I’m writing this to partially vent, and partially document my current feelings right now, along with material to reread in the future if I get weak….
This week has been part hell and part bliss.
The bliss was spent alone with my daughter, playing tourist with a private chauffeur (ubur)
Yes, I spent $80 in ubur fees this past week, but I don’t drive, and I’m pretty certain that renting a car for a week would have been more, or at least equal.
The hell part of the week was listening to someone complain and belittle me. And not realizing the damage she was doing. A friend told me to stay strong and turn the other cheek. But I just couldn’t keep feeling down right exhausted each time she would speak.
I tried to hold on, but just couldn’t.
Some of the complaints were,
1. Looks like you put on some weight.
2. What the heck is wrong with you, it’s 90 degrees, how the hell can you be cold.
3.Do you really need that?
4. Do you know how many calories is in that? A seed bar is all I need in the morning, and that lasts me till dinner, in which I have a salad or bowl of soup. That’s why I don’t ever gain weight.
5. I don’t understand why you like the beach. The sand fleas, sun, people.
6. You have no idea what you are talking about, just wait till you are my age, then we will talk.
7. You are lucky you have a husband. Try being a single mom with two kids and not a lick of help!
8. If you want hot coffee you can’t pour it and go use the bathroom.
9. I’m sorry the air mattress isn’t comfortable but it’s all I have. Try sleeping on one for four years like I had to do once.
10. I’m sure your bed back home is not any more comfortable that what I’m offering you.
11. I hope you don’t mind sleeping with the lights and tv on. Remember, you are a guest.
12. I’m doing more dishes in the past few days then I have had to in the past four years.
13. Don’t bother putting the groceries away, I need them a certain way.
14. It would be nice if I had some help here!
15. Let me show you how the shower curtain works.
16. The towel next to the sink is for you to dry your hands on, NOT the one hanging up. I realize they are the same towels, but it’s how I do things.
17. I don’t have any ants here I don’t know what you are talking about. You must be seeing things.
18. Make sure you scold the cats if they try to eat at the same time.
19. If you go to the beach make sure you don’t bring anything back inside that was at the beach.
20. Why are you cleaning the seashells in the sink. Those should have been hosed off outside. They stink like the beach!
21.You don’t know what it’s like living on a fixed income, and hopefully will never have too.
22. It cost me $80 last month to get my hair done and now I need to get it done again because it’s fading.
23. You are not actually going to pay an extra dollar for that tomato, right? That’s insane and stupid! Just stupid!
24. So, does your household still eat whenever they want and however they want? Does everyone still eat differently and at different times? I don’t know how anyone can live that way. But I guess I’m old school and we grew up eating all at the same time and all are what was served!
25. Don’t forget to wipe any hair out of the shower and drain, and that goes for your daughter too.
26. Are you really going to let your daughter go outside at this time of night?
27. No, of course I don’t want any of that orange juice, I have diabetes, or have you forgotten? Now pass me one of those pepper mints.
28. If you are going to have a potato you might as well gorge on a cupcake. Your body sees it as one of the same.
29. You have no idea what REAL struggling is!
30. There’s never been a time when I was happy, I didn’t realize that you thought differently.
31. I’m not staying in FL. I’m going to find someone who will let me live with them for the summer in exchange for my company.
32. I don’t drive in traffic or in the dark. Live with it!
33. I am at the mall to pick you up, but you will have to walk around to the front because I’ve never driven around the back and don’t plan to now.
34.Why must you get a Starbucks coffee while we are out. That’s simply not needed!
35.Maybe you like the nonsense sitcoms that are on today, but I don’t.
36. I don’t have the internet and have no desire to learn. Why would I want to waste my time and energy.
37. When I was your age I had tons of energy. Wait till you reach 60.
38. Some people have to work for a living!
39. Make sure you eat up that food that you bought or it’s going straight to the garbage.
40. It’s hard for me to feel sorry for anyone. Karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around.
41. Just remember, you only have ONE mother and regardless of the circumstances, she deserves respect!
42. Today’s kids are still living at home at age 25, and it’s the parents fault for coddling them their whole lives! That, and they seem to feel entitled and scared of the real world. I certainly didn’t raise you that way.
It falls back to the parents, and letting their kids rule the home. I will never understand this screwed up generation. Is she the product of how you raised her?
43. I know you say you just like it, but I simply don’t need makeup to feel good about myself. I don’t! Apparently you do!
44. So tell me again why you feel the need to waste money on a hotel when you can stay here with me?
45. I’m not arguing just because I’m raising my voice. And I’m sorry if you and your daughter think I am. That’s on you, not me. Get over it! Welcome to the real world!
46. Well I’m happy that it works for you but at my age you want someone else to do it. Don’t you think I deserve at least that?
47. You are delusional and don’t know what you are talking about.
48. No. This is the first time I’m hearing this. You are lying if you think you have already told me this.
49. I don’t need a bunch of friends to fulfill me. I also don’t need church. I know my limits and who I am.
50. You snore, did you know that? You really need to get that checked out.
51.People live in RV’s at my age, not yours! You guys are living in a fantasy world if you think you will be able to do that. But whatever!
52. We’ll tell me about this book. What’s it about and why do you think of like it? You know how picky I am about books. I doubt I will like it.
53. I can’t be around negative people. I can’t! I need uplifting people I need uplifting people in my life. People who want to be around me!
And these are just the ones that keep rewinding and playing in my head because they were said in such an unkind way.
There were more. Lots more!
There was not one thing that I said that was not counteracted to bring the focus back to the toxic person. Everything that came from her mouth was negative. EVERYTHING! I kept trying to find one positive thing that I could focus on, but never did. Not one!
I keep asking myself how can one person not realize they are this way.
How can someone complain this much and truly believe they are in the right, and everyone else is at fault, and put to get them.
But then I kept being silently reminded that it’s not my job to fix anyone or prove anything. I’ve lived my whole life forgiving and forgetting, meanwhile parts of me were dwindling away.
It’s my job to take care of myself. And after suffering years from emotional abuse… I have finally reached my breaking point.
It felt liberating!
It was as if something snapped and I freaked out and yes, my flesh got the best of me for an all of five minutes, but then I just went numb.
It scared me instantly, but I’m still not entirely sure if that was a normal feeling to have. Perhaps it was.
It’s finally over. A weight had been lifted. I don’t feel dread and suffocation any more.
I don’t feel as if I need to fix it. In fact, there is nothing left to fix.
And the best part is, I don’t even owe her an explanation. I have the liberty and freedom to step back from any thing that is tearing me down.
I’m truly done.