keeps thousands of things off our landfill each year. Another Blessing!

I just checked my bookkeeping. I have sold just over two thousand things this past year!

And my daughter sells more then I do. That is a lot of recycling!

I generally let her work first.

We have one room that is set up with a professional backdrop and photo lights. It’s a tight squeeze, but it works and I’m blessed to have it.

We also both have mannequins that we use.

We also have started selling hardwoods these past few months, so use a card table with a backdrop to take our pictures on.

Hard goods consist of Fine china, silver, coffee cups, picture frames, etc.

Three of us cook now, so who’s ever turn it is to cook a hot meal that day starts around 1 or 2.

If the kids finish school before DH comes home, we do reading together and talk about life.

Today we read a few chapters of Moby Dick and talked about why the world keeps trying to emasculate women and feminize men.

Also, why feminists are not really about women‘s rights but seem to shame us women who really want and desire to be a stay at home wife or full-time mother. Or even choose to work at home. Why must we be shamed?

I really dislike all the division.

The kids have daily time to play on their Xbox while I journal or blog.

While doing so, I count my blessing once more.

How much of a blessed life that the Lord has given me, and how at times I have been blinded to his blessings whilenoff doing my own thing, leaving my eyes glued shut..

All because of selfishness.

Praise God that as we grow more to his likeness, our selfish tendencies start to melt away. At least this is how I’ve been experiencing it all.

Thinking about these times makes me feel grateful.

And knowing this sort of peace is rewarding.

When my life is enlined with Gods Will, there is a remarkable Thanksgiving that shines.

Darkness and Light will never be able to coexist.

And lately, when I feel hurt or sad the Lord himself lifts me off the ground and helps me to stand again. Brushing me off and renewing my spirit.

And each time this has happened to me I feel stronger and stronger. I feel as though I’ve really become intuned with the actual feeling that is attached to each episode.

Another wondering Blessing!

James 4:8 has always resonated with me.

You will deney me 3x

When my daughter was born I suffered from post pardtum depression. So much so, that I had to stop breastfeeding in order to take Zoloft while undergoing therapy.

Immediately after my daughter was born, my new daughter just never seemed to be comforted by anything, not even by me. After an easy and effortless pregnancy two years prior I felt like a failure the second time around because my new baby just seemed so different and would not connect with me.

Maybe she sensed my sadness and stress, but whose to know for sure. I felt heartbroken that my new baby was not accepting my love for her. She just always seemed to be zoned out and distant.

After weeks on meds, and trying to always comfort my new baby, nothing got any better.

One day while I was standing in our kitchen holding this tiny bundle of joy, who was wailing her tiny self out… I looked down and kissed her tiny forehead, then began to pray over her.

Dh walked in and saw me crying and asked if I was okay. I said no, I was not okay.

I told him that this little baby was going to break our hearts when she got older.

As soon as the words came out of my mouth I thought about Mathew 26:34.

As soon as my mind went to this verse, I prayed it away and asked God why that verse came into my head at such a trying time for us.

I then became filled with the ultimate mom guilt over thinking it, and that my new baby who I loved with all my heart would ever do me/us wrong, or worst, hate our very core.

During the first five years of my daughters life, we almost lost her twice.

The first time was at five months after getting her MMR vaccine. Within 24 hours she was hospitalized. I remember how frail she looked being hooked up to the breathing machines. I honestly thought the Lord was calling her home. The pain was unbearable.

But she was a fighter and came back stronger then ever!

The second time was when she was five years old. She was having some unexplained issues which led us to many doctors. No one could explain her tummy issues, headaches, and ongoing fevers which eventually led her to full-blown pneumonia.

She seemed to be sick for weeks and weeks on end. And when she got somewhat better, she came down with an awful cough that last several years. She saw numerous doctors and no one could figure it out. They treated her with different types of cough syrups and antibiotics for these years.

If that was not enough, she then came down with juvenile arthritis at age 8,and had to get weekly shots.

To this day, I swear this was all due to that vaccination that damaged her immune system at such a young age.

Currently, she is now an adult and has chosen to walk a different road with her life.

Fast Forward: I have five children.

Who’s my prodigal son? This very daughter.

This year the very unthinkable happened.

This child contacted the state and made false claims against her family.

We have not seen, nor spoken to this child, by her own doings for more then a year.

Last Mother’s Day (2018) I had a dream about this very child. It aligned with the above verse.

And again, I prayed against it.

Several weeks after this dream, the first denial took place.

This past year the second incident happened, and then just last month, the third.

Without sharing the details, as the Lord knows…

When you think it can’t get any worst, believe me, it can and does.

I feel so very heartbroken right know.

I suggested family counseling a long time ago but our daughter is close-minded to it. She has blocked us from her life.

