Feeling loved by a parent

Seems like such an easy thing to feel. Or is it too much to ask for?

Feeling loved by your parents.

I imagine the very first love a baby feels is from his or her mother. Or perhaps who ever baby first longenly gazes at.  I think feeling warm and comforted when a baby cries is the very first time a baby experiences love.

I like to imagine that is where and how a baby first experiences love. Of course I very well could be wrong. It’s just what I imagine.

Should we expect that same love that we  first felt from a parent or guardian as full grown adults?

My personal opinion, is YES!

Being a middle age woman myself, I’m just now realizing the truth about certain lives. Or perhaps ive always known, but am just now accepting this truth. 

Personal experience:

My mother raised me and gave me many materialistic things that all my classmates had growing up. She wasn’t affectionate. Rarely vulnerable, and rarely home. 

While I was at school she was home, and as soon as I got home she left till the wee hours of the morning. I still wonder why she didn’t work while I was at school to be home with me after school. But I guess she really wasn’t ever cut out to be a mother or parent. At least that is what her older sister has shared with me.

But I had all that I needed, and most of my wants. And as a child, that meant something to me.

Yet… I never felt as though she loved me.

I think it’s always been a voided sort of feeling. Looking back on my childhood as an adult now. I know she had/ has no idea how to love anyone. Perhaps not even herself. Sad really.

Being a full time mother myself, I clearly know what a parent/child love feels like. It’s deep, personal, and the greatest feeling ever imaginable. 

My mom did not have all that many men in her life, but when she did… they always, ALWAYS came first. 

She also has always played the victim card on being a single mother with two kids. And how awful that was for her. And she deserves happiness.

Now I can’t relate to that, but I do know that it’s not something you should spend 30+ years shoving down your kids throats. How awful it was. Yet there has rarely been any conversation that has not ended with that phrase.

 I also know that a loving parent should not always make their child feel bad over their childhood, etc. (the poor me syndrome) It’s terribly selfish. 
A parent should be encouraging and excited when their children do well for themselves and are happy. And don’t have to suffer as they had growing up. 

They should not always bring it all back to themselves and guilt trip their children time and time again. That is NOT LOVE. 

Well, this is what many children go through on the daily. I’m certainly no exception. 
I have spent my whole life wondering if something was wrong with me because I felt nothing towards my mother. Always having to fake it. 

I’ve spent years trying to force it. I do believe there was this one time that I cried because she was leaving. She was moving to another state, and I had two small children that were going to be growing up with no grandparent. Looking back now, I know it was more of an attachment thing. Not love. I look back now and know how miserable I would have been, had she not moved to another state.

I’ve spent years going down to visit her each year, but I’ve always come back stressed and agitated. I’ve felt it was my duty as her daughter. So I’ve always tried to cator to her.

But she’s all alone because of her selfishness. It’s always been all about her and what she feels entitled too. And it always ends up with the phrase… “because of all I’ve had to sacrifice being a single mother with two kids”

It has not been an easy decision, but I’ve finally realized that I do not own my mother anything. I do not need to force a relationship with her, in hopes for a couple bread crumbs of genuine love.

Moving right along… 

Yes, I have a father too. I didn’t actually grow up with him 24/7, because my mother had custody and we lived in different states. I did see him though. And he’s always been up front with why he always strayed, sort of speak. 

You see, my father is the polar opposite of my mother. Very affectionate and loving. Some may say, too affectionate. Borderline suffocating. But none the less, overbearingly loving. 

My father never gave me anything though. Well, except my life. But I’m talking about  needs and wants. No child support. 

Mother spent years telling me that he use to threaten her, that if she ever divorced him, then he wouldn’t pay a dime. And he kept that promise. Yes. Messed very up. I know! But then most things are.. such as this earthly life…

That shared.. I have never doubted his love for me. Go figure..

This has confused me this past month. I may write about it again in the future. It helps.

But for now, I do have some closure. 

My eyes have been open. 

Two months ago, I was still in denial. 

And no one can ever place a price tag on closure. 

Fatherly Advice

The scene: 

The father had a tattoo with his birthday across his lower back. September 8,1985. His daughter looked to be around five or six years old.

Worst advice I ever heard from a father to his daughter today at the outside pool:
Father: Lisa! Lisa! COME HERE!
Daughter: Yes Daddy?
Father: Remember, you don’t have to stay playing with your little friend the whole time we are here.

You have the green band because you were fearless, and took the test. She was too Scared!

SO YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TO TO DO!  If you want to go on the logs or down the water slide, don’t worry about leaving her behind. You think of yourself, and what YOU WANT TO DO.

Daughter:: Okay daddy, but I’m having fun playing with my friend…

Father: Okay, but just remember, if you get bored, you just leave her to go do something else.
Daughter: Okay daddy….

And she ran back to play..

Hair Ties/Rings

Ever since I saw these no pull flexible hair rings at Kohl’s, last Black Friday, I wanted them. 

But there was no way I was going to dish out $8 for three pieces of plastic. Come on!

To me, you should be able to get these hair ties for a quarter each, so I just waited it out. 

BTW, You can find them in that little area right before the cash registers. You know, the area that all the stores place over priced items to feed on impulse buyers while standing in a line that resembles a snail race. Yeah! That area.

So for the past six months I’ve been waiting for them to either go on sale, or drop in price. But nope! They have remained the same. They come in your basic hair colors. Black, brown, and a tan blonde shade.
I even picked them up one time to ask the cashier if there was a mistake in the price. 😐

Several months ago while shopping I brought them up to the cashier and asked her if they were really $8?

The cashier was so funny. She gave me a surprised look, as to say, “ain’t no way those are $8!”

Then she told me they are probably $4-$5 dollars. Max. 

She wrung them up and gasped. Then quickly gained her composure and replied, “Oh, I guess you are right ma’am. They are $8.”

After all, she is employed by Kohl’s, she can’t tell me they are not worth it. Or act surprised at the price. Could she?

She asked me if I wanted them. I replied no. And then she whispered that she doesn’t blame me. 
I continued to look for them in other stores. Even Amazon and EBay, but gee wilikers, they were all around the same cost. 😔
So I continued on wanting them…just like those trendy fur slides, (which I did actually find, and purchase last night st the Shoe Depot. More on that in the next blog.) 😃

I’ll be the first to admit, nowadays,  I am the typical basic consumer that wants something that is over-hyped and hard to get a hold of. 

But I’m also stubborn. In the fact that my frugalness will not allow me to pay retail. Ever!

This takes us to last week when I opened my mail box to find a $10 off coupon from Kohl’s. 

I quickly read the fine print to make sure that I didn’t need to shell out $50 to receive the $10 off. Although there was a $50 bottle of parfum I was also eyeing at Kohls…but I know I don’t need another over priced bottle of perfume, when I have more sitting on my dresser then I can ever wear in a life time. 

After reading the fine print I saw that it was one of those…. come to kohls and buy anything for $10 and get the $10 item free. If you are able to only come in and buy one item, then leave.

Like Target, who in their right mind can go to Kohls and only buy one item and leave?

I can!

So I went there and used the coupon for the over priced hair rings. Ya-hoo! 

Then I came home to show my oldest daughter my unique, or so I thought, find. 

You get three hair rings in the cutest cubed package. I handed one over to her to try out first. 

She placed her long hair in a high bun and twisted the hair ring around once. Pleased that it held a tight high bun, she smiled and said that it felt like nothing at all. No pulling or weighing down the head. 

I then tried one out, having to twist it around twice because my hair is shorter and thinner then hers. It felt great! Exactly the way I expected it to feel. And all for free!

Then my daughter examined them and said, “These look like those old 90’s bracelets that she use to wear as a kid.”

It took me a moment to scan all the popular girls bracelets  that have been popular throughout the years… jelly, slap, silly, friendship, pen bracelets…And yes! Those twisty ones! Ugh! 

If I recall right, they still sell all of the above at the dollar tree. *sigh*

After having a moment of anger verses sadness, I kicked those feelings aside and continued to love my free over priced hair rings.

Fast Forward:

Last night while shopping at Walmart with same daughter, she came across the girls 90’s coil bracelets. $1 for a pack of 3! 

Sure, they are bright colors. No neutrals, which is what I tend to stick with, but they had them non the less. They are also made alot better then the over priced hair rings and while they are a bit bigger in size, they still feel like nothing in your hair. 

Yes, of course I bought them …and have already worn one to the pool. The bright pick one, which is why it’s not shown here in the pictures. And the brown original hair ring that I gave yo my daughter is also not shown here. But I wanted to show a side by side comparison.

So there you have it. Do I regret using my coupon on them… not really. I did at first, but I’m very partial to neutrals for daily use. I will also wear the bright colored ones for the gym, lounging pool side, etc…

And I would still never, ever, pay $8 on any hair accessory.. 