In case you have not realized by now, Today’s world is as easy as a block. Satan has made it that simple.

There is no loyalty or love in today’s families it seems. Everything and everyone is disposable. Even family.

Regarding these awful things that has taken place in my family and daughters life, I feel like this is either a case of brainwashing, a generational curse, a curse brought on by a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or maybe even a mental disorder. None in which I want to admit or give thought too.

I recently got confirmation that I was too easy of a parent and I’m now seeing the outcome of trying to be more of a friend, then a parent.

That there was not enough balance.

I was warned by a pastor thirteen years ago that I was much too easy of a parent and would be paying the consequences in later life.

I was also warned by many parents who saw something in my daughter that I simply did not see. I was blinded out of my love for her. I never once saw what everyone else saw. Why would I? I love my children with my whole heart and only want the best for them.

Fast forward once more:

I have now been triple smacked in the face with reality.

The reality of seeing what everyone else saw, for once.

How could I have been so blinded? I feel like such a failure right now. I’ve never experienced this much heartbreak in my entire life.

That said, I know the Lord will help my family through this trial. He has never abandoned me. I know in my heart that his will will be, and that this is not about me, even though the arrow that has been thrown feels so.

This is about character growth for my daughter. Multiple Things that she needs to get through and overcome.

Our family can use some serious prayer right now.

Behind the Scenes

I’m feeling so torn over something that happened at Church last Sunday.

I’m not sure why it’s bothering me so much. I’ve been trying to pray it away, but I’m still torn.

Sunday-

During baptism I was standing at the alter with a bunch of others. Prayer and worship was happening and songs we’re being belted out.

In the mist of worship, the assistant pastor passed along the side of where I was standing.

He was tring to motion to his wife, who was doing the baptizing that morning.

The motioning of his hands to his wife broke my attention to the band that was singing on the stage.

He told his wife to ”HURRY IT UP”

I read his lips.

Then his wife said, ”I’m trying”

I am sure I’m not the only one who noticed. Or perhaps I was the only one who was bothered by it. 😔

I generally never stand up by the alter, but the past few times that I have, I have noticed how everything is never random, like I have thought all these years.

It feels very orchestrated and planned out. Right down to each song and things people on stage share at particular times to get people to let go, feel, etc.

An example of this would be a sadder song being sung and then a louder upbeat song sung.

Once some of the people start shouting or verbally praising out loud, that is when someone on the stage says that God has now entered the room and is asking for everyone to let go and praise the Lord louder and not hold back.

Again, I’m not NOT happy with our church. I’m getting fed.

But ever since I’ve sat in the front it’s been hard not to notice these things. The things that the majority of folks are not witnessing/seeing.

Lots of hand motions to everyone on the stage. Sometimes motioning to say another line to a song. (I have noticed this when the congregation starts to get extra loud)

And by repeating a song line or two, it seems to get more of a reaction by the members.

I never noticed any of these things sitting farther back.. I am now upset that I’ve witnessed so much.

This has me wondering if the families whom I was once close too, but have now left the church, noticed these things also, and then could not remain blinded.

It now feels like at the weekly church meetings, all this is planned out ahead of time.

Like someone starts the meeting with, ”What should we do this Sunday?” ”How should we make people feel?” ”Whats going to be beneficial for us?”

And that is just speculation of course.

And if that’s not enough, they brought back our senior pastor this past Sunday, who is currently on an overdue personal leave until mid October.

He came back this past Sunday, only to get up on stage and tell the congragation that offerings have been down by almost half, since he’s been on personal leave, and that he needs people to give a couple hundred more that day.

Then thanked everyone. And left! 😳

Again, everyone loves the senior pastor, so coming from him instead of one of the other pastors, would possibly move the people to give more.

I don’t think he felt good about it, but since he is employed by the church, it was most likely asked by the higher-ups to come back to say this.

Has anyone else ever experienced any of these things? Advice?

I’m not naive, I know every church has it’s politics, etc.

But that said,

How do people that work for the church turn a blind eye to the manipulation parts?

Which Bible would have Christopher Columbus read?

If Christopher Columbus was born in the 14th century and may have heard or read this Bible verse before his journey, which translation would it have been?

Isiah 40:22-

It is He who sits above the circle of the earth, And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers, Who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, And spreads them out like a tent to dwell in.

The Geneva Bible was fifty-one year’s before the King Janes 1611.

And before the Geneva Bible it would have been manuscripts from Johannes Gutenberg, I assume. 🤔

Things I gave learned in my 40’s

Things I gave learned in my 40’s:

1. Knee/sciatica pain is a real thing.

2.The handicap bathrooms railings are there for a reason.

3.Urinary incontinence caused by back pain is an actually thing.