60 minutes special

I was watching a segment on 60 minuets the other day with my family. They were having an interview with a man who designed the smartphone, and how it was purposely designed to be an addictive entity. 

Yes, we all know how additive smartphones can be. I was once very addicted to mine, regarding social media. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblur, Pinterest, YouTube, The Hunt… I used them all! The only one I didn’t have, was Instagram. Which I hear is also owned by Face book now. So…

I try to never fully become addictive to anything. And I know the warning signs on when to cut myself off and quit things.

I have an addictive personality to began with. Which is probably why I stayed clear of drugs as a teen. I know I would have got myself addicted and probably OD’d. *sigh*

So back in June of 2015, I went cold turkey from social media. 

A couple weeks prior to cutting myself off from it, I turned all my notifications on my cellphone off.

That, in itself helped ALOT! I highly recommend doing that if you can relate.

By doing that I was able to once again, take control of myself.

Then I started praying that the desire to be connected with people all the time would cease.

I had people all over the world reaching out to me to ‘chat’ Hours on end. Single moms, abusive wives….etc.

And seeing as I get involved,  and invested rather quickly, it was making me go a stir crazy. 

I found myself in constant worry about people whom I have never met before. People in India, Spain, England. 

I would have dreams and nightmares about these people. 

Amd it got to the point that it was just never enough time invested. People wanted to talk all the time, and it was taking me away from my actually family life.

So one day I just cut myself off completely! 

At first it was only going to be for a month. For years I would take a couple months out of each year to fast from social media. I got my Facebook account back in 2007. Before that, I was all about message boards. Which had their place, but were equally addicting.. looking back at them now.

This time was different though. After the first month of social media fasting was over I didn’t have the urge to log back on.

 Then another month went by. I started getting texts from online friends who I had gotten close too. They asked if I was going to return online, and if so, when.

I even had a woman ask my husband for my number so she could call me to just vent. She told him that I was her favorite person to vent too. 

I didn’t even have to think about it after that one…

The answer was clear. No!

 I was not going to log back on. 

Keeping in mind, my number one weakness was facebook. After all, it really conbined everything into one place.

But I was fine. Completely fine! *still shocked*

It has been two years now.

Yes, I do go on Twitter still, but it’s not at all addicting and I don’t have a dozen people always opening chat to talk the day away. As for Facebook, I closed my account with them. And it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I think of all the hours that were wasted. I try not to beat myself up about that, but I do. All those hours that I invested trying to save people. 

I hear that most folks use social media to stay in contact with family… but really, if it’s family, they have your number if they have anything substantial to discuss with you. 

As for me, the few family members that I did have on my social media were no one that I was really close to at all…maybe as a child, but then people grow up, move away, and start their own lives. And that’s not a bad, or sad thing.

  It’s life! It’s perfectly fine! Really.

When I think of my family now… it’s not at all the distant relatives. 

It’s the people who I live with. THEY are my family. I know it may sound mean, but I really don’t consider aunts, uncles, or cousins, relevant to me anymore. I have one sibling that I have not spoken to in several years. I use to try because I thought it was important. But I was just living in the past. Thinking of all the childhood memories instead of living in the present/future. 

 Sure we use to lol on each other’s Facebook posts from time to time, but other then that, we have both chosen different lifestyles and do not share anything in common other then our DNA. And for me, that is simply not enough to warrant a relationship. It’s not.

So getting back to that 60 minutes episode and addictions. 

The employee was discussing how the staff designed the phone to make the user addictive. As well as all social media sites to follow suit.

 In fact, the studies they have done have shown how the brain gets stimulated each time someone likes, follows, or interacts with you.

It also tracks your likes with times of days, and which emojis you use frequently use. It really is designed to…. ummm… F*** with your brain to make you feel a certain way.  More less.

Mind blowing! At least to me it is. 

I know this is the world we live in, and that most folks don’t bat an eye at any of this.. it is what it is.. sort of speak..

But I am in control of how and when I use social media now. I do not wish to have something have that power over me. It’s personal to me.

Now let’s talk about advertisers for a quick minute. 

This is my new annoyance. One in which I hope I have put an end too now,  by always clearing my cookies, browser, and keeping my blue tooth, location, and Siri off. 