4.Chiropractors help reset your well being in a way where modern doctors can not.

5. Maintenance requires surgeries and you don’t need to suffer.

6. Monthly Mani and Pedis and self-care are game changers to how you mentally feel at times.

7. Drink and eat things you don’t like, simply because they are good for you.

8. Learn to have a filter, if you don’t want your words taken the wrong way.

9. Let people be who they are, but remove yourself from them if it changes who you are.

10. Busyness is inevitable if you want to have a productive life.

11. Be still and let things happen, because things always have a way of working out.

12. I’m more confident now then I have ever been in my life, and it feels Amazing!

13, Jesus has never failed me is my rock & salvation.

Homosexuals & Transexuals

~Keeping professional in your Business~Several years ago I remember a news story about a bakery not wanting to serve a homosexual couple a wedding cake.Then there was another story of a woman who would not issue a marriage license to a gay couple. At that time in my life I was torn with it, and to be honest; up until today, I still was.I didn’t grow up in a religious household, but in later life fell into the religious trap. And when I say trap, I’m not bashing religion by any means. What I am saying is that during the time when my circle of friends were very “Pharisee-like” so was I. I just read last week that you become like the five people you mostly talk with. 🤔I had a circle of thirty or so people who were very strict and religious. They liked to refer to one another as accountability partners. Not friends! So I went from spending the first part of my life being very worldly. And then I spent the second part of my life as very judgy, to now, finding a healthy balance with people. Including myself. Fifteen years ago I was at a church where a eighty year old woman told me to never forget to… “Love them anyways.” We are called to show love. Not choose WHO deserves our love. Because we ALL do. We need to be genuine on showing this love.I had only been saved five or so years during the time this church lady shared. What she called, her LIFE MOTTO, so at the time I didn’t know what she meant, exactly. Having went the complete opposite direction for a period, I felt horrible inside. That said,I felt somehow, that God loved me a bit more then everyone else because I isolated myself against any Ungodly people. I did not understand why I felt so awful when I was earning Gods favor in the only way that I knew how. I started thinking very, for lack of better wording.. Amish. Old school Amish! To give a picture of my mind at the time..It was a very lonely journey. Romans 3:10 says:As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one. I’m not sure why I felt better then anyone else, but I suppose that is what religion can do to you.During that period of my life I met another woman who seemed to be the complete opposite of me. She loved everyone! She extended so much love to everyone and everything, that it use to make me upset inside.Yes, Upset?! 😳She would tell me that Jesus loved everyone equally. Love the sinner, hate the sin. We are all pretty familiar with that phrase.Yet at the time, I didn’t really know how that fit into my life with God. What I do know now, is that hate and discord only multiplies. And it causes so much division in this world. 😔I’m realizing that I CAN love everyone and not change the world one bit. But I CAN have everyone who crosses my path leave me a bit happier then what they were, before we crossed paths. So while it’s impossible for one person to change the worlds ways…I can make a small difference.Whether a smile or hello, or even a ten minute conversation with a stranger who is going through a hard time, and needing someone to vent to, or hear his/her story…Or like today, a transgender person.Last week I had a man reach out to me and ask for help. He told me he was currently transitioning into becoming a woman, and liked a lot of the things I was reselling online. He wanted to know if he sent me his new measurements, would I help him shop my store. My first initial thought was no, this makes me uncomfortable. So I just ignored the request. After all, I’m a Christian, and I feel like men should remain men, and women should remain women. And while I do truly believe this, it should not affect me helping someone who is asking for my help. Currently we have a Chaplain in our Sunday school class that says when he is working at the hospital he will pray and bring bibles to everyone who asks. Fine. But this also includes Muslim patients who are ill and ask him for their holy book, the Koran. On occasion, he gets asked why he brings the Koran to the Muslims. And he reply’s that here in America, we have Freedom of Religion. And had he been ill in another country, and at the mercy of the hospital staff and asked for the Bible, he would like to have it brought to him. Most likely it would not be given to him per request, but here in America we have Religious Freedom, and he would never let his personal/religious views reflect his Job and professionalism. He has also shared that he’s had Muslims at the hospital ask him about Jesus, due to his genuine love he’s extended to them. Getting back to my recent encounter…It took this Transgender man three to times reaching out to me. And it shouldn’t have. I’m currently disappointed in myself. So tonight I extended Love regardless. I remained professional and helped clothe this transsexual man. I explained to him how ladies sizing runs, and told him about different fabrics. He seemed very grateful, and told me that he’s not use to women being so helpful and nice. And placed an order with me. It was really all very simple. 🙂If anyone has a similar story, please feel free to share. I’m going to be replying back to all comments next week, as time allows.

Getting older/Change

When I was in my mid-30’s I was so excited to see the world ever changing, but now being in my mid 40’s, it’s somehow depressing me.

Maybe it’s change. We are humans of habit, and having a world that is ever changing is oftentimes hard to keep up with. I use to love technology, and now I sometimes wish it didn’t exist. I have wasted so much time online that I want all that time back! But it’s too late.

Looking back to my life five years ago, change didn’t bother me at all. But now I’m realizing that it is effecting my day to day living.

I’m feeling as If I don’t know where to go from here. Like I want to stop time.

So my only guess, is that I’m getting older and coming to the conclusion that everyone has been through this at one point and time. Or will!

Life also seems to be going by much quicker then it did just five years ago.

My body is not what it was, nor my mind, and how I saw the world and people. There is so much hurt in the world that we don’t always think about. Frankly, it’s depressing to think so much on. Yet it’s hard to ignore because everything is in your face.

I sometimes wonder if this is how our grandparents felt when the television became a household add-on.

Before that you received the daily newspaper and either read it or not. Then televisions bombarded the homes with local and world news.

And now, it’s the internet.

Even if you use it sparely, you can never escape the ADS. And if you don’t choose to read what’s happening on the day to day, you have people telling you about it, or overhearing it in passing. Every single thing focuses around the Internet.

So yes, if it sounds like I’m depressed, I am.

It’s so hard to not compare myself with others my age who are still full of energy and zest; living for the moment. Welcoming change.

How I wish I had that mind frame back. Because for many years that is how I lived my life.

But life is not all fun and games and change is inevitable. More then often, hurtful.

I am struggling to find the balance.

I have so much planned for this year still. Things that have been already been paid for. Things have been ordered, and life is already written on the calendar and for the most part, planned out.

I’m told that THAT helps to not fall into depression. Organizing. Planning.

Even so, I feel as if I’m just going through the motions..

I Gave You A Mother

I am the mother I always dreamt of having myself.

I gave you my TIME.

My mother was rarely around.

I home cooked all your breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and all of your Birthday cakes from scratch.

My mother served me TV dinners.

I taught you how to cook.

My mother did not cook.

I played hours upon hours of games with you.

We talked. We laughed. We played some more.

I have no memories of playing any games with my mother.

I read many books to you that led to so many deep discussions about life and love.

I have no memory of my mother ever reading to me. Not even a bedtime story.

I taught you to read and write. I made the choice to homeschool you.

I was schooled at many different schools that left me with zero positivity on public education and self worth. Not to mention the social aspect of always being the new kid that didn’t fit in, which in return, warped my views on many friendships.

I gave you security and a stable home, family, and lifestyle honey.

I moved every year, oftentimes twice a year, up until you were born.

I dreamt on what it would feel like spending most of my childhood in one town and home. The security of knowing what to expect with each passing day.

I gave you that feeling that I wish I could have had, and experienced.

I gave you all your needs and most of your wants.

I gave you a Full Time Mother and a Full Time Father.

I gave you FOUR siblings and FOUR friends.

I grew up very alone.

And while all that is important to me, what’s even more important to me, is, I taught you about Christ.

I taught you about Gods Love for his children.

I taught you who the creator of this universe is.

I taught you that God loves you no matter what.

And how scripture IS your medicine during life’s ups and downs.

I taught you, and showed you, how much the Lord Loves you.

I grew up with no foundation of this. I wish I would have turned to God during all my loneliness, and all my heartbreaks.

So while I sit here and think about where I could have given you more, I’m coming up empty.

I gave you EVERYTHING that I always wished I would have had.

A Full Time Mother.

A Loving Mother.

A Mother who would make you feel special. Who would make you laugh beyond measure.

A Mother who wanted to be around you and spend quality time with you.

A Mother who would never see you as a burden.

A mistake.

An inconvenience.

A Mother who you trusted, and one that you knew Loved you no matter what.

A Mother who cared about YOU more then herself.

A Mother who would lay down her life for you.

A Mother who loves the Lord with all her Heart and Soul.

I Love You dear daughter of mine. I Love you SO much!

If I could have given you even more, you have to know that I would have.

But I gave you all that I had to give sweetheart.

I gave you a Full Time Mother.

I wish it would have been enough…

2018 New Years Resolutions

Diet, Fast, Circuit train

No dairy, sugar month on January

Gallon of water a day in January

Learn one new thing EVERY DAY.

Ex: Are people who live in the desert climates more healthier then the rest of us? 🤔

Spend less time on YouTube

More time playing board games with the kids.

More time outside

Cook more at home

Double my profit on eBay by December 2018

Travel more

I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list. 😉< strong>Anyone else jumping on the New Years Resolutions train this time around? 😁

Oh! I am also living on the edge on this very last day of 2017.