Yes, I sometimes use these add-ons. I don’t care about Siri, but I need to need to use locations when I use shop-kick, ubur, or fly. But as soon as I’m done, they go right back off. I also don’t allow things to access my pictures or personal information. This has taken many videos and reads to know how to manage my privacy settings to assist me. I am not saying that I do not think cell phones, or even social media should have never been invented. I realize, both, have their place. What I am saying, is that I want to be able to choose how and when I use them. And if possible, I do not want companies using my personal whereabouts and data to profit themselves without my consent. 
Example: A couple weeks ago while out thrift shopping for eBay, I came across a brand of blue jeans that I have never heard of before. 

 I quickly pulled out my phone and googled the brand. To my surprise, they were worth $200 a pair. So I bought them to resell.

What do you think came next?

The following week I got a catalogue in the mail from that jean brand. Coincidence? I think not. 

Thinking back now, this is not the first time this has happened to me.

I hate how every single move we make is getting tracked. Not that we are doing anything wrong. Well, at least most of us, that is. We are all just living our lives.. but in a very public fashion nowadays. If I was younger, perhaps this wouldn’t phase me. But as I am getting older, I demand to live a more discreet life. And if I want to share an event, I will. But that will be my choice. This is why I’ve never tagged people in pictures while on Facebook. I use to have people tag me in pics, and it would drive me nuts! I find it terribly rude.

I’ve tried to keep myself on the low-down these past couple years. I never give my real email, zip code or phone number to any of the cashiers that ask. And they all ask nowadays, it seems. Can’t I even enjoy my shopping hobby without being harassed?!  Strong words, but I do see it as harassment.

Last year I was shopping and the cashier asked me for my zipcode before proceeding to ring up my order. She caught me at a moment when I was already feeling cranky. As I was standing in a very long line for the past twenty minutes.

When asked, I told her that my zipcode did not matter.  So no, she could not have it.

What happened next?

She claimed that I couldn’t purchase the items then. That she needed a zipcode.

 It really anerved me.I was not going to let it go though. I told her to please get the store manager for me. He came over and asked me why I didn’t want to give the cashier my zipcode. I told him that giving my zipcode was not an option. He then made it look like I was the problem because I wouldn’t give them it. It was so dumb! But I was not going to do it. 

So he ended up telling the cashier to put the towns local zipcode in and proceed. 

I never did go back to that store. And yes, I know how it works, they want my zipcode to track who, and when people from other towns come to their stores. They also want to track what we buy, and how much. That way they can know how much to order, and when. I get it! 

But this should not be mandatory. And by no means should the customer be made to feel belittled for not complying to such a question.

 How did stores manage before? They just did!

Sure, it’s just a silly zipcode, not your blood. But it’s the principle of it. Why can’t a person go into a store and buy something anymore without giving away personal information?

And who knows, some day ot may be blood.

My new goal is to go back to using just cash. It’s not that I don’t want to embrace this worlds changes. I love change, in fact. But it needs to be optional. Do not ask me to comply and give my concent to everything. It’s simply not going to happen.

Rant over.

Revitalizing Microdermabrasion

Brand: HYDROXATONE

Revitalizing Microdermabrasion

Retails for $29 at Ulta.com

Details:

Hydroxatone Revitalizing Microdermabrasion is formulated for all skin types. People desiring youthful, radiant skin will benefit, as well as acne-prone individuals.
Skin exfoliation naturally slows down as we age, so regular, gentle exfoliation is critical to aid in maintaining healthy youthful skin. 

You don’t get very much, maybe enough for four treatments. 

Wet your face and scoop out an ample amount. Massage on face in a circular motion for several minutes.

I just rinsed my face. It immediately looks, and feels softer.

Looks good to me!

I’m very happy with the results. 🙂

New baby!

Well, the next best thing, other then a new baby…;o)~

Very similar in style… to the 2k LV speedy….(which I was gifted years ago before I knew what designer bags were worth.)
I ended up selling it for only $50 on eBay, back in 2001. *sigh*

This here, is my new Michael Kors Black Grayson satchel. I’ve only had it a week.

This one is a very roomy bag. Modest in design, so I added a mink puff to give it some va’voom!

It’s not Leather..and for the price, I would have thought it should be.🤔

They have one left on Amazon if you are interested in adding it to your own collection. I’m not sure how to link it, but here’s the details to search..all great reviews.

Has anyone else received any new designer bags lately? Due tell! 😉

New Trudle bed

I have been looking since last year for an affordable trudle bed for my girls, and I finally found one today. $150 Not too bad! 

Looks vintage to me, but its in remarkable shape. They love it! As do I.

Here are some pictures. It’s not put together yet.  I will add another picture once it is. Probably next week because we are so busy. *grin